I Told My Husband This Post Would Shock Him

In yesterday’s post I made a passing reference to the third child that I need in order to never throw any food away AGAIN. And one of my readers offered herself, which was nice. She likes chocolate, orange popsicles and is potty trained. She’s just about PERFECT!

But I have a secret… shh…

Okay wait. I’m NOT pregnant. Remember THIS POST? It still turns my husband red.

So we are officially non-baby-makers pending the second-coming and God going with the non-virgin this time around.

But yesterday I was reading a blog post (I would link but I can’t remember whose post because I was so stunned.) The blogger mentioned how the smile and goofiness of their third child made her remember that they were missing something with just two.

And I, for the FIRST TIME SINCE THE HORRIBLE SICKNESS THAT WAS MY SECOND PREGNANCY, thought: Are we missing someone?

OH MY GAWD!

Here I am. Juggling two kids who are into middle-of-the-night hours-long parties. Tending the seedlings of a writing career. Leading an amazing mom’s group. And slated to teach a blogging class in the Winter. And THIS RIDICULOUS THOUGHT DARES TO ENTER MY ALREADY SCHEDULING-TWO-EVENTS-IN-THE-SAME-MORNING BRAIN?

Except.

To be honest.

When we snipped.

I never thought:

I’m so DONE.

What I said was: Scott? I’m SO DONE BEING PREGNANT.

Scott: Um, N’s four months old.

Me: I KNOW. But it’s already starting to fade. The misery. The sickness. The tears. And soon we’ll forget the sleepless nights. The painful nipples. The vomit. We need to do something QUICK before we (mostly Scott) starts thinking babies are adorable again.

Scott: You mean I should snip?

Me: I feel bad because I’m ready. But are you?

Scott: Well, the only person I ever want to get pregnant is you. And you don’t ever want to get pregnant again. So yes.

(If only our discussions on doing the dishes went this easy.)

Me: We aren’t actually DONE though. I mean we can go back to the foster-to-adopt classes we were taking when we got pregnant with N.

Scott {over N’s screams}: I guess.

And here’s the thing. When Scott finally did snipped, I think he felt done.

When I still only meant pregnancy.

But then this summer was so hard and I thought: Oh, I’m really done. I’m not even that good of a mama.

And I’d read about my friends who weren’t done, and I’d read them to the tune of: I’M SO DONE. And I’d shimmy.

I want my life back. I want to go on big trips and write and not use my breasts to feed anyone. I WANT SLEEP!

And because I THINK that my life is on hold for parenting, I can’t want another one.

Except.

I keep thinking about a little baby whose parents are not ready or willing to parent him.

And maybe in a few years, when the parents or courts or world realize that he needs another family, we are supposed to find him.

And bring him home.

I think I feel his presence.

Out there.

Waiting.

(Scott thinks it’s indigestion.)

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

50 thoughts on “I Told My Husband This Post Would Shock Him

  1. well, I’m a big believer in timing. when the timing is right, the right thing will happen. and, as an adoptee, I know that timing is huge when the right child finds the right family. aaaaand, you know? with an adopted child? no breastfeeding.

  2. It is the hardest and the best thing I have ever done (and done and done and done). I don’t have biological children but there is something amazing and God inspired to see someone develop before your eyes and you have abso-f’ing-lutely no idea of what they will become. and you think about what might have been and hold them close and thank God for giving them to you – no matter how hard it is!

    1. OK. It’s late. I know you didn’t adopt through the community. My brain is firing slowly (or slowly firing me).

      Anyway, I will be emailing you to learn more about your experience when we are ready to start exploring this again!

      Thank you this comment. It makes me excited that the feeling is in my heart at all.

  3. Mmmm hmmm. Well you know how I feel. And even today as I battle my very self I feel as though someone is missing. Thing is that kind of feeling is so abstract. Hard to define which means it’s hard to set a course. My best advice, well only advice, is what we’re doing. We’re waiting. There’s time. If the feeling doesn’t go away…you know what to do.

    XO

    And thanks for the shout my dear friend.

    1. Waiting is not my strong point. But I can admit that right now we are not ready. To even take the classes. Because once a child is available to us, I know that I could not say no. I need to get my two children moving forward and perhaps myself as well.

  4. The uterus is a wily little trickster that way. Just when I’m absolutely sure there is no WAY I’d ever want another, I smell a fresh baby and my uterus wakes up and starts the disco-ball. But like you, I’m done being pregnant. I’d do the adoption thing…maybe…someday…I dunno. We are sisters in Baby Indecision.

    Cool about the blogging class! I’d love to hear what you’re going to cover.

    1. I thought about this phrase: “the uterus is a wily little trickster” all week. You are so awesome.

      Re blogging class: I’m really excited! I have the syllabus written up but it’s rough (I can understand it but I’m not sure that anyone else could yet — making me the worst teacher ever. I promise that I’m going to make it presentable). I’m hoping to get it web-casted (if you know anything about that please stalk me now). We are going to do some basics in the first class but move into voice and genre and pushing into other genres and guest posting and thinking outside the blog. Tons of fun and challenging ideas! (At least I hope :))

  5. Oh I think this is great! Let me know how I can encourage you in this. I think you two are a perfect fit and couple. Adoption makes my heart all gooey inside just thinking about it…in a good way…but isn’t it already gooey? Just a thought.

  6. Great Post, and until you feel ready to make that big decision of adopting I will be glad to stand in as your practice adoptee child. But serious I think it is always tough to make that decision that you are done and that your family is full. So take your time and like everyone has said you will know when the time is right. I only have one and some days I think man I am ready for a second child and then days like today I am thinking man you are so going to be a only child. Life is a adventure and can be tricky and confusing, but always enjoyable when you are with the right people. 🙂

  7. I kind of like your reasoning that perhaps things should be snipped while one is knee-deep in sore boobs and 2:30am squawks from across the hall. Why wait to make the decision when a sniffable baby head is nearby? That’s the equivalent of grocery shopping while hungry–no smart decisions will be made.

    I think we are so very done. Because being tired makes me cry and having a baby is all about being tired.

  8. Gheezsh. THat’s how I always got pregnant again. It’s a very dangerous, evolutionary hormone state. There’s no way out except to make a permanent decision to stop that is irrevocable.

    Which you did. Take a deep breath and be glad you aren’t the mother of a circus. Like me.

    1. I figure that at least 2-3 pets need to die before my own circus status lowers so much that I become boring. Then BRING ON THE KID.

      Just kidding. I take this seriously. I just don’t take my replies as seriously. I think.

  9. I in my own crazed yes-no-who knows? baby state. I think two is more than I can handle. And yet… Sadly, weren’t so brave and bold. So I have some thinking left to do.

    I know an amazing mom who adopted two boys when her kids were in college. They needed her. And her love is healing their pain.

    1. I am thinking that this may be further off than my impatient self would like. Although I worry about having to go through all those career decisions and dramas again if I wait too long.

      1. Sorry my comment lost words… am and we should be in there somewhere.

        You’ll work it out, when the time is right. It’s hard to be patient. I want to look ahead as easily as I can look back. Wouldn’t that be nice?

        By the way, congrats on so many new gigs opening up to you!

  10. I loved this. So honest. I’m always fascinated with people’s decisions to have a kid or not have a kid and I always try to apply whatever lesson in hopes it works for me. Smart huh? But really, so brave. And funny. And I know just what you mean about wanting your life back but not feeling entirely complete. You’ll find completion. Don’t worry.

  11. I still have moments of indecision yet my husband has decided we are done for good. Some days it makes me sad, other days I am so grateful for his level-headedness.

  12. I know how you feel, kind of .. my ex was done after two .. I wasn’t .. when we found out I was pregnant with number three .. he scheduled the vasectomy before our third was even born .. I still didn’t know if I was done .. well, now I’m divorced .. and when it comes to thinking about dating .. I need someone that is at least open to the idea of having more, or adopting … or something … because I still don’t feel like I’m done … even though I may be, by default … and btw … you and your hubby (if you really wanted to) could actually still have a baby that was yours by use of a big needle, but then you’d have to do that whole pregnancy thing again 😉

    1. sometimes i feel like life is moving faster than i’m ready to let go of the child idea. like being done by default kinda thing.

      the preggo won’t happen. i just can’t parent and have my body telling me to sleep 16 hours a day. and although my first pregnancy wasn’t like that my second time was. and no one can guarantee what number three would be like. stupid science.

  13. If a little of something is good, then a little more of something will be better, right? I also think we will ALWAYS have a teeny bit of “what if” syndrome. It’s like, part of human nature, or a woman’s nature. My aunt, who is in her mid-sixties, said to me the other day that she wishes she had three kids instead of two. WTF? Her kids are both grown and married! And with kids of their own! I think she has been sniffing those grandbabies.

  14. Yes… this is just like me. After three pregnancies I was WAY BEYOND DONE! with being pregnant. They were horrendous and I could never put my body through that again.

    But… I can see myself with a fourth, although I don’t think I could actually admit that to anybody (except you). I would seriously think of adopting but I know DH would never do it.

    So I guess my three will be it for me.

  15. Every single time I see an 8 month old baby I want another one. There’s just something about that age that makes my uterus ache. And it’s true – I forget how lousy I am at parenting infants (I need a LOT of sleep), how scary my last delivery was, how done I know I am in my heart.

    As an adopted person, I know that sometimes adoptive families just come together because it’s meant to be, and it’s a awesome thing (I mean that like full of awe, not like wicked cool).

    -Ellie

    1. I’m lousy at parenting infants, too. Well, I’m good before three months. But four months to just-barely-walking? I suck.

      I’m so excited to find more adopted people! Because it helps me to have people to talk to one-on-one about this as (if?) we get closer to our child.

  16. Oh how I would love to parent again that way. We have 4, but I always have room for another. On the other hand, I KNOW we can’t afford anymore. Sometimes I’m sad about that.

    1. Yes, I do think about the financial sacrifices. And there hits a point where you just CAN’T without sacrificing things that aren’t supposed to be sacrificed.

      I wonder if as my kids get older and college looms will I reconsider this idea? The cost of college already scares the crap out of me.

  17. My partner and I are both 100% sure we are done with babies, either baked by yours truly or fostered/adopted.

    But I look at our family and know it isn’t complete. I can feel our 3rd child. I know he isn’t here yet. And I know it’ll be a while before he comes around.

    I felt our (adopted) daughter right before she came to us. And my partner knew the night before we got the call.

    I tell you all that just to say: I believe you feel your child’s presence. And I believe you are right.

    1. thank you. for believing. i think that it will be a while before we get to him or her (i keep thinking him but i don’t know — i didn’t even know when I was baking them in my body) but it’s hard to shake the notion since i’ve know it for so long.

      also, i may ask you guys to tell me when it’ll happen. just so i can give scott the heads up 😉

  18. I’m right there with you. It took me three years after A2 to get “fixed.” I knew in my mind I didn’t want to be pregnant again, and my OB said it wouldn’t be good for my own health, but that fresh baby smell…oh man!

    For the first time, last weekend, I held a fresh baby and cuddled him and smelled him and enjoyed holding him-and didn’t feel that baby urge when I gave him back.

    In today’s culture, there is a HUGE difference between being done being pregnant (I am, 100%) and being done being a new parent again (also, I am, 95%). As you said, there’s foster/adoption options that can bring you more, if that’s what you want. You’ll know.

    That 5% doubt I have only comes when I look at A2 and think “What if I had gotten “fixed” before I had you?” But God knew what he was doing, and I was smart enough to listen to Him. You are, too! When that baby that needs you comes along, there you will be, ready to open your heart to him!

      1. Well THAT is an entirely different discussion! Cause I have that same problem, sometimes. OK, a lot. And I think we all do from time to time. Oooh, blog topic!

  19. EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant. With their second or third. I’m not in that place, but I want to be! I feel like Jack needs a sibling, like I need to get a move on. BUT anyway.
    I think adoption is beautiful. It’s made our (larger) family bigger and better several times.

    1. I am always amazed at the families who just keep popping out the babies.

      I did feel strongly that E needed a sibling. And I’m so glad N is here.

      It’s funny though. The adoption idea seems to have nothing to do with that idea of having more siblings. I wonder why?

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