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The End of the World Starts Here

by Alex Iwashyna

in The House, WTH

The apocalypse will begin in my yard. Probably on the day the Justin Bieber memoir comes out.

In this exact spot.

This spot was once a deep hole. The kind of hole that constantly appeared under your foot and twisted your ankle.

So my husband and son filled it with top soil. With the intention of placing grass seed on top.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. But it’s not paved. It’s dirt.

Because within three weeks, rocks began appearing in the hole. Which is weird.

But then we found…

A SEASHELL.

The seal no one writes a movie about because it involves a cute clam shell

The closest ocean to us is an hour and thirty minutes away WITHOUT TUNNEL TRAFFIC (which means nothing to non-Virginians but let’s just say it’s far far away).

And no. The shell was dirty with dirt. So it did not HAPPEN TO FALL FROM OUR CAR. (Our car happens to be dirty with Cheerios and dog hair thankyouverymuch.)

The shell came up from whatever dimension that the hole is the gateway. Hell. The Twilight Zone. An Old Indian Burial Ground. Even zombies, demons and tiny spaceship men who land ON EARTH must need a place to relax every so often. Maybe splash around a bit before taking over Earth.

The only other possibility that I see is that there’s a space-time disturbance and the beach and my home are actually IN THE SAME SPOT. So I’m bound to see Spock and/or Captain Picard appear in my living room at ANY MOMENT.

Well, beam me up, Scotty. Because the world’s about to end in my front yard.

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Walt August 3, 2010 1

After careful consideration, it’s not Hell or the Twilight Zone or even Zombies. You’ve got LAND CLAMS. Similar to their Ocean-Going cousins,
LAND CLAMS are infesting back yards across the country. Native to Asia, the LAND CLAM, authorities theorize that Clams found today come from discarded pets that have survived in the wild.

What you’ve found is the discarded shell. Look around the yard and you’ll probably find it lurking in the bushes. They don’t move fast and are easy to catch when they are still the size of a Frisbee. Just grab it and chuck into the neighbor’s yard. Adult LAND CLAMS can grow to the size of an ottoman or recliner and have been know to eat pets and small children. Teaching your kids to be aware is best. Most kids can run away from them if they spot them first.
Walt recently posted..Did Anyone See This Coming

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SuzRocks August 3, 2010 2

If I lived anywhere near Virginia, I would come to your house in the middle of the night and plant little fishes and jellyfish on the spot o’ dirt. That would be creepy and wrong on so many levels.
SuzRocks recently posted..Why I wish to be a dog in my next life

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AKeo August 3, 2010 3

Both the History Channel and the Bible talk about the Earth being completely flooded once. Maybe that clam is prehistoric… or from Noah’s time. You should sell it to a museum.
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TheKitchenWitch August 3, 2010 4

Spooky! Maybe you unwittingly covered Alice’s rabbit-hole?
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angelica August 3, 2010 5

…and here I am worrying about silly things like deadlines….
angelica recently posted..singing lullabies to fate

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KLZ August 3, 2010 6

Next thing you know, Keanu Reeves will be leaving notes in your mailbox from 5 years from now.
KLZ recently posted..Like giving Meth to an Meth Addictbut Legal

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the Mother August 3, 2010 7

I like Walt’s suggestion. You are obviously infested by YET ANOTHER scary thing that we must protect the kids from.

Maybe you should move?
the Mother recently posted..Why Do We Blog

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Natalie August 3, 2010 8

I was gonna try to type out the words that sounded like the Twilight Zone music, but couldn’t get it right.

Kinda creepy…
Natalie recently posted..You Give Me Fever

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ShannonL August 3, 2010 9

That is WEIRD! And I’m still in shock that Justin Bieber is writing a memoir. Too funny!
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Walt August 3, 2010 10

I’m shocked that Justin Bieber can write. Didn’t he used to be Leo DiCaprio’s stunt double?
Walt recently posted..The Oregon Trail

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Ronnica August 3, 2010 11

Where did you get the topsoil from? Therein lies your answer, methinks. Unless it was simply from another part of your yard. Then I’d suggest flying clams.
Ronnica recently posted..Upcoming at the Ignorant Historian

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Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli August 3, 2010 12

Definitely what Walt said. Land clams. The dog ate the clam when no one was looking and left behind the shell.
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Walt August 3, 2010 13

Nope. LAND CLAM shed the shell as it grew. Check the bushes.
Walt recently posted..The Oregon Trail

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Stacia August 3, 2010 14

A glitch in the matrix! Look out for for the Mr. Smiths.
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Allison @ Alli 'n Son August 3, 2010 15

OK, that’s just weird and a little spooky. If I were you, I’d either pack up my family and move, or fill in the hole with concrete. Then a heavy metal door, like the kind leading to the Hatch in Lost. Just to freak people out even more.
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metta1313 August 4, 2010 16

That is creepy. I definitely would think the world is ending soon.

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bmomma August 4, 2010 17

so clearly someone in the house is into sacrificial clams now. better than lamb’s blood, I guess…
actually, I think you should stand on the spot at midnight and see what happens. most especially at midnight with a full moon. don’t forget the camera. and maybe a rope and a snorkel, in case you sink into the ocean.

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rachel August 5, 2010 18

We’ve found tiny seashells in our yard before. It’s an interesting lesson for the kids on how the earth has changed over thousands of years and always leads to a discussion about what will happen if all that water comes back and we have to swim around our house and how will we have a drink of water while we’re all UNDERwater…

Also, how did that topsoil fill-in work out? We have one of those holes in our front yard and I wondered about the best way to do it.
rachel recently posted..How Its Supposed To Be

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Late Enough August 6, 2010 19

It’s been good if you want to open the portal to hell.

(the hole is totally gone but we haven’t planted grass seed yet)

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