My Army Of Anti-Alex Foodies Is Coming Along Nicely

I’m a picky eater. Not an I’m-a-picky-eater-I-avoid-foods-to-keep-my-weight-down-or-up. It’s mostly if I don’t like something, I’m officially EW! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

I like CHEESE pizza. Add onions or garlic occasionally. But mostly cheese. Lots of it. I (except when pregnant) do not like pepperoni pizza. But does that mean we can get an entire pepperoni pizza and I’l just pick them off? NO. Because I don’t like pepperoni craters.

Also, I hate wasting things. Like pepperonis. Or the ten Cheerios left in the cereal box. Which is why there are so many cereal boxes in our pantry. With stale Os

The dilemma really hits when I buy a box of Popsicles. I like red. And purple. The Popsicle powers that be don’t make red and purple ONLY boxes. They always include THE DREADED ORANGE. I do not like orange. I like RED AND PURPLE. Scott doesn’t eat Popsicles. So we would have boxes and boxes of orange Popsicles. Until I was FORCED to throw them away to make room for Popsicles the following summer.

Then we had kids…

Me: Do YOU want an orange Popsicles, E?

And if he says, no?

I respond: YUMMY!

And hand it to N.

At which point he usually yells: I WANT AN ORANGE ONE.

And I high-five myself thinking: Well played Mama. Well played.

However, not every day is as smooth as the Orange Popsicle Anti-Alex Foodie Offensive of 2010.

The other day we bought ice cream cupcakes from Cold Stone Creamery. And those delicious ice cream making JERKS only sell them in variety packs.

I don’t do well with variety packs.

Because the only ice cream cup cakes I’m eating are the Sweet Cream and Cake Batter cupcakes. PERIOD.

So I give my daughter the Oreo Chocolate. Because I don’t like chocolate. Okay, I only like white chocolate. Which is not actually cocoa. It’s just sugar. Hmmm… sugar.

And my son doesn’t like chocolate. Because I clearly did not force him to eat it enough as a baby.

I glance at N. She looks back.

N: Mine?

So I move the Sweet Cream and Cake Batter aside. And I give her the cupcake I hate.

As a test.

I’m looking for my BFF Cold Stone Cupcake eater.

And I really don’t want to have anymore kids.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

14 thoughts to “My Army Of Anti-Alex Foodies Is Coming Along Nicely”

  1. I’ll take the chocolate ones. Yum.

    Oh, and my husband is eats all the orange popsicles and leaves the rest. Sadly, we live too far away for cold food exchanges. But you can mail me chocolate anytime.

  2. As I sit here typing this, I can see the empty popsicle box in the trash can by my desk. Just the other day I contemplated it and decided that the right box for me is 50% grape, 35% red (strawberry, cherry, whatever the red is) and 15% orange. Alas, I don’t know of any stores that will let me pull a dozen boxes out of the freezer section, sit on the floor and play mix-n-match until I have the perfect box.

  3. I tried the “more kids equal use variety packs up” route. Doesn’t work. Kid A decides he hates something, and it just keeps snowballing until pretty much every kid hates the same thing.

    I quit buying kids’ vitamins because I had riots over the red ones, and billions of purple ones left that no one would touch.

  4. I have never known anyone who is a picky as me! I will NOT eat anything green. In fact, I won’t eat much of anything. But if I do like it, I’ll eat 3 plates of it. I won’t even eat at people’s house because I’m scared I won’t be able to eat what they cook. I like your idea of giving it to the kids!

  5. COLD STONE!!! ARRRRGGG! My favorite, ergo conveniently close Cold Stone closed. I Loved the way they smush the stuff around before they hand it to you.

    My Mom thought I was allergic to chocolate so I hate it now. Except in M and M’s. And Girl Scout Thin Mints.

  6. Like Michelle, I give anything green a hearty thumbs down. Because green often means lime (blech) or vegetable (not a fan).

    As for pizza, if it has green peppers I won’t even pick them off. They permeate everything and are funky beyond belief. Give me cheeze pizza anytime.

  7. I’m not a fan of variety packs, either. And, I’m a super picky eater…like no onions or garlic. I’m Sally from When Harry met Sally. And, I give my kids the flavors/colors I don’t like, but I’m pretty certain they are on to me.

  8. Variety packs are just the way companies get rid of the products no one likes but they still make because they are evil.

    I am using my kid to eat all my vegetables. The dog stopped doing it.

  9. My oldest will take all of your orange popsicles! So next time we meet up we’ll trade our red and purple for your orange. Oh, and I’ll take the chocolate. 🙂

  10. Awesome. I will add eat my gross foods to the list of pros to having kids. Also, I have orange popsicles in my freezer from when I had strep throat *last August*, yup August 2009. I refuse to throw them out and will eat them when there is absolutely nothing else in the house with sugar. Oh! also, also we have Cold Stones now and it’s pretty much the most amazing thing in the world. I have not tried their cupcakes, feel free to send me your gross ones.

  11. I know this is an old post, but I have to mention this:

    I peruse “Best of Craigslist” on occasion. I ran across someone who had a box of 20 or so orange popsicles. Because she/he does not like them. She/he then went on to offer them regularly to whomever might like to start a scheduled monthly pickup of the dreaded orangies.

    It’s hilarious. And I found it for you. Here, enjoy:

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