Thanks A Lot, Drama King

Scott walks into the room: The dog is going to die tonight.

Me: Whaaaat??? What are you talking about?

Scott: He ate chocolate.

Me: When?

Scott: Just now. It was that bag of Halloween candy.

Okay not this tall. But close

Me: Oh no! I just left it on the counter a few minutes ago!

(PS. Our dog is TALL)

Scott: It’s too late.

Me: What does chocolate do to dogs?

Scott: I think it’s an allergic reaction.*

Me: So what do we do?

Scott: I don’t know.

Me: Should we Google it?

Scott: I’ll call my brother.

(Our resident dog expert. Mostly because he has a dog that he carries around like a baby. They BLAH BLAH BLAH and hang up.)





Scott: His friend was told by his vet to keep the dog hydrated or we can get the dog’s stomach pumped. He thinks our beast of dog will be okay though.


Me: Wait a second, how much did he eat?

Scott: One.

One fun-size bar in a sixty pound dog?

Um, he’s going to live, Scott.

But you owe me the last thirty minutes of my life.

*FYI: It’s not an allergic reaction. Read here to get the scoop. Who knew PetMD existed? Also, Ratchet is perfectly alive so don’t freak out. Or call us with vet questions. As an MD, I’m likely to respond: The big tranquilizers are really good for raves. And hang up. And Scott will just tell you to start preparing the hole in your backyard.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

21 thoughts to “Thanks A Lot, Drama King”

  1. poor Ratchet. 🙂 my childhood dog ate chocolate once. my mom FLIPPED the eff out. the vet was like, well, keep an eye on her. one piece of chocolate should be fine. she was fine.

  2. It was probably milk chocolate, which isn’t that bad for them, especially one fun sized bar in a largish dog. Dark chocolate and bakers chocolate are what you need to worry about.

    Also in the future, if you are ever worried, you can induce vomiting by giving him hydrogen peroxide. This will empty his stomach pretty quickly (I suggest doing it outside). This is especially good for those random chicken bones they find on walks and swallow when you say drop it because they know that you won’t be trying to remove any animal carcass by hand.

  3. I personally think Sampson is immortal. In Sampson’s life thus far he has consumed (and this is just what I can remember and what I am AWARE of):
    a bucket of Halloween candy, 1/2 a brick of dark chocolate, a loaf of banana bread (multiple times), a foot long danish, a loaf of beer bread, copious amounts of paper towels, kleenx, wipes, diapers, a container of birth control pills (yes whole round pack), multiple plastic men and superheros, a strainer full of grapes (causes renal failure in dogs), a ten year old container of fish food, and he’s still tickin’ like a time bomb baby.

  4. A few weeks ago I spent $300 at the vet because hubby “decided” the dog “looked” sick.

    Did I mention the $300????

    When I picked up the dog, she was as bouncy and happy and rarin’ to go as ever.

    The moral? The hubby does NOT get to decide when the dog is sick. PERIOD.

  5. First, color me glad that Rachet lives. But Please. I’ve got my Boston Terrier, Jackie. Currently she eats everything. Remote controls, dsl connections, clothes, glasses. Yeah, she’s really cute. She likes gum, especially nicotine gum. She’s been known to shots of Jack. Right now she’s in the bedroom window bitching at the neighbor’s dog after polishing off her morning dish of coffee.

  6. It’s pet day.

    Today I blogged about the cats.

    My cats have not eaten chocolate, that I know of.

    It’s hard to know, though, what with them being able to open doors and get on the counters.

    Who knows what they hell they’re eating?

    Plus, Nimbus once stabbed the vet with a hypodermic needle.

    So now there’s a sticker on his chart.

    Vicious Cat.

    And that is one big dog.

  7. I will spare you the disgusting details of when my dog ate the entire treat stash I had put together to entertain my 2.5 yo on a 5-hr flight. Suffice to say she ate A LOT of chocolate and my dog sitter was pissed.

  8. Yeah, I would have wanted that time back as well! So funny that he thought one little candy bar would hurt such a big dog. But very cute that he was so concerned. We had a toy poodle when I was growing up that ate an entire box of chocolate bars. He was sick for a while but lived. Glad your dog is okay too!

  9. I hear mixed things about what kind of chocolate ( dark? Milk? Both?) is bad for dogs. And garlic was good for flea control, but now is bad? Or is that onions? And then I was told that egg shells are good fir them?

    We do our best. Now, my beast has discovered that she can get up on the table (when I am out), so all bets are off.

  10. One of my dogs ate an entire pan of brownies. I called the vet and no worries, brownies are made with cocoa so it doesn’t affect them like chocolate. It’s a scary thing, though, to think that something you innocently bought or made could kill your dog.

  11. My children fed my Pit Bull about 3 dozen Choc. Ginger Snap Cookies while trying to teach her to bark at cats. She lived. The cat moved in with the neighbors.

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