My Boobs Have Feelings Too

My sister, Katie (usually known on this blog as Aunt K, the Toddler Whisperer), is visiting and one of our many many important discussions turns to bras. And how much ours suck.

Me: We should get measured and go bra shopping tonight.

Katie: I’ve never been measured before. But my favorite strapless bra is from JCPenney

Me: Well I have two Victoria’s Secret bras I bought AFTER my first fitting. Both the same size. One slides up over my boobs and tries to escape via my neck and the other cuts off all circulation to my lower body. Plus I love JC. Let’s go.

We walk into their bra department and mull around the checkout counter in the hopes that the FIT SPECIALIST they advertised with the many certificates-shaped frames hanging around the sign will see how much our boobs need help.

After a few minutes, two women walk towards us. Daring us to ask for help. We accept.

Me: We need to get measured for bras.

Katie: Do you have the FIT SPECIALIST?

Woman 1: That’s me. {glances around as though another fit specialist might jump out and say LIAR.}

She grabs a tape measure and my sister and starts measure her armpits.

K: Um, okay right here in the aisle.

Fit Specialist yells: YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A BRA.

Me {cheerily}: Well, wait until you measure me!

FS to K: YOU’RE A 36. WAIT, YOU ARE SMALLER IN THE BREASTS. Let me remeasure. {tape back in armpit} You’re a 35. BUT WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 35 BRAS. HA! Let’s say 36A. Or hmmm.. 38… wait, 36… 38… Let me think. You COULD do a 38A but WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 38A. HA! {awkward pause} What size you wear now?

K: 34B

FS: Do your bras fit?

K: Yes?

FS: Get that. 34B. Sounds good.

{moves towards me}

FS: You don’t even HAVE BOOBS.

Me: Well if you know how I can grow more, let me know.

She measures as I prepare to be sent to the training bras.

FS: You’re a 32B. What size you wear?

Me: 34A

FS: But NOBODY makes A cups.

Me: Yes, they ARE hard to find…

As she walks away, she calls out: Y’all are just toothpicks with teeth.

Proof that my sister coming out of the fitting with a smaller cup size than me is INSANE

We wander around the grandma bras looking for the exact same size we are already wearing.

I find the bra that can be worn 62 WAYS.

I almost bought this for the CHALLENGE. Especially when the website only lists 17, and I can think of 87 ways to WOW. And at least one includes a small dog, the bra and rainbows.

And I grabbed another 52 bras because it turns out our fit specialist was more special than specialist.

Three thousand nude bras for the old married lady.

As I put my own crappy bra back on, our FIT SPECIALIST bursts into the fitting room and asks: ARE Y’ALL MAKING A MESS FOR ME? WE’RE CLOSING.

Me: I’m trying to put all the bras back on the hanger.

FS: JUST GIVE THEM TO ME. Did you find one you liked? {is she worried about being recorded?}

Me: Yes. But I don’t remember which one.

The FIT SPECIALIST is not pleased with my indecision so I grab the Ego Boost bra. Because my ego is fragile as heck. So why not build it up with cleavage?

See, it's already working.

As I check out, my fit specialist says: You have to pay full price for the bra.

So FYI: the little-boob discount isn’t good anymore.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

47 thoughts to “My Boobs Have Feelings Too”

  1. I just adore your blog, and I really needed a funny break and well as usual I come to your blog my happy place! Thanks for never letting me down! LOL Great pics LOL! Sisters are fun!

  2. I feel your pain. Having been a 13 year old DD, I’ve been going through this fit specialist routine my whole life. My personal favorite was at a little shop called the Corset Bar (I’m not making that up) where the median age of the staff was about 400.

  3. Sigh…..why to I connect so well with this post? I’ll be bra shopping soon. Not for me ( although the fact that my man-boobs got bigger than the ex’s was a contributing factor), the daughter has been lingering in the bra section.

  4. I think I have made a FIT SPECIALIST cry before. I want a certain style bra and guess what? That is exactly the style she told me I couldn’t wear. BOOOO!

    Love the story but I think I will avoid JCP on my next bra fitting.

  5. You just brought up bad memories of the first time I went bra shopping after I weaned my daughter. I, too had to get measured. And I went down two cup sizes. I sat in the dressing room and cried. The woman at Victoria Secret took pity on me, and tried to find styles that would fit me if they were only one cup size smaller than my previous size. I tried on so many bras my head was spinning. Why they hell do they have so many styles, anyway?

    You did make me laugh, though. So thank you! 😉 And I do love my new bras. They hold the old girls up and make them presentable!

  6. I got that wide back and those smaller boobs going on, makes for quite the fun bra shopping experience. The guy at the GAP was more helpful to me than you “fit specialist”

    Damn

  7. LOL! I was on the same search a mere two days ago and I will never, ever shop anywhere but Nordstrom’s again for a bra. They are the nicest there- no judging, lots of options, an actual fit specialist and they have the best bra ever- the spanx bra-llelujah.

  8. I wear an “A” cup too. Used to wear a “B” cup before nursing 3 kids for a year each — THAT’S a lovely side effect to nursing that nobody told me about. Anyway, Target has plenty of 34A bras, so that’s where I go these days.

  9. Oh, the bra memories… I have the opposite problem. After I had my first, I went to the special store with nursing bras and was told, we don’t carry anything big enough. Gulp. Leaky and braless? Add hormones and you have tears and pleas with God. I hate bras.

  10. That is too funny! I’ve been planning on going for a bra fitting somewhere… Now I’m scared to…. hahahaha At least it would make for a great story!

  11. I have never resented being nearly flat small until recently. My shaka-zulus went from small but A boobs to little almost-deflated ballons, and most A cups are too big. WTF. I was watching Tyra one day (don’t ask), and they had a bra lady on there. I did the measurements the way she said to and I was a 29. WTF. The last time I went bra shopping I cried in the dressing room. The best thing i have found so far is the little stickers that cover your nips because I can’t go totally braless anymore, but those are getting a little pricey.

  12. I have a sneaking suspicion we live in the same city… you could try Dillard’s next time (the one in the S.P. mall… if that makes no sense, then maybe I’m off on the same-city thing). My post-having-twins boobs were a force to reckoned with, and the ladies there were super professional and helpful.

    Love reading your blog… thanks for posting about your adventures as a non-perfect mom… it’s always good to know there’s more than one of us!

  13. Oh this is comedy. I got fitted after breastfeeding a year and my boobs shrunk. My sister-in-law’s boobs were bigger (but the joke is on her because that was BEFORE she had a kid and was breastfeeding). Enjoy your knockers, those without kids, while they last! Now I don’t just need a push-up, but a hoist ’em up and push ’em together and stretch mark removal bra. AND! I have a girlfriend back in C-town that has to order her bras – nearly an A. So suck it bra fitter! They DO make bras for everyone! Hold that head up high girl!

  14. oh. my. god. I’d totally write to JC Penny corporate (notice my current status). I’ve been fitted at Nordstrom and been very pleased every time.

  15. Giggle! I once knew a fit specialist who worked at Macy’s. She would “fit” by going at ’em with her thumb and first finger forked for the measure. Freaked them out, but she was quite accurate. (Not that I would know).

  16. I used to have problems finding bras that fit- then I got two pounds of boob taken off my chest and now I fit perfectly. I’d recommend it. The drugs weren’t bad either.

  17. Let’s hope Oprah is one of your faithful readers. Maybe she can point you in the direction of a true fit specialist. I hear she sings she loves a good bra so much!

  18. Am dying over here.

    This was so freaking funny.

    And. Me too. ME TOO. ME TWO. TOO SMALL.

    true confession: I own only one bra that “works” for me. It was free from @kristenhowerton (long story) and is a spanx bra. I’m all about spanx bras now and I highly recommend forking over the dough for one. It may be gross that I wear it 700 times before washing it, but whatevs, this bra is my only option. And when it’s in the wash, I wear maternity bras even though I haven’t been pregnant or nursing for over two years.

    heh.

  19. You are too funny. Hate bra shopping. HATE HATE HATE. There is no good bra out there to reshape and lift what is now morphed and sunken. Oh and I love how Vicki’s Secret is all like…well a 34B is the same as a 36A is the same as a…. just give me a size and give me a bra and make it work…GEEZ!

  20. Funny!! Love this post. I should write a post about the extreme opposite experience in bra land. Where an antirely new alphabet is revealed in order to hold everything in.

    I like the go bra though – did you contact Kelly Lebrock?

  21. Can I just say, I’m glad I’m not the only tiny boobed woman out there! I love my 32-B’s, if and when I can find them. In my tiny town, they are even harder to find than A’s.

    Bra’s totally blow, by the way.

  22. Fit specialist my a$$! I actually went and had a real bra fitting when I was in NY at a place called Intimacy (they have them other places too). They don’t even measure you. Of course some absolute stranger demands you get topless and she looks at you to see what size you are, but I have never been happier or had bras that fit better!

  23. Oh, girl, I hear ya! Can be totally nightmarish. Hafta be honest though, as a bit of an itty bitty pre-kids, this kinda scares me a little… But must agree with other suggestions on Nordstrom and Neiman’s, both have been (for this girl) as pleasant as these things can be.

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  25. I hate bras. I think we should just burn them. I’m like Heather of the EO–right now, I have one, maybe two that work. I bought a second, same size as the first, from Victoria’s Secret (HATE their commercials but I do think their products are good, and I like how they make me feel special about my underthings), and it’s too damn tight. So now I need to lose weight to make that $40 worth it.

  26. I’m not certain whether to sigh in sympathy or stare in…let’s say bemusement. That’s not a word you hear outside of romance novels too often.

    I’m currently sporting a 38G althought those are partically impossible to find so I usually end up wearing a 42DDDD which doesn’t actually fit that well but at least it’s not the parachute 38I that I bought at Nordstroms after my milk came in with Joseph. (For the low, low price of $90!) On the plus side, I sit and hope and pray to the mamo-goddesses that I’ll get down to a DD. I don’t even try to make them laugh with hopes of a pre-baby D.

    Why do I think we’ve talked about this before?

    As a woman who abhors bra shopping as much as she needs a good bra, go to Nordstroms for your next fitting. They’re amazing. Oprah said so.

  27. Well my plan for next weekend was to go to JCPenny to get measured and some new bras, but now I’m scared…but I still need bras….yikes!

  28. What a hilarious post! I love the way you write. I also love the fact that I’m not alone in my quest for one bra that fits. I came across your blog while searching online for an answer to “Why doesn’t Victoria’s Secret make a 38A bra?” Because that’s what the fitting specialist told me, after helping me try on EVERY single style of bra in their Union Station store. Turns out having more back than front makes me a bit of a freak, according to bra manufacturers. So even if my ego has been through the ringer today, I’m really glad I discovered your blog.

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