Solving Global Warming One Strip Mall At A Time

We’re walking the strip mall to a pizza place. The food of the gods! (No, it’s not the restaurant name. I’m suddenly disappointed, too.)

But pizza is the base of my family’s food pyramid. I haven’t gone a week without pizza since the mid-nineties.

(So I guess I’m implying that my family are gods.  Now I feel more awkward than disappointed.)

As we pass one not-good-enough-for-the-real-mall store after another, we reach the Healthy Back Store. With their door propped wide-open on a typical Virginian summer day (read: our eyeballs are sweating as we watch small insects sneak into air-conditioned stores and freeze in mid-flight).

E asks: Why is the door open?
Scott replies: Because they hate the environment.

I gaff (I’m not really sure how to gaff but I like misspelling it over and over again to give my spellcheck something to do tonight that’s manageable. Oh, I spelled “manageable” wrong. Twice.  It has an “e” in it.  FYI.)

Anyway, the Healthy Back store totally DOES hate the environment because not only do they cool the sidewalk with central air, EVERY EMPLOYEE they hire has to take a smoke break at the same time. They gather in front of the (open) door in their spiffy black Healthy Back polo shirts (and probably pants but I can’t remember) and puff puff puff.

And those employees are going to have to DRIVE CARS to get to chemo.

So I’m pretty sure the motto of the store is:

Which seems like a bad business plan since the Earth is where the store is. Although maybe they’re expanding.

To be fair to the Health Back Store, I could note that I often sit at the door in a large pink chair INSIDE the house while my children play OUTSIDE in the backyard. I wave. I smile.  I leave the door WIDE-OPEN. But I only destroy the environment when it’s over 90 degrees. And I quit smoking eight years ago.  And I don’t have a motto. Except early sucks.

But I don’t want to lose my eco-cred.  So forget it, I’m not noting this at all.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

13 thoughts on “Solving Global Warming One Strip Mall At A Time

  1. I have nothing really to say here except, I’m laughing. Hard. And thank you for that since I’ve been up since 5 and needed a laugh. And yes, Early Sucks.

  2. Okay, I have to start with a confession. Sometimes I have to Google to figure what the heck you’re talking about. I thought “Healthy Back” was a pseudonym of yours. But NO! It’s a Real Place. It looks snooty enough to be in The Real Mall (maybe a Nevada Real Mall). I get the feeling that strip malls in Virginia are way more yuppie that strip malls in Nevada. We have SMOKE SHOPS in ours. Are Smoke Shops even legal in Virginia?

  3. Our healthy back store has nice people who really do care for the environment. And don’t smoke.

    I know this because I have spent eons AND fortunes in the healthy back store. Because that particular item is something my hubby does not have.

  4. I wonder if they use the cigarette filters in some of their products? Maybe they recycle them to make pillows? Maybe they leave the door open to air out the recycled filters…yea, that’s it.

    Ding dongs. I bet they have to hike up the ridiculous prices even more to pay the AC bill.

  5. “As we pass one not-good-enough-for-the-real-mall store after another…”

    Some excellent word smithing right there, you! And my husband totally feels the same way about pizza. If we go a week without it, he starts getting this annoying whole-body twitch.

  6. At first I thought “Healthy Back” was a pizza place with a really weird name. Then I thought it was something like “Bringing Sexy Back”. Except they were bringing healthy back (which America really could use). But I realized it was for a healthy back (after I Googled it of course).
    I’m leaving while I’m obviously not ahead…

  7. BUT: Just think of the posture those Healthy Back employees will have on their too-early deathbeds. I mean, they’ll be as straight as pins, lucky bastards.

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