My Son’s First Book Is Entitled: E Won The Soccer Game Because His Opponent Was In A Hole

My son, E, stiffens his arms out in my direction and between pursed lips says: PHPHPHPHPHPHPH!

E: You’re in the hole!

Me: Are we in the hole together?

E: No just you.

Me {sad face}: Oh.

E repeats this action towards the dog.

E: Ratchet’s in the hole.

Me: Is Ratchet in my hole? {yes I found this sentence uncomfortable too}

E: No, he’s in a Ratchet-sized hole.

Me {sadder face}: Oh {I have issues with being alone. just ask all my ex-boyfriends}

Scott pipes in: If it’s any consolation I’ve been in a hole WITH A LID since this afternoon.

Me: That IS consoling actually.

Scott: Well, I kept trying to find a means of escaping. First, I climbed a ladder. Then E said PHPHPHPHPHPH and made the ladder disappear. Next, I tried a rope. Same thing! Finally, I jumped REALLY REALLY high. So E put the lid on. And that hurt.

Me: Wow. You had quite the adventure this afternoon. {it didn’t even occur to me to escape. i totally have learned helplessness}

Scott: Well, E DID provide books. In fact, he gave me an entire series: How I’m Having Fun Playing Without You.

Me {giggling and a touch jealous since I don’t even have ONE book published}: Really?

Scott: The bright blue book was entitled: E Won The Soccer Game Because His Opponent Was In A Hole.

E: It had TEN WORDS.

Scott: “E won sixty million to zero because dada was in the hole.” {ten words. twelve words. who’s counting? YOU clearly.}

It’s conversations like these that make me think I should stop letting my kids listen to NPR.

Or stop putting people in holes.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

14 thoughts on “My Son’s First Book Is Entitled: E Won The Soccer Game Because His Opponent Was In A Hole

  1. That is seriously one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! hahaha I love the “If it’s any consolation I’ve been in a hole WITH A LID since this afternoon.” HAHA So perfect 🙂

  2. I saw this blog’s headline on my very little phone screen on facebook while on the bus heading home and I had to read it right away. I thought E’s opponent was an A Hole but then saw the opponent was In A Hole. So I got a double laugh out of this post.

  3. What about poor Rachet? Did he ever escape his doggy sized hole?

    For some reason this makes me thing of when my daughter says “cookies for sale, buy my cookies, we have all kinds” and then whatever kind her dad picks she won’t sell him. Every time. It happens with make believe ice cream too.

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