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The Most Important Review Of The First Four Episodes Of True Blood Ever

by Alex Iwashyna

in WTH

I only began watching True Blood a month ago. Try not to die of shock. We don’t have cable and the vampires didn’t sparkle. And I honestly didn’t know if I could handle another take on vampire life. Because seriously people, they don’t exist. Unlike zombies.

But Scott took the plunge. And I found his computer irresistible while I was supposed to be on my Mac, writing. I began watching over his shoulder. And I could probably point out the sucky blog posts from those nights.

So I’m working my way through the first season, but True Blood is now in its fourth (yes, I had to look that up) season so I can still use Twitter on Sunday nights because I have no idea what the cool kids are talking about. I can’t even remember the main characters names. Snooki? Nope. It’s Sookie. (I don’t watch Jersey Shore either.) And who knows if Sookie will be eaten by season two anyway? Oh wait, she’s still in the cast & characters lineup on the HBO website. Total spoiler.

Anyway, I am loving the show, albeit slowly. Except for feeling like I moved to the wrong neighborhood.

If you can’t see the video, click here.

And now I realize where I’m going with this.

I want to be a character on True Blood.

I’m going to keep the name Alex because, like a dog, it’s the only name I’ll respond to. I really want to be fast but also be able to hang out during the day (sleeping in a pile of dead leaves is NOT for me). And I’d love to shape-shift. But into inanimate objects. Like my iPhone.

I still need a fatal flaw. And big boobs. Or an accent. Not my Yankee accent peppered with y’alls. Something exotic. Like Staten Island. Or Quebec.

And Ratchet Dog will be my sidekick. But he’ll just be a plain old vampire dog. With barks that wake up the dead.

Face of Tennessee Coonhoond Dog Looking Into Camera

I can make vampires AND zombies. BWAHAHAHA.

I’m definitely going to have to move though. Because my neighbors don’t seem to have any superpowers at all. Unless being normal suddenly becomes AWESOME.

Normal Blood: The Boring Account Of Alex Blogging In Virginia About Her Neighbors Never Eating Each Other’s Brains Or Biting Each Other.

Oh crap, that’s kind of my blog already.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Jana @ An Attitude Adjustment August 17, 2010 1

I loved True Blood in the beginning (like you guys, watched on DVD), and then the end of the first season got sort of lame, I thought. I gave it a second try for the second season and have been pleasantly surprised. All in all? Second season much better. But you gotta watch the first season to know that, obviously.


Sonja August 17, 2010 2

It’s so funny you should post about this because both me and my husband have recently become true blood fans. The first couple episodes were awful and we really did not think we could take any more of it, but then all the sudden you get hooked. We are on season 2 now which is pretty good so far.


TheKitchenWitch August 17, 2010 3

Have not seen it. Sigh. Yet more proof that I am a lame-ass.
TheKitchenWitch recently posted..Intentional Happiness- NYC Edition


KLZ August 17, 2010 4

I would watch you and a vampire dog any day.

And who knows what your neighbors are REALLY up to? I think you need to start spying on them. Pronto. Maybe that can be your power.
KLZ recently posted..Get Out- Squatters but Continue to Pay Me


the Mother August 17, 2010 5

Not to burst your bubble, but there’s actually more support in the medical literature for vampires (porphyria) and werewolves (hypertrichosis) than zombies (like, uh, none). Just sayin’.

Gotta love a show that revels in sex and gore. Often in the very same scene.


Walt August 17, 2010 6

Ummmmm….no. Vampires and Werewolves are fiction. However Zombies can be produced by whipping up a Haitian neurotoxin (did I spell that right?). Have you read The Serpent and the Rainbow? Once you get past the movie hype and read the back story you’ll never look at a puffer fish the same way again. Al’s facination with the undead is not as disturbing as her fascination with a TV show. Has the TV Challenge crashed and burned?? I probably missed something important because I’m a man and wasn’t paying attention. I do want to included the phrase “Penis Doctor” in my comment but cannot seem to connect that to vampires or the undead. No…wait……


Melissa August 17, 2010 7

I just want to meet Eric. Seriously. I don’t need to be a character. I can just be some supporting vampire or shape shifter or even Sookie’s cleaning lady. You will see as it goes on, she really will need a cleaning lady.


Adrienne August 17, 2010 8

I just finished season 1 last night. When it’s not a soft core porn, the show is amazing. But the amount of sex on the show is dizzying, and quite frankly, gratuitous and boring.
I did not need to see Janis from Mean Girls’ boobs.


Natalie August 17, 2010 9

Have been watching True Blood from the beginning…it’s one of my favorite shows on tv!

Here’s an idea: maybe you can bring zombies to Bon Temps! You could be Queen of the Zombies! Or Zombie Overseer. Or something.
Natalie recently posted..Happy Birthday Ladies


angelica August 17, 2010 10

why on earth do you want to turn into your iPhone?
angelica recently posted..parenthood is nothing but a series of days


Walt August 17, 2010 11

So that no one can talk to me…duh.


soccermom August 17, 2010 12

Yeah , even though i have seen the “twlight” movies, only cause a friend of mine drug me to go see them, I am not a huge vampire fan.
The movies weren’t bad, but I am so over all the new vampire stuff they have out.

I’m ready for someone to make some new really good scary shit again.



SuzRocks August 17, 2010 13

I read the true blood books first, and then was a few years behind watching the shows. I got to the 2nd season and quit halfway through. It just got REALLY weird. And they totally are not nice vampires like Edward…um…I mean, I didn’t like the cinematography.
SuzRocks recently posted..Spring Break 2010- Anesthesia Version


Kate August 17, 2010 14

First, Ratchet is a glorious beast, excellent side kick. I am woefully behind the times on all TV, except PBS kids (TV regression), and I’m not quite taken with the vampire thing. After reading The Mother’s comments- yikes. But… I would love to live surrounded by exceptional people, with cool powers. Is there an ap for that?


Nichole August 17, 2010 15

You, my friend, are beyond fabulous.
Here’s your superpower:
Making your grumpy-ass friends laugh so hard the pee their pants…a little. Okay, a lot.
The vlog? Purely awesome.


Carolyn (temysmom) August 17, 2010 16

I came late to the party too… just watched my first two episodes of True Blood. Okay, I didn’t want to do it but I got curious what all the fuss was about. Yes, I’m a crazy Twilight Mom too. Loving True Blood so far.
Carolyn (temysmom) recently posted..The Drama of Wearing Pretty Clothes


Chara August 17, 2010 17

I have heard of this show but have not seen any of it. Is it worth adding to my already pathetic t.v. viewing? And you TOTALLY have super powers! You predict things happening…don’t you? You have the ability to appear and disappear in your car without being noticed (like the Phantom). And the ability to thwart evil doers (a.k.a. speeding neighbors) and save your children and dog from immediate danger.


Corinne August 17, 2010 18

I’m still cracking up over your video :) LOVE.
I haven’t gotten into True Blood (no cable here either) but I did like the Twilight books. Now I’m totally over that. Didn’t even see the latest movie… my only explanation for that was I was still drinking when I read the books. I wasn’t in my right mind ;)
Corinne recently posted..Summer night ramble


MommyNaniBooboo August 18, 2010 19

I would also like to be a character on True Blood- but I won’t tell you what kind, because you probably don’t even know they exist yet.

PS- what the hell is “Jersey Shore”?
MommyNaniBooboo recently posted..Getting To Know Me


Mandy August 18, 2010 20

Totally dig True Blood. But not in the creepy I-buy-the-blood-orange-soda-in-a-true-blood-bottle way.

Probably because they don’t sell it here.

But then, I love vampire stories/movies/television shows. Except Twilight. But that’s because of the cut off shorts.

I’m an Eric sort of gal. Bill and his vampire angst bugs. I love a man who’s happy with himself and who he is – even if that means he’s a blood sucking monster.

Ratchet can be friends with Bunnicula.
Mandy recently posted..Whooping Cough


The Sweetest August 18, 2010 21

I have not watched True Blood but have heard it’s awesome. We, too, are like, many seasons behind on EVERY show, and I have my obsessions. You can be a TB character, and I can be in Entourage.


Christine LaRocque August 19, 2010 22

Huge True Blood fans here. Is it sad that it marks date night? Like the one night of the week that we actually sit together and focus on the same thing?

Keep at it, it gets better, and gorier. And keep the dog…you’ll need him.
Christine LaRocque recently posted..Following in his fathers footsteps


SteelerFanMom August 21, 2010 23

This post caught my attention because I was given the first season for my birthday. I too don’t get HBO and didn’t get what the hype was about. My husband wrinkled his nose and said, “I don’t like that vampire [bleep].” We both became True Blood addicts within a couple of episodes however. We finished the season last night, looked at one another and pondered out loud, “Now what do we do?”
SteelerFanMom recently posted..Chain Overreaction


Becca August 21, 2010 24

I love True Blood!! I think were only on season three right now, season 2 is about the Menad, and season one is all the intro kind of. I hope you’re ok with the OMG… Cause there is kind of a lot, lol!
Becca recently posted..Dont you want to lose weight


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