Think Of All The Fun We Will Have When I Stop Cursing You Out

I hate my neighborhood.

I thought it was the people. And then I realized that it IS the people especially when they’re behind the wheel of large metal objects speeding towards my family.

The other day, I am walking with my daughter and my dog, Ratchet. The dog, being unaware of the perils of living in a family-friendly neighborhood gets tangled up in the leash in the middle of the road. As I move N’s stroller to the side of the road and start untangling Ratchet, I note a mid-size gray SUV coming up FAST. And I continue righting the leash so I can pull Ratchet out of the way without him losing circulation in three of his legs.

But the car is WITHOUT SIGNS OF STOPPING OR MOVING TO THE SIDE. More like signs of pushing us out of the way without leaving any broken bones behind. I finally just grab my dog’s collar to drag him out of the way. But slips out (stupid pointy-head dog).

I SCREAM as he lunges in front of the car

BECAUSE THE CAR KEEPS COMING.

I glare FIRE out of my eyes. And she meets my death gaze and GLARES BACK!

I awkwardly manage to keep Ratchet from the front of her car with a neck hug and finish off my glare with a F*ck You B*tch. (*asterisks not included in actual scenario)

I’m 95% sure she’s a neighbor. (I try to avoid meeting and/or remembering people so I can’t be 100% sure.)

But that’s not the reason I hope her closed windows kept her from hearing my expletives.

And it’s not because my words weren’t honest.

I hope that she didn’t hear me because today I’m just not someone who curses people out.

I actually don’t curse anymore (let’s give me a 99% of the time). I know lots of people who do. I couldn’t care less. Cursing doesn’t offend or impress me. Most of my friends curse (including my husband).

I stopped because I did it for so long that one day I was done. The words had no interest to me. And since my cursing career began in third grade when I taught my best friend a string of expletives to say in fast whispery tones, it was REVOLUTIONARY for me to stop.

I’m like a rebel against myself.

And I’d like to stay that way.

And I hate when I have to apology for behavior that I don’t even 99% of the time do anymore.

And I hate when another person’s behavior dictates my own.

And since she isn’t the first neighbor to bring out my overly honest, observative side, I’m starting to think: God f*cking d*mmit, I need to move.

Or egg her house.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

21 thoughts on “Think Of All The Fun We Will Have When I Stop Cursing You Out

  1. Jeez, and I thought my nosey, gossipy neighbours were awful. That’s horrible, when you egg her house use rotten eggs.

    Then stab her in the eye with a rusty bucket.

  2. I think neighbors are hard, but I’m lucky to have some really good ones. There are the ones with the barking dogs and the Rottweilers and the teenagers with drug problems, but there are also the really nice ones. We are fortunate not to have many SUVs in our Irish ghetto of a neighborhood, though.

  3. I’m right there with you – I hardly curse either (but more because it makes me feel like I’m turning into my mom than anything else). But when the rare occasion comes up and I do – I feel horrible afterwards…it’s just not worth it to me…
    At least you have a nice house

  4. Maybe you should have taken your hubby up on that whole house in the mountains thing. No neighbors to put your lives in peril out there!
    I have a decently filthy mouth myself. I’ve toned it down now that I have a child. But I unleash it sometimes in random, calm conversations (I’m too scared to actually use it out loud on people in anger – weird, I know). And I feel so unclassy. It’s just not very becoming for me.

  5. This is why I read this blog….
    Al writes:”I glare FIRE out of my eyes. And she meets my death gaze and GLARES BACK!”
    and I think: “Me and my dog do that all the time”.

  6. You are so awesome. Not only because you tell one HECK of a story, but because you stopped swearing! Wow. It’s one thing if you just never started swearing at all, but to be a potty mouth and THEN stop?! I’m impressed! I just don’t think I could do that. But you are stronger than me. I couldn’t cut out TV either. 🙂

    I don’t like our neighbors either. And there are MANY people who speed down our tiny little street like it’s a racetrack or something. Annoying! That girl DESERVED the fire glare and the expletives!

  7. We hate all of our neighbors, too. Okay, not true- we like two or three. I don’t remember having this trouble growing up, with rude / weird neighbors and speeding tanks / cars. I do remember having a cursing problem growing up. Still do.

  8. I’m waiting for the day that I run out of cusses. Seriously. Now that my 20-month-old daughter has joined me on this carnival, it’s getting ugly fast.

    Glad everyone’s OK. And yes, egg her house. Just don’t cuss while doing it. 🙂

  9. I have some pretty craptastic neighbors too. Not the run-you-over-in-the-street kind. The overly-noisey-can’t-even-walk-through-my-backyard-without-having-a-30-minute-conversation-about-nothing kind. My hubby doesn’t even acknowledge them anymore. It’s hilarious.

  10. Oh my dear friend. I am totally doing recon. I need a description of the type of car you saw and then I’m t.p.-ing a house. I’m up anyway at 3 a.m. Might as well start my Lulu on the right path. Yeehaw! (I’m not joking by the way.)

  11. We have a neighbor who is blatantly racist. I had no idea until the night We had them to dinner. They have a child who is the same age as B and A and thought it might be a nice thing to socialize with them. Uh yeah. Threatened to hit his wife, was super impatient with his child and freely expressed his desire to leave our diverse neighborhood because of the g–ks and N—–s. After they left that night, I felt like I needed to shower, Silkwood style. He has taught his child who is 2 to use racial slurs and I have heard her say the f word. He refers to most of our neighbors as trash. I think he has it backwards.

  12. Seriously, think of it this way, now you know exactly where to take the dog when he needs to poop…every day… two or three times a day. (and by that, i mean of course, her front yard, or that little strip of grass right outside her street parking spot.)

    also, i think you should get a “drive slowly, children at play” sign, mount it on a metal pole, then carry it around to whack speeding cars with. should get the message across in a jiffy.

    And, side note… i’m impressed by your total cursing redemption – that’s life changing, dude. Thanks to my extended family, i’ve got a hearty arsenal of foul language that i could easily unleash at a moment’s notice. i generally keep that skill under wraps, but it does still slip out once in a while, much to my dismay. So unnecessary.

    but I did want to note that you may want to say “cussing” instead of cursing if you want to pretend you’re not all yankeefied anymore… or whatever : )

  13. re: the crazy driver lady, I have a couple ideas. I am serious. One is, when you aren’t trying to drag your dog and/or kid to safety, figure out where she/he is going and go find out where the person lives. Go leave a note on the windshield. You also could TAKE A PICTURE of the back of her car, if your camera phone is faster than mine. and then call the police. It probably won’t do any good but if you keep doing it and telling them the license plate number it might help. Do it every time it happens.

    Or else you could wave a a sign at her saying I HAVE FRESH COOKIES IN THE KITCHEN, STOP AND HAVE ONE. She actually may be a very nice lady who just needs to go to the bathroom.

    Or you could get together a petition for speed bumps on your street. Do you have a neighborhood association?

    Or you could stand on the curb with a brick and throw it through her windshield. I actually had a friend who did that once.

    Your call.

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