My sister, Katie (usually known on this blog as Aunt K, the Toddler Whisperer), is visiting and one of our many many important discussions turns to bras. And how much ours suck.
Me: We should get measured and go bra shopping tonight.
Katie: I’ve never been measured before. But my favorite strapless bra is from JCPenney
Me: Well I have two Victoria’s Secret bras I bought AFTER my first fitting. Both the same size. One slides up over my boobs and tries to escape via my neck and the other cuts off all circulation to my lower body. Plus I love JC. Let’s go.
We walk into their bra department and mull around the checkout counter in the hopes that the FIT SPECIALIST they advertised with the many certificates-shaped frames hanging around the sign will see how much our boobs need help.
After a few minutes, two women walk towards us. Daring us to ask for help. We accept.
Me: We need to get measured for bras.
Katie: Do you have the FIT SPECIALIST?
Woman 1: That’s me. {glances around as though another fit specialist might jump out and say LIAR.}
She grabs a tape measure and my sister and starts measure her armpits.
K: Um, okay right here in the aisle.
Fit Specialist yells: YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A BRA.
Me {cheerily}: Well, wait until you measure me!
FS to K: YOU’RE A 36. WAIT, YOU ARE SMALLER IN THE BREASTS. Let me remeasure. {tape back in armpit} You’re a 35. BUT WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 35 BRAS. HA! Let’s say 36A. Or hmmm.. 38… wait, 36… 38… Let me think. You COULD do a 38A but WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 38A. HA! {awkward pause} What size you wear now?
K: 34B
FS: Do your bras fit?
K: Yes?
FS: Get that. 34B. Sounds good.
{moves towards me}
FS: You don’t even HAVE BOOBS.
Me: Well if you know how I can grow more, let me know.
She measures as I prepare to be sent to the training bras.
FS: You’re a 32B. What size you wear?
Me: 34A
FS: But NOBODY makes A cups.
Me: Yes, they ARE hard to find…
As she walks away, she calls out: Y’all are just toothpicks with teeth.
Proof that my sister coming out of the fitting with a smaller cup size than me is INSANE
We wander around the grandma bras looking for the exact same size we are already wearing.
I find the bra that can be worn 62 WAYS.
I almost bought this for the CHALLENGE. Especially when the website only lists 17, and I can think of 87 ways to WOW. And at least one includes a small dog, the bra and rainbows.
And I grabbed another 52 bras because it turns out our fit specialist was more special than specialist.
Three thousand nude bras for the old married lady.
As I put my own crappy bra back on, our FIT SPECIALIST bursts into the fitting room and asks: ARE Y’ALL MAKING A MESS FOR ME? WE’RE CLOSING.
Me: I’m trying to put all the bras back on the hanger.
FS: JUST GIVE THEM TO ME. Did you find one you liked? {is she worried about being recorded?}
Me: Yes. But I don’t remember which one.
The FIT SPECIALIST is not pleased with my indecision so I grab the Ego Boost
See, it's already working.
As I check out, my fit specialist says: You have to pay full price for the bra.
So FYI: the little-boob discount isn’t good anymore.
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I used to have problems finding bras that fit- then I got two pounds of boob taken off my chest and now I fit perfectly. I’d recommend it. The drugs weren’t bad either.
Let’s hope Oprah is one of your faithful readers. Maybe she can point you in the direction of a true fit specialist. I hear she sings she loves a good bra so much!
Like Stephanie, your blog has become my happy place. I read and laugh and think I JUST LOVE YOU!
Ditto the Nordstrom comment!!! They are so fantastic!!!!!!
Am dying over here.
This was so freaking funny.
And. Me too. ME TOO. ME TWO. TOO SMALL.
true confession: I own only one bra that “works” for me. It was free from @kristenhowerton (long story) and is a spanx bra. I’m all about spanx bras now and I highly recommend forking over the dough for one. It may be gross that I wear it 700 times before washing it, but whatevs, this bra is my only option. And when it’s in the wash, I wear maternity bras even though I haven’t been pregnant or nursing for over two years.
heh.
I was laughing and laughing and laughing but then that last picture? That one put me over the top.
Thanks, you!
You are too funny. Hate bra shopping. HATE HATE HATE. There is no good bra out there to reshape and lift what is now morphed and sunken. Oh and I love how Vicki’s Secret is all like…well a 34B is the same as a 36A is the same as a…. just give me a size and give me a bra and make it work…GEEZ!
Funny!! Love this post. I should write a post about the extreme opposite experience in bra land. Where an antirely new alphabet is revealed in order to hold everything in.
I like the go bra though – did you contact Kelly Lebrock?
Can I just say, I’m glad I’m not the only tiny boobed woman out there! I love my 32-B’s, if and when I can find them. In my tiny town, they are even harder to find than A’s.
Bra’s totally blow, by the way.
Fit specialist my a$$! I actually went and had a real bra fitting when I was in NY at a place called Intimacy (they have them other places too). They don’t even measure you. Of course some absolute stranger demands you get topless and she looks at you to see what size you are, but I have never been happier or had bras that fit better!
Oh, girl, I hear ya! Can be totally nightmarish. Hafta be honest though, as a bit of an itty bitty pre-kids, this kinda scares me a little… But must agree with other suggestions on Nordstrom and Neiman’s, both have been (for this girl) as pleasant as these things can be.
I hate bras. I think we should just burn them. I’m like Heather of the EO–right now, I have one, maybe two that work. I bought a second, same size as the first, from Victoria’s Secret (HATE their commercials but I do think their products are good, and I like how they make me feel special about my underthings), and it’s too damn tight. So now I need to lose weight to make that $40 worth it.
I’m not certain whether to sigh in sympathy or stare in…let’s say bemusement. That’s not a word you hear outside of romance novels too often.
I’m currently sporting a 38G althought those are partically impossible to find so I usually end up wearing a 42DDDD which doesn’t actually fit that well but at least it’s not the parachute 38I that I bought at Nordstroms after my milk came in with Joseph. (For the low, low price of $90!) On the plus side, I sit and hope and pray to the mamo-goddesses that I’ll get down to a DD. I don’t even try to make them laugh with hopes of a pre-baby D.
Why do I think we’ve talked about this before?
As a woman who abhors bra shopping as much as she needs a good bra, go to Nordstroms for your next fitting. They’re amazing. Oprah said so.
Yup. I almost pissed myself.
Well my plan for next weekend was to go to JCPenny to get measured and some new bras, but now I’m scared…but I still need bras….yikes!
Gosh, I learned somethings here. Maybe I can grow some, too :)
What a hilarious post! I love the way you write. I also love the fact that I’m not alone in my quest for one bra that fits. I came across your blog while searching online for an answer to “Why doesn’t Victoria’s Secret make a 38A bra?” Because that’s what the fitting specialist told me, after helping me try on EVERY single style of bra in their Union Station store. Turns out having more back than front makes me a bit of a freak, according to bra manufacturers. So even if my ego has been through the ringer today, I’m really glad I discovered your blog.
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