Please Don’t Let My Son Read This When He Gets His Driver’s License**

My rockin mini-minivan

I’m driving around town with the kids, grateful that N isn’t crying her eyes out.

My son pipes up: CATCH UP TO THAT CAR!

Me: E, they’re driving too fast.

E: DRIVE TOO FAST, MAMA!

Me: I’m glad I didn’t know you back when I was 16.

Because at sixteen, I liked to play the YOU CAN’T PASS ALEX game.

Well, not really a GAME. More like filed under RULES TO LIVE BY.

No car could pass me. EVER. I would drive fast. And faster. And FASTEST. Only once, in my first two years of driving, can I recall a car passing me. Two actually. They were chasing each other. At one hundred miles per hour. And I was armed with a Gran Jeep Cherokee Laredo. The fastest I’d ever got her up to was ninety-five miles per hour. And the doors nearly blew off after I hit a bump and soared into the air. PS. I landed with an exhilarating thud and zoomed off to terrorize another street.

Back in reality:

E: See that green car?

Me: Yes.

E: Are we going to pass him?

Me: …

E: CATCH UP TO THAT CAR!

Me: E! How do we ask for things nicely?

E: Can we PLEASE catch up to that car?

Me: {eyeing the green sedan and my inner-sixteen-year-old} Pedal to the white mini-minivan metal, baby!

And I easily win the race (that the other car didn’t know he was in) when suddenly my son yells: MAMA! YOU’RE DRIVING TOO FAST!

Me {incredulous}: Wait*, you want me to slow down?

E: NO! {squeal of delight} Catch up to MORE CARS!

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I mean SHAME ON MEEEEEEEEEE!!!

* I glanced at the speedometer when he said that, and I was not even five over the speed limit, officer.

** Could also be titled: Please Remind Me To Read This When My Son Brings Home Fifteen Speeding Tickets In His First Month Of Driving

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

15 thoughts on “Please Don’t Let My Son Read This When He Gets His Driver’s License**

  1. I assume you were rushing around town collecting “Surviving Earl Supplies”. This is in addition to your cache of water and radios. Better grab some batteries for when the crank thingy breaks.
    The List
    1. Food
    2. Water
    3. Booze
    4. Ammo
    5. Batteries
    6. Zombie Repellant

    PS: Praying that All Remain Safe and Cozy.

  2. Yes, it sucks when they are of driving age. WE have been going thru that with the soccerboy. He turns 16 next month. and everytime we are in the car he points out all the infractions I am making.

    So its do as I say not as I do soccerboy!

  3. Ha! Miss M and I have had the same conversations in the car! She always wants me to speed up and pass cars. And she also informs me when I’m going too fast. Yesterday, we passed a car (not speeding!), and she turns her head toward the other car and said, “Ha ha, sucka!”. Oh, boy. I’m in trouble.

  4. When I was 16ish I used to block drivers like you by riding side by side another car at the same speed no passing allowed because I could see you coming and I drove a black camaro with T-Tops so I was HOTT! LOL too funny cracking myself up now!! My sixteen year old gets her official drivers license tomorrow! Do as I say not as I do is RIGHT ON THE MONEY! It does make me feel better that your husband thinks she is a great kid, he did her 16 year old check up just about a month ago. You guys are a hoot!

  5. So good 16 year old Alex did not know 16 year old Chara. I bent my the axle on my mom’s car going really fast on a wet street and then still tried to make a turn (“Humm, no mom, I’m not sure why the car shakes when you start going over 45.”)…also decided to use a muddy road as a short cut, right after the rain, and decided it was better to speed up to go through the mud then slow down. Good thing a large truck carrying very enormous men were coming the other way to help push my now muddy and grass bearing Chevy Barretta (yeah baby!) out of the embankment. That was actually 18 year old Chara I think.

  6. You could never race me in that minivan 😉 eheh
    I drive like I’m still in France, with speed, precision and passion (i.e. cursing). Soon my son will report my every word to day care.
    I cannot wait.

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