My new arch nemesis.

A Small Fountain And A Big Bucket Of Awkward

My children get bathed every other day. (Which I’m quite proud of considering I have ten reasons why no one should bathe everyday. Mostly I‘m lazy but that seems lame to write ten times.)

Usually they take baths. Together. And I get to go another day without water and soap touching my body. But recently the SHOWER has become quite intriguing.

And they can’t shower by themselves (jerks). Because they are four and seventeen months old (oh yeah).

So either Scott or I gets in with them. Naked. (Please don’t suggest I wear a swimsuit. Mostly because it’s stupid. But also because your Victorian-ness won’t fly in a house where farts are our second language.)

Now it turns out that when I’m in the shower, I have about three spots where water pools and then runs off into lovely arching fountains. And they all happen to be my goodies. (Seriously, after you read this, go shower. Not because you feel dirty but because you are DYING to find your fountains.)

So there I am showering with my son. The shower is full of toys. Toys like THE GIANT BLUE BUCKET OF AWKWARD.

My new arch nemesis.

It doesn’t LOOK awkward? Well, just keep reading friends.

My son is sitting on the floor of the shower and he takes the AWKWARD BUCKET before we recognize it as the AWKWARD BUCKET and starts filling it up.

I look down and realize. He’s using the PUBIC HAIR FOUNTAIN.

Now we have had THE TALK and I’m pretty big on NOT finding our bodies embarrassing. So I decide to subtly shift to the right.

And he nonchalantly moves the bucket to the right to keep filling it up.

I shift to the left.

The bucket shifts to the left.

I move back and around and left and right.

I’m like ELVIS doing the hula hoop.

And the AWKWARD BUCKET STAYS AWKWARD.

I finally step out of the warm stream of water goodness and into the CHILLY WITHOUT WATER SECTION OF THE SHOWER.

And I breathe a sigh of relief.

Until E moves the bucket to catch the drips.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

I gentle suggest he use the shower head to fill his bucket.

He says no.

Drip. Drip. Drip

And keeps the blue bucket right between my legs.

I look over at Scott as he walks into the bathroom and whisper with my face pressed against the glass: awkward.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Scott: Well, it’s going to be a long awkward at the rate that bucket’s filling.

I look down.  The awkward bucket looks up.

I get back into the shower stream.

Awkward Bucket: 1; Normal Parenting: 0

{sigh}

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents an 2 elementary age children, 4 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

44 thoughts on “A Small Fountain And A Big Bucket Of Awkward

  1. I’m sorry…I am laughing so hard I cannot form thoughts.

    Bucket of awkward pubic fountain water…

    I should come up with some wise and touching parenting allegory, and all I can think of is “bucket of awkward pubic fountain water.”

    …*gasp*…*giggle*…maybe later!

  2. Oh dear. Yes, I think I have the same fountain going on but luckily I have 3 girls so the questions I get are more like, “Mom, am I going to look like that when I get big?” I still shower with the 5 year old but the 8 year old and the 10 year old are on their own… although THEY sometime shower together.

  3. Bwahahaha! I’m still laughing in my office over “pubic hair fountain”!

    I will still bathe with our 2 year old and, for whatever reason, he thinks nipples are armpits. I’m cool with this as I’ve never really liked the word “nipple.”
    Korinna recently posted..Love is in the air

  4. Getting in with the girls is the only way I get showered. Which is my reason #1 not to shower daily. It’s a pain. And I just noticed the fountains (as did my big girl). I told her not to fill her cup of awkward from my nipple fountain. No thanks. Use this water from the shower. But she’s big. The baby doesn’t really care about the fountains. Yet.
    Kate recently posted..A new baby in the family

  5. yay! I finally got to read the pubic hair fountain story! This is probably a much more appropriate venue for it. P.S. I’m not getting the blog emailed to me anymore, any idea why? I even signed up for it again and didn’t get it yesterday or today :(

  6. My co-workers are looking at me awkwardly as I laugh at my desk about this. I’m afraid they might ask me what I’m laughing at because I can’t do this justice….and I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be reading this at work. Which doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
    KLZ recently posted..Muhammad Ali Goes to Bed

  7. This is fantastic! I am cracking up.

    My son has one thing in his line of sight when my husband gets out of the shower – and by the looks of his gallop towards it with his arm outstretched, it seems he wants to play tarzan. My husband has gotten really good at putting on his boxers quickly.

  8. You know, sometimes when people tell a story, it is like…you needed to be there to get the joke. In your case, I think, it is the other way round. Nothing could ever be that hilarious in real life. It is the way you write that makes these stories come alive and incredibly funny.
    I am saying that because I KNOW it is not fun taking a shower with two kids or even one!!!
    Great stuff:-)))
    Ingrid recently posted..When you have crazy children- make the most of it!!!

  9. This post totally made my day. Hilarious! Also, good forewarning for when my son’s old enough to shower with me, because I’m totally non-Victorian and all about simplifying bathing as much as possible (I put him on one of those bath cushion things in the back of the shower with me until he was too big to fit on the cushion, and am just waiting for the day he can sit up and be in there with me again… so much easier!).

    Better it flowing into the bucket than him deciding it was his own personal shower fountain to sit under though, right? :)

  10. My baby is too small for the shower but this does kind of remind me of my husband. He channels water down his arm to his fingers where he creates a sort of water gun to rinse off his legs. Lol. But then again, husbands can be sort of like kids sometimes, no?

  11. This was so funny! We have had more moments of awkwardness in our house recently so I’m glad to see I’m not the only one. And to add to my increasing number of awkward moments, I received a handout from the pediatrician on sex education for my 4-year-old! Talk about awkward!!

  12. duuuude! This made me spit my coffee out right after we got off the phone. My son asked today why I had hair there. Then when I told him, he said “That’s gross.” This coming from the kids that drinks his own bath water. Yummmm…

  13. Two choices: get used to the awkward (cause I don’t think THAT’S going away for a long, long time) or let them shower alone (they’ll be fine)!

    Either way, thanks for the bowl of hilarity this morning. You too funny, girl-o.

  14. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHA….okay…I’m…fine…now…*snort* *giggle* Okay…really fine now.

    I’m sorry. Laughter has shorted out my brain.
    Mandy recently posted..Senses

  15. This is my favorite of your blog entries so far. I linked to it on my FB page. I enjoy the honesty and the humor you so freely embrace. I also now find myself thinking of the phrase “that’s a big bucket of awkward” at certain situations.

  16. Agree with Martha….not for the first time either. lol Apparently I will have to wear Depends when I read your blog!

  17. I…I love this story so so so much.

    And now I want to shower.

    And find my fountains.

    Then use them for water collection.

    Like The Professor did, gathering rain water in preparation for drought.

    Or maybe just to wash his button down shirts.
    Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Almost

  18. I’ll never forget the day when my older daughter’s father REFUSED to ever shower with them again. He got out of the shower blushing and when I pressed him for a reason he said ‘she used me as a handle to get up out of the floor’ ;) he never showered with them again lmao

  19. Fear not mom. Dads get embarrassing moments, too. I taught my son to clean his belly button and one day he noticed some T-shirt lint in mine. He decided to collect it from everyone in the family. It seemed innocent enough, and we gave him a small plastic pill bottle to contain his finds. All was well until he told the baby sitter about his jar of belly button fuzz and offered to share it with her—
    Alaughforyou.wordpress.com and terrymillerohio.wordpress.com

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