Late Enough I Ask Advice Button

I Ask: What Makes You Want To Stab Your Eyes Out?

Late Enough I Ask Advice ButtonA few days ago, my children were using circular-to-no logic allowing them to ignore everything I said. From please put your cup in the sink to stop trying to eat the dog. And then my daughter began her point to the soggy diaper and cry, but when I move in to change it SCREAM AND FLAIL away dance.

And just when my impotence and demoralization was nearly complete, I tweeted:

To which my husband replied: Isn’t that Oedipus? But then I received a reply from @barbarag0rd0n:

Social media really IS my BFF! (Are you reading this Scott? You need to get back on Twitter STAT.) Anyway, batgirl and I went back and forth — easily a highlight of my week. (My week was filled with nausea, hatred of people and an inability to get to the post office so the bar was set to limbo contest. But STILL a welcome refuge.)

The last eye-stab-inducing event woke up my daughter forty minutes into a nap on the morning she had been up since 5 a.m.. On N and my subsequent walk, I found that neighbor. I may move them to the “key car” list.

So my bloggy BFFs, I ask: What’s on YOUR eye stab list?

(Or twitter me up with #eyestablist)

Answer that I read aloud to my husband and he responded with SHUT-UP. Jenny writes: The man cold. You know, the same cold that women and children get, but is apparently 987 times worse and therefore, demands THAT much more sympathy. #eyestablist

Answer that depressed me because it means I going to need to stab my eyes out for the next ten years. Walt writes: Tweens… Tween daughter who insists on buying spaghetti making stuff. Insists it’s her “favorite”. Then when I serve what might be the best sauce I’ve ever made, the nose goes up as she says. “I don’t like it that way”. #eyestab……

But seriously, read them all. Then join the Twitter and read more. HILARIOUS.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

63 thoughts to “I Ask: What Makes You Want To Stab Your Eyes Out?”

  1. The man cold. You know, the same cold that women and children get, but is apparently 987 times worse and therefore, demands THAT much more sympathy. #eyestablist

  2. Here are two from last night.

    Mommy, can I have an apple juice. No.
    Mommy, can I have an apple juice. No.
    Mommy, can I have an apple juice. No.
    Mommy, can I have an apple juice. No.

    Dolly!!!!!! Okay, here. Shreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Dolly!!!!!!!! Okay, this one? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

  3. when people say i could care less…..isn’t really supposed to be I couldn’t care less?! I hate that.

    When I give my students instructions and there is that one kid who has their hand raised throughout my instructions (a form of interrupting in my book) and then when I call on them, they ask a question about what I JUST TOLD THEM ABOUT!!!!

    My name being called across the room by a dozen kids at once (mrs. ross, mrs. ross, mrs. ross) and then they ask me some stupid question that they ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO, like, “what are we doing today?” Ummm.. that’s WHY I put the agenda on the board, Johnny, so you wouldn’t have to ASK me that!!

    TGIF

  4. In a nod to your horn honking, there are these choppers (ridiculously loud motorcycles) that drive by my house at all hours of the night. When my son was an infant I would fantasize about lying in wait with a b-b gun and shooting their stupid tires. So yeah, that is an eye stab equivalent, right?

  5. People that don’t speak to me when I CLEARLY have said hello or good morning to them. A.K.A. Martin’s check out cashiers. Hence why we do not go there anymore. Ok, so it was just one, but it was rude enough for us not to go back…also because of the bright green polo’s.

  6. “Irregardless” instead of just plain ol’ “regardless.”

    People who don’t yield to a Yield sign.

    Diarrhea. (My daughter has it. It’s already worn out its welcome.)

  7. Nap time. I hate nap time. I mean I love nap time when my daughter actually naps. But the hassle lately of getting my 2 year old to nap makes me want to stab my eyes out. She can’t talk much, but the constant whining and trying to get me to read like 50 books and the in and out of her bed routine. Really drives me crazy.

    1. THIS! I seriously feel you. The amount of physical and emotional energy that nap time and bedtime take? I’m exhausted THINKING about it. And then when they DON’T EVEN FALL ASLEEP? EYE STAB EYE STAB EYE STAB

  8. Supposebely.

    And endless excuse making. Just say no. Or if it’s a student, just say, “I don’t have my homework done.” Stop making up excuses.

    AND the Yield sign thing.

    1. It took me 25 years to learn to just say no and not add a hundred excuses. I’m sure a LOT of teachers and former friends are missing eyes.

      And you are not the first person to point out supposebely… Who are these people writing/saying this? I have never met them. Probably because the glint in my eye says I’LL STAB YOUR EYE OUT.

  9. “Do you have your homework?”

    “Yes.”

    “Are you sure you have your homework?”

    “YES.”

    “Do you want to check your backpack to make sure you have your homework?”

    “MOM! I HAVE MY HOMEWORK! STOP IT!”

    **one hour later**

    RingRing!

    “Mom, can you drive down to the school and bring me my homework?”

    stabstabstabstab

  10. People who let their dog out at 5:30 a.m. or 11:00 p.m. for 30 minutes and allow them to bark the ENTIRE 30 minutes! **stabstabstab**

    And that person who says to me, “you need another child, you need to have a girl”! NO, I don’t need any more children, I love having boys, I could have another girl – it’s a 50/50 shot, and since when did this become YOUR business?!? **stabstabstab**

  11. The people who get JUST inside the door at Costco, then stop and dig through all of their belongings to find their card whild the rest of us stack up behind them. Get out of our way! The rest of us are prepared!

  12. Tweens… Tween daughter who insists on buying spaghetti making stuff. Insists it’s her “favorite”. Then when I serve what might be the best sauce I’ve ever made, the nose goes up as she says. “I don’t like it that way”.
    #eyestab……

  13. 🙁 I’m upset I missed this Twitter hashtag craze. I would have had fun. I imagine I could fill a whole blog 10-times over with #eyestablist items. Maybe I’ll jump on throw a few out there – even though I’m late to the party.

    By the way, I mentioned you on my blog, as having one of my favorite blog description/subtitles!

  14. People who go on and on about their credentials in casual conversation. Dude….I’m not coming to you for therapy, I just MET you….ummm, don’t really CARE how many letters you have behind your name unless I’m using you for some professional reason….
    #eyestablist

    1. I HATE this. Like if I know you are a doctor within five minutes of talking to you, you need a life. Unless we are at the doctor’s office. Or I ask.

      It’s getting late because I’m now babbling…

  15. People who watch their children take a cement block and bash other children over the head with it and then just smile and say “What can I do? He’s just so expressive.”
    Out. Goes. My. Eye.

  16. An eye stab list? HILARIOUS!

    My two year-old does the diaper dance, too. Drives me insane.

    My two year-old giving up naps. #eyestablist

    My five year-old refusing all Halloween costumes except for some insanely expensive one. #eyestablist

    My four year-old not washing his hands after pottying. #eyestablist

    Taking forever to get on twitter and then being so addicted that I comment on a blog with hashtags. #eyestablist

  17. Oh, there are so very many…

    When I put the dishes (that my husband washed) away and find that he has forgotten to wash the outsides of every dish and they are all dirty, greasy, and covered in fingerprints. (Believe it or not this happens at least once a week – they say they hate nagging and yet they do nothing to prevent it…)
    When my son whines to be picked up, whines that he’s being held, whines that he’s being put down, whines to be picked up…
    When my dog rolls in the grass, mud, dead frogs, etc. and runs directly onto my carpet instead of going into the garage like I am yelling at the top of my lungs.
    When I have to wrestle my son for 10 minutes to make a 1 minute diaper change. Which happens every time these days.

    You need to do this for a month – we could fill up your blog. NO problem!

  18. People who use “da” instead of “the”
    Spelling definitely like this: definately
    – ->I took a lot of time to look up and memorize how to spell it and every time I type it I literally say in my head def i nitely as a way to remember! And it’s a pain but I do it because it’s correct.

    (Clearly I have issues judging by this rant)

  19. Most of these eyestablist items would not exist if parents would only understand the value of a few good swats on the behind. Which is my big eyestablist item, undisciplined children. My Mama made me behave. My kids behaved and now my grandchildren behave.

  20. When my husband wants to “talk” but really he lectures on and on about something….

    When my preschooler says he wants something, then he doesn’t, then he does, then he doesn’t, then you make the decision for him and he screams.

    Where is that fork…?

  21. I love this!! An eye stab list. Perfect!

    At the top of my list… my 16 month old’s incessant whining drives me insane, trying to put shoes on his feet and my mother-in-law makes me want to mash my teeth in and stab my eyes out and…. I could on and on and on.

    1. What is it about shoes and toddlers. Mine is either obsessed with wearing EVERYONE ELSE’S too-big shoes or won’t take hers off even for nap. Or my favorite? INSISTS ON WEARING ONLY ONE.

  22. See, if I could actually get the hang of Twitter, I would have totally understood that this post is hilarious! I did laugh, but in was in between thinking, “What the hell does #eyestablist mean?”
    I will so be back! You are so much fun to read!

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