I hate my neighborhood.
I thought it was the people. And then I realized that it IS the people especially when they’re behind the wheel of large metal objects speeding towards my family.
The other day, I am walking with my daughter and my dog, Ratchet. The dog, being unaware of the perils of living in a family-friendly neighborhood gets tangled up in the leash in the middle of the road. As I move N’s stroller to the side of the road and start untangling Ratchet, I note a mid-size gray SUV coming up FAST. And I continue righting the leash so I can pull Ratchet out of the way without him losing circulation in three of his legs.
But the car is WITHOUT SIGNS OF STOPPING OR MOVING TO THE SIDE. More like signs of pushing us out of the way without leaving any broken bones behind. I finally just grab my dog’s collar to drag him out of the way. But slips out (stupid pointy-head dog).
I SCREAM as he lunges in front of the car
BECAUSE THE CAR KEEPS COMING.
I glare FIRE out of my eyes. And she meets my death gaze and GLARES BACK!
I awkwardly manage to keep Ratchet from the front of her car with a neck hug and finish off my glare with a F*ck You B*tch. (*asterisks not included in actual scenario)
I’m 95% sure she’s a neighbor. (I try to avoid meeting and/or remembering people so I can’t be 100% sure.)
But that’s not the reason I hope her closed windows kept her from hearing my expletives.
And it’s not because my words weren’t honest.
I hope that she didn’t hear me because today I’m just not someone who curses people out.
I actually don’t curse anymore (let’s give me a 99% of the time). I know lots of people who do. I couldn’t care less. Cursing doesn’t offend or impress me. Most of my friends curse (including my husband).
I stopped because I did it for so long that one day I was done. The words had no interest to me. And since my cursing career began in third grade when I taught my best friend a string of expletives to say in fast whispery tones, it was REVOLUTIONARY for me to stop.
I’m like a rebel against myself.
And I’d like to stay that way.
And I hate when I have to apology for behavior that I don’t even 99% of the time do anymore.
And I hate when another person’s behavior dictates my own.
And since she isn’t the first neighbor to bring out my overly honest, observative side, I’m starting to think: God f*cking d*mmit, I need to move.
Or egg her house.