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Drink The Cake And Call It A Day. Or Your Life.

by Alex Iwashyna

in My Son, WTH

I believe strongly in cake. Birthday cakes. Valentine’s Day cakes. Graduation cakes. Cakes to say hello. Cakes to say good-bye. I Heart Cakes cakes.

Why yes that IS the UVa Rotunda.

I baked these myself. Which is why I bought his cake this year.

E's Birthday Cake

Doubles as a nap mat

So not surprising that:

  1. I would buy a cake much too big for E’s birthday.
  2. We would enjoy eating it for weeks.
  3. We would get another cake for my birthday.
  4. I’m eating that right now.

After one said eating opportunity, E chooses to wash his cake hands in his glass of water.

E: Mama can I drink it?

Me: What?

Since I could not answer quick enough in my sugar-induced coma, he quenches his thirst with a cup full of cake before I’ve decided whether this is weird. (I’m still up in the air about it. Although I’m still eating cake so my understanding of life is all soft and confectionery.)

E: Oh, it tastes like cream.

Me: Hmmm… I didn’t know that.

E: Where is this going? Is it going to my penis?

My mouth stays silent while my eyes start yelling: OMG, did he really say that? Am I going to have to give more of THE TALK? Are penises all we are ever going to discuss for the next ten years?

E: Or is it going to my poop-contestant?

Which is a fancy way of saying intestine. Or a brilliant idea of how my family can find fame and fortune.

Because how much would we rock The Price Is Poop? Or the 10,000 Farts Pyramid where you could only use bodily functions as clues?  Or if the Supermarket Sweep actually had contestants race around a grocery store trying to find a bathroom with a toddler and a preschooler and a stomach virus. Bonus points for not flashing your opponents and for having wipes.

Now that last one sounds impossible. You probably win cake in a cup. Or a year supply of awesome. Or Facebook.  Or an iPhone 4 that doesn’t hang up on your friends right when you’re being hilarious.

Good luck my fellow poop contestants.  And Happy Cake Day.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

TheKitchenWitch September 14, 2010 1

I’m pretty sure that penises adore cake.


Chara September 14, 2010 2

Getting your blog emailed to me is the best thing I’ve ever done. Ok, so maybe not ever, but definitely the best thing this whole month.

And a quick cake story for ya! about a week before my birthday my mom and I would go to this bakery and pick out my birthday cake (every year I can remember growing up – even into high school). Well, as I got older I could never find a cake I liked and it felt more and more uncool. PLus, a week before my b-day (Jan. 6) the bakery was usually always closed for New Year’s and it just became a pain in the rear trying to get there. Anyway, one year I remember saying “just never mind. Forget it. I don’t want a birthday cake.” And my mom totally freaked out and I remember her yelling, “YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CAKE!” Thought I’d share.


the Mother September 14, 2010 3

Nah, you’re not going to have to talk about penises for the rest of his childhood. In a few years, he and his penis will suddenly become very PRIVATE. Which might not make you as happy as you think.
the Mother recently posted..How Not to Drop Your Kid Off


KLZ September 14, 2010 4

I’m sure that all little boys have poop contestants. Although I’m not sure what types of prizes they are awarded. Corn, perhaps?
KLZ recently posted..Shes Got a Ticket to Ride but I dont


Kellie September 14, 2010 5

“poop contestant” I love it! I’m also pretty sure I have some mad skills when it comes to all bathroom related items and children. I’m looking forward to signing up for you show.


Walt September 14, 2010 6

I’ll take “Stuff That Flies Out of My Butt” for $500.
Walt recently posted..Are You Ready for Some Football


Melissa September 14, 2010 7

I totally needed a good laugh. And to talk about cake. And poop. Goodness, I need a life. Or cake.

BTW, cake is my favorite food group. My second favorite is orange – there are many, many yummy orange colored foods. Really, they should rearrange the food pyramid. Soon.


Kelly September 14, 2010 8

Poop contestant!! Hahahaha!! I love it! That is too funny!
Kelly recently posted..Back to Blogging- The First Post I Ever Wrote


Miss Nikki September 14, 2010 9

I love it! Poop contestant! I enter that contest EVERY single day!


Molly September 14, 2010 10

Oh this was pure greatness. Thanks for the excellent laugh.
Molly recently posted..Curse you Keith Morrison


Missy @ Wonder, Friend September 14, 2010 11

I’m pretty sure the penis talk never ends. Every man in my house, including the one who is significantly older than four, brings up some penile-related conversation every day.

The poop-contestant? I love it.
Missy @ Wonder, Friend recently posted..Facebook and Social Media Injuries


The Sweetest September 14, 2010 12

Oh, this is so familiar. We talk about poop all day long. Or pee. And I, too, made the mistake? of telling H that when you eat, the food goes down to the tummy and then gets turned to poo poo and then comes out the hiney. He is now obsessed with the “coming out the hiney” part.


Lisa Rae @smacksy September 14, 2010 13

Please sign me up for Cake Day… and The Price is Poop.
(I am some what of an expert at both.)
Lisa Rae @smacksy recently posted..Decorating


Adrienne September 14, 2010 14

My dear, first I will answer your question. Yes, you are going to talk about penises for the next ten years, except it’s not going to STOP after that. It keeps going.

Also on the conversational menu: poop, pee, vomit, and farts. Especially the farts.

My family challenges your family to a round of The 10,000 Farts Pyramid. I suggest you forfeit immediately as I have THREE sons, all with a great deal of practice in bodily-functions-as-humor, plus I have Abbie, whose wit is so quick and dry that everyone is always three jokes behind her. And my ace in the hole? Brian is pretty much still a penis-butt-fart-poop joke kind of a guy. Like a 12 year old boy, but with more practice.

Poop contestant. That killed me!


Nichole September 15, 2010 15

I heart cake. I heart cake lots.
My favorite is Tuesday cake. Followed closely by Thursday, Monday, Wendesday, Sunday, Friday, and Saturday cake.

And the cake water? I would have fought him for it.
You sitting there, missing your opportunity to nab the cake water was a rookie move, my friend.



Leslie September 15, 2010 16

I get the drinking glass hand-wash all the time around here, followed immediately by that same question: “Can I drink it?”
And now I want some cake of my own.
Leslie recently posted..plumb lazy – plum crazy


Tamara September 20, 2010 17

Talked to a friend today who makes cakes. She was talking about a recent cake order. A poop cake! I remembered reading this post and it made me think about you. Hopefully, you’ll take that as a compliment! Maybe you could order one to enjoy during this double “S time” week.


Late Enough September 20, 2010 18

OMG that makes me laugh. And that you thought of me. Makes me cry. But I think it’s from the laughter so don’t worry


Tamara September 21, 2010 19

You make me laugh all the time. So glad I could return the favor! And a little impressed with myself because I’m not funny.


Katy @ Dim Sum Debutante March 24, 2011 20

Oh, how I love some cake. Now that I know it can be drunk, perhaps a good mixer with my scotch?


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