Whole Foods: Your Little Carts May Have Won Over My Son But You Won’t Win Me Until You Get Some Decent Bagels

For the past month we’ve been grocery shopping at Whole Foods, also known as Whole PAYCHECK! HAHAhahaa… Yes, I know that you already heard it.

We go there because our local grocery store was bought out by a crappy grocery store and the local hippie store doesn’t carry an edible version of frozen pizza (a staple in any healthy home).

But mostly we go to Whole Foods because they have small carts for children to push. Or for small dogs to pull. Although how a small dog could afford to shop at Whole Foods is beyond me.

Two weeks ago, all the little carts were GONE. E’s reaction was the equivalent of Santa Claus giving all his presents to his sister and stealing his dog. And riding his bike away while laughing manically.

E: Mama, where are the carts?

Me: They aren’t there? Other little children must be using them.

{note: stupid thing to say}

E: WHERE? WHERE?

And he beelines into Whole Food with arms flailing and tears sprouting. Clearly, the idea that a) other children were somewhere in the vicinity playing on some hidden playground of awesome and b) they stole his cart to get there, proves to be too much to continue listening. We end up going in and out of the store THREE TIMES before our sanity, also known as a small cart, is returned.

Psst, Whole Foods! You needs an iPhone app that tells parents (me) if the carts are available because this week, I was in full-on panic that there would be an E with no cart.

Clearly, all that panicked praying pays off because the cart is there and off we go (and that’s how God totally works). But Scott has to pee (actually that’s not true but I’m trying to preserve his dignity) so of course, E has to pee. Which leaves me, my sixteen month old, and two extraordinarily different-sized carts.

After hopping through the produce aisle while pushing the big cart with my hands and E’s cart with my foot and also swerving around rich hippies, I have the brilliant idea of letting my DAUGHTER push the little cart.

She is PSYCHED and although has no driving skills whatsoever (I blame Scott) she is a better driver than my left foot. Until we mistakenly stop by the hummus. I don’t know if I ate a lot while pregnant or it’s some sort of guerilla mission to rid Whole Foods of blended chickpeas but she would NOT stop.

N hoards hummus. Don't tell A&E.

I begin encouraging fellow shoppers to look in N’s cart when they couldn’t find a particular flavor. Or any flavor. The hummus-lovers are not pleased.

Of course, when E spies his little sister driving HIS CART, I have to put my hostage negotiations skills into play. And we’ve already seen how good I was with the hummus.

So using magic fairy dust (Whole Foods has EVERYTHING), I convince E that we weren’t trying to steal his cart while simultaneously convince N that riding in MY CART is more fun than pushing E’s.

Oh and E frees the hummus. Even the one I wanted to buy.

We continue on for the next twenty minutes. Mowing down yuppies. Trying to sneak hummus into our cart. Being unable to find non-spelt bagels.

Exhausted from having to pretend that acai berry REALLY DOES everything pomegranates, lingonberries, and blueberries promised (seriously, we got the right fruit this time), I turn to Scott and say: I’m done. Let’s go home.

Scott: Do we have any food for dinners this week?

Me: Do we have McDonalds and IHOP?

And with that, the entire store gets quiet and the Whole Foods police escort us out.

Tagged as: Being Green, dignity, Dogs, Go Green, Grocery Shopping, Hip, Hippies, iPhone, panic, parents, paycheck, Scott, Stupid, Whole Foods