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A Small Fountain And A Big Bucket Of Awkward

by Alex Iwashyna

in Awkward, Motherhood, My Family, My Son

My children get bathed every other day. (Which I’m quite proud of considering I have ten reasons why no one should bathe everyday. Mostly I‘m lazy but that seems lame to write ten times.)

Usually they take baths. Together. And I get to go another day without water and soap touching my body. But recently the SHOWER has become quite intriguing.

And they can’t shower by themselves (jerks). Because they are four and seventeen months old (oh yeah).

So either Scott or I gets in with them. Naked. (Please don’t suggest I wear a swimsuit. Mostly because it’s stupid. But also because your Victorian-ness won’t fly in a house where farts are our second language.)

Now it turns out that when I’m in the shower, I have about three spots where water pools and then runs off into lovely arching fountains. And they all happen to be my goodies. (Seriously, after you read this, go shower. Not because you feel dirty but because you are DYING to find your fountains.)

So there I am showering with my son. The shower is full of toys. Toys like THE GIANT BLUE BUCKET OF AWKWARD.

My new arch nemesis.

It doesn’t LOOK awkward? Well, just keep reading friends.

My son is sitting on the floor of the shower and he takes the AWKWARD BUCKET before we recognize it as the AWKWARD BUCKET and starts filling it up.

I look down and realize. He’s using the PUBIC HAIR FOUNTAIN.

Now we have had THE TALK and I’m pretty big on NOT finding our bodies embarrassing. So I decide to subtly shift to the right.

And he nonchalantly moves the bucket to the right to keep filling it up.

I shift to the left.

The bucket shifts to the left.

I move back and around and left and right.

I’m like ELVIS doing the hula hoop.

And the AWKWARD BUCKET STAYS AWKWARD.

I finally step out of the warm stream of water goodness and into the CHILLY WITHOUT WATER SECTION OF THE SHOWER.

And I breathe a sigh of relief.

Until E moves the bucket to catch the drips.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

I gentle suggest he use the shower head to fill his bucket.

He says no.

Drip. Drip. Drip

And keeps the blue bucket right between my legs.

I look over at Scott as he walks into the bathroom and whisper with my face pressed against the glass: awkward.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Scott: Well, it’s going to be a long awkward at the rate that bucket’s filling.

I look down.  The awkward bucket looks up.

I get back into the shower stream.

Awkward Bucket: 1; Normal Parenting: 0

{sigh}

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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points October 4, 2010 1

I’m sorry…I am laughing so hard I cannot form thoughts.

Bucket of awkward pubic fountain water…

I should come up with some wise and touching parenting allegory, and all I can think of is “bucket of awkward pubic fountain water.”

…*gasp*…*giggle*…maybe later!

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Kellie October 4, 2010 2

That was great. We have that same bucket and I will never look at it the same way again.

Okay off to shower now!
Kellie recently posted..Its Coming

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Mrs. B. October 4, 2010 3

Well, yes. What Lori said, including the giggling.

Maybe you could have turned around. Although then you just would have had a “bucket of awkward butt fountain water,” which probably isn’t much better.

I’m guessing Scott gets next shower duty?
Mrs. B. recently posted..The Things They Didnt Tell Me Before I Became a Mom

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Carolyn (temysmom) October 5, 2010 4

Oh dear. Yes, I think I have the same fountain going on but luckily I have 3 girls so the questions I get are more like, “Mom, am I going to look like that when I get big?” I still shower with the 5 year old but the 8 year old and the 10 year old are on their own… although THEY sometime shower together.

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Erica October 5, 2010 5

LOL I also showered with my children (without a swimsuit) .. and I had several awkward fountain moments …. along with other awkward moments … I completely understand …
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andygirl October 5, 2010 6

I’m not a parent, so I don’t know how these things work. is those one of those moments when you realize your kid has outsmarted you?
andygirl recently posted..Photo of the Day- Top of the Heap

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the Mother October 5, 2010 7

I laughed. Out loud. Which I rarely do unless the author is Terry Pratchett.

Kudos on your non-Victorianism. And I don’t think a swimsuit would have solved that problem.
the Mother recently posted..A Room of His Own

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Allison @ Alli 'n Son October 5, 2010 8

I’ve only showered with my 2 year old a few times. So far he hasn’t noticed any fountains, he’s usually cowering in the corner, afraid of the shower. No awkward bucket in my house. Yet.
Allison @ Alli ‘n Son recently posted..Virtual Coffee

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Korinna October 5, 2010 9

Bwahahaha! I’m still laughing in my office over “pubic hair fountain”!

I will still bathe with our 2 year old and, for whatever reason, he thinks nipples are armpits. I’m cool with this as I’ve never really liked the word “nipple.”
Korinna recently posted..Love is in the air

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Kate October 5, 2010 10

Getting in with the girls is the only way I get showered. Which is my reason #1 not to shower daily. It’s a pain. And I just noticed the fountains (as did my big girl). I told her not to fill her cup of awkward from my nipple fountain. No thanks. Use this water from the shower. But she’s big. The baby doesn’t really care about the fountains. Yet.
Kate recently posted..A new baby in the family

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susie October 5, 2010 11

yay! I finally got to read the pubic hair fountain story! This is probably a much more appropriate venue for it. P.S. I’m not getting the blog emailed to me anymore, any idea why? I even signed up for it again and didn’t get it yesterday or today :(

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Ofthesea October 5, 2010 12

Thanks for the laughs! You never fail to deliver. A-MA-ZING.

So how are you gonna take your revenge on teh bukkit?

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nic @mybottlesup October 5, 2010 13

ohmy… we have the same awkward bucket, only it’s orange. i am not looking forward to the day when this happens, most because i will laugh like an awkward 12 year old boy.

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KLZ October 5, 2010 14

My co-workers are looking at me awkwardly as I laugh at my desk about this. I’m afraid they might ask me what I’m laughing at because I can’t do this justice….and I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be reading this at work. Which doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
KLZ recently posted..Muhammad Ali Goes to Bed

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ShannonL October 5, 2010 15

Oh, Alex. I’ve said this so many times, but I have to say it again. You are HILARIOUS! Seriously. Thanks for the laugh! :-D

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AKeo October 5, 2010 16

This is fantastic! I am cracking up.

My son has one thing in his line of sight when my husband gets out of the shower – and by the looks of his gallop towards it with his arm outstretched, it seems he wants to play tarzan. My husband has gotten really good at putting on his boxers quickly.

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Ingrid October 5, 2010 17

You know, sometimes when people tell a story, it is like…you needed to be there to get the joke. In your case, I think, it is the other way round. Nothing could ever be that hilarious in real life. It is the way you write that makes these stories come alive and incredibly funny.
I am saying that because I KNOW it is not fun taking a shower with two kids or even one!!!
Great stuff:-)))
Ingrid recently posted..When you have crazy children- make the most of it!!!

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lydia October 5, 2010 18

This post totally made my day. Hilarious! Also, good forewarning for when my son’s old enough to shower with me, because I’m totally non-Victorian and all about simplifying bathing as much as possible (I put him on one of those bath cushion things in the back of the shower with me until he was too big to fit on the cushion, and am just waiting for the day he can sit up and be in there with me again… so much easier!).

Better it flowing into the bucket than him deciding it was his own personal shower fountain to sit under though, right? :)

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bg October 5, 2010 19

My baby is too small for the shower but this does kind of remind me of my husband. He channels water down his arm to his fingers where he creates a sort of water gun to rinse off his legs. Lol. But then again, husbands can be sort of like kids sometimes, no?

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Natalie October 5, 2010 20

Oh yes, I’m well aware of these fountains and the awkward bucket. It’s crazy and I’m glad you brought it up because it’s also hilarious after reading your take on it!
Natalie recently posted..Pursey Galores Un-Adventurous Weekend

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soccermom October 5, 2010 21

Hey, I am all for the naturalness of being naked. Glad to see your kids are soooo ok with it. I think that is awesome

This just means they they won’t feel awkward when they are in college and running naked thru the streets. : )

Just sayin…..
soccermom recently posted..I know this will be a mood killer but

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Maria October 5, 2010 22

This was beyond enjoyable and very very hilarious.

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Amy B. October 5, 2010 23

This was so funny! We have had more moments of awkwardness in our house recently so I’m glad to see I’m not the only one. And to add to my increasing number of awkward moments, I received a handout from the pediatrician on sex education for my 4-year-old! Talk about awkward!!

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Sue Robinson October 5, 2010 24

duuuude! This made me spit my coffee out right after we got off the phone. My son asked today why I had hair there. Then when I told him, he said “That’s gross.” This coming from the kids that drinks his own bath water. Yummmm…

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Sandra Guirguis October 5, 2010 25

Love this!!! Soooo funny and true. Needed that laugh today :)

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Adrienne October 6, 2010 26

Awkward!

But SO damn funny, it’w worth it. For me, I mean.

Snort. Remind me to tell you about the time Jacob went hunting for my penis.

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lindsay October 6, 2010 27

omg; i love you. you are sooooo funny

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Sarah October 6, 2010 28

Two choices: get used to the awkward (cause I don’t think THAT’S going away for a long, long time) or let them shower alone (they’ll be fine)!

Either way, thanks for the bowl of hilarity this morning. You too funny, girl-o.

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Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip October 6, 2010 29

I almost died laughing while reading this because THIS EXACT SAME THING has happened to me. Except minus the wierd bucket. My kid was using an old shampoo bottle. Cuz that’s about how extravagant our bath toys get.

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Dana October 6, 2010 30

I have nothing productive to say. This is amazing. It made my day.
Dana recently posted..One day I might actually be a grown-up That day is not today and tomorrow isnt looking good either

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Mandy October 7, 2010 31

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHA….okay…I’m…fine…now…*snort* *giggle* Okay…really fine now.

I’m sorry. Laughter has shorted out my brain.
Mandy recently posted..Senses

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Kensington October 8, 2010 32

This is my favorite of your blog entries so far. I linked to it on my FB page. I enjoy the honesty and the humor you so freely embrace. I also now find myself thinking of the phrase “that’s a big bucket of awkward” at certain situations.

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Susie @newdaynewlesson October 9, 2010 33

Alex-I love you. Thanx for making me laugh. Much needed right now.
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Kristeen November 8, 2010 34

I just laughed so hard I woke my sleeping 16 month old! That was the funniest thing ever. I love the part about you whispering awkward with your face pressed against the glass!
Kristeen recently posted..How to attract attention!!

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Martha November 15, 2010 35

LOL! I think I just peed in my pants a little.

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Mary March 5, 2011 36

Agree with Martha….not for the first time either. lol Apparently I will have to wear Depends when I read your blog!

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Megan (Best of Fates) March 15, 2011 37

I…I love this story so so so much.

And now I want to shower.

And find my fountains.

Then use them for water collection.

Like The Professor did, gathering rain water in preparation for drought.

Or maybe just to wash his button down shirts.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Almost

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Caitlin Helton February 8, 2012 38

Alex,
This was HILARIOUS! I think this is the first of your blogs that I have read, and I really enjoyed it.
-Caitlin Helton

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Late Enough February 8, 2012 39

Yay! It’s a favorite of mine. Probably because awkward is so comfortable sometimes.

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Jennifer Ringwald June 12, 2012 40

Laughing with tears flowing! Love your expressions

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Desirae June 13, 2012 41

I’ll never forget the day when my older daughter’s father REFUSED to ever shower with them again. He got out of the shower blushing and when I pressed him for a reason he said ‘she used me as a handle to get up out of the floor’ ;) he never showered with them again lmao

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Terry Miller May 20, 2014 42

Fear not mom. Dads get embarrassing moments, too. I taught my son to clean his belly button and one day he noticed some T-shirt lint in mine. He decided to collect it from everyone in the family. It seemed innocent enough, and we gave him a small plastic pill bottle to contain his finds. All was well until he told the baby sitter about his jar of belly button fuzz and offered to share it with her—
Alaughforyou.wordpress.com and terrymillerohio.wordpress.com

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