My sister, Katie (usually known on this blog as Aunt K, the Toddler Whisperer), is visiting and one of our many many important discussions turns to bras. And how much ours suck.
Me: We should get measured and go bra shopping tonight.
Katie: I’ve never been measured before. But my favorite strapless bra is from JCPenney
Me: Well I have two Victoria’s Secret bras I bought AFTER my first fitting. Both the same size. One slides up over my boobs and tries to escape via my neck and the other cuts off all circulation to my lower body. Plus I love JC. Let’s go.
We walk into their bra department and mull around the checkout counter in the hopes that the FIT SPECIALIST they advertised with the many certificates-shaped frames hanging around the sign will see how much our boobs need help.
After a few minutes, two women walk towards us. Daring us to ask for help. We accept.
Me: We need to get measured for bras.
Katie: Do you have the FIT SPECIALIST?
Woman 1: That’s me. {glances around as though another fit specialist might jump out and say LIAR.}
She grabs a tape measure and my sister and starts measure her armpits.
K: Um, okay right here in the aisle.
Fit Specialist yells: YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A BRA.
Me {cheerily}: Well, wait until you measure me!
FS to K: YOU’RE A 36. WAIT, YOU ARE SMALLER IN THE BREASTS. Let me remeasure. {tape back in armpit} You’re a 35. BUT WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 35 BRAS. HA! Let’s say 36A. Or hmmm.. 38… wait, 36… 38… Let me think. You COULD do a 38A but WE DON’T EVEN MAKE 38A. HA! {awkward pause} What size you wear now?
K: 34B
FS: Do your bras fit?
K: Yes?
FS: Get that. 34B. Sounds good.
{moves towards me}
FS: You don’t even HAVE BOOBS.
Me: Well if you know how I can grow more, let me know.
She measures as I prepare to be sent to the training bras.
FS: You’re a 32B. What size you wear?
Me: 34A
FS: But NOBODY makes A cups.
Me: Yes, they ARE hard to find…
As she walks away, she calls out: Y’all are just toothpicks with teeth.
Proof that my sister coming out of the fitting with a smaller cup size than me is INSANE
We wander around the grandma bras looking for the exact same size we are already wearing.
I find the bra that can be worn 62 WAYS.
I almost bought this for the CHALLENGE. Especially when the website only lists 17, and I can think of 87 ways to WOW. And at least one includes a small dog, the bra and rainbows.
And I grabbed another 52 bras because it turns out our fit specialist was more special than specialist.
Three thousand nude bras for the old married lady.
As I put my own crappy bra back on, our FIT SPECIALIST bursts into the fitting room and asks: ARE Y’ALL MAKING A MESS FOR ME? WE’RE CLOSING.
Me: I’m trying to put all the bras back on the hanger.
FS: JUST GIVE THEM TO ME. Did you find one you liked? {is she worried about being recorded?}
Me: Yes. But I don’t remember which one.
The FIT SPECIALIST is not pleased with my indecision so I grab the Ego Boost
See, it's already working.
As I check out, my fit specialist says: You have to pay full price for the bra.
So FYI: the little-boob discount isn’t good anymore.
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Oh this is comedy. I got fitted after breastfeeding a year and my boobs shrunk. My sister-in-law’s boobs were bigger (but the joke is on her because that was BEFORE she had a kid and was breastfeeding). Enjoy your knockers, those without kids, while they last! Now I don’t just need a push-up, but a hoist ‘em up and push ‘em together and stretch mark removal bra. AND! I have a girlfriend back in C-town that has to order her bras – nearly an A. So suck it bra fitter! They DO make bras for everyone! Hold that head up high girl!
I went UP a cup-size with each child, and still have no idea what to do with these things. Heh.
I have a sneaking suspicion we live in the same city… you could try Dillard’s next time (the one in the S.P. mall… if that makes no sense, then maybe I’m off on the same-city thing). My post-having-twins boobs were a force to reckoned with, and the ladies there were super professional and helpful.
Love reading your blog… thanks for posting about your adventures as a non-perfect mom… it’s always good to know there’s more than one of us!
I have never resented being nearly flat small until recently. My shaka-zulus went from small but A boobs to little almost-deflated ballons, and most A cups are too big. WTF. I was watching Tyra one day (don’t ask), and they had a bra lady on there. I did the measurements the way she said to and I was a 29. WTF. The last time I went bra shopping I cried in the dressing room. The best thing i have found so far is the little stickers that cover your nips because I can’t go totally braless anymore, but those are getting a little pricey.
That is too funny! I’ve been planning on going for a bra fitting somewhere… Now I’m scared to…. hahahaha At least it would make for a great story!
Oh, the bra memories… I have the opposite problem. After I had my first, I went to the special store with nursing bras and was told, we don’t carry anything big enough. Gulp. Leaky and braless? Add hormones and you have tears and pleas with God. I hate bras.
I do my own fittings because, really, what kind of training do these girls have? A book? A pamphlet? A postcard?
With your sis: fun adventure. Alone: tear-inducing self-hate-fest. Trust me.
I wear an “A” cup too. Used to wear a “B” cup before nursing 3 kids for a year each — THAT’S a lovely side effect to nursing that nobody told me about. Anyway, Target has plenty of 34A bras, so that’s where I go these days.
LOL! I was on the same search a mere two days ago and I will never, ever shop anywhere but Nordstrom’s again for a bra. They are the nicest there- no judging, lots of options, an actual fit specialist and they have the best bra ever- the spanx bra-llelujah.
LMAO! Loved that last picture.
BTW-you need to go to Nieman Marcus and get fitted there. Worth the pricey bras.
I’m loving the bra as a hat look!!!
The whole fit specialist thing is a lie.
I got that wide back and those smaller boobs going on, makes for quite the fun bra shopping experience. The guy at the GAP was more helpful to me than you “fit specialist”
Damn
You just brought up bad memories of the first time I went bra shopping after I weaned my daughter. I, too had to get measured. And I went down two cup sizes. I sat in the dressing room and cried. The woman at Victoria Secret took pity on me, and tried to find styles that would fit me if they were only one cup size smaller than my previous size. I tried on so many bras my head was spinning. Why they hell do they have so many styles, anyway?
You did make me laugh, though. So thank you! ;) And I do love my new bras. They hold the old girls up and make them presentable!
I think I have made a FIT SPECIALIST cry before. I want a certain style bra and guess what? That is exactly the style she told me I couldn’t wear. BOOOO!
Love the story but I think I will avoid JCP on my next bra fitting.
Sigh…..why to I connect so well with this post? I’ll be bra shopping soon. Not for me ( although the fact that my man-boobs got bigger than the ex’s was a contributing factor), the daughter has been lingering in the bra section.
I feel your pain. Having been a 13 year old DD, I’ve been going through this fit specialist routine my whole life. My personal favorite was at a little shop called the Corset Bar (I’m not making that up) where the median age of the staff was about 400.
Repeat after me, with arm movements: “We must/we must/we must increase our bust…”
I’m pretty sure the Fit Specialist quit after your visit.
Why?
I have a fancy fitted super deluxe bra. It sucks too. Nature of the beast I think.
I just adore your blog, and I really needed a funny break and well as usual I come to your blog my happy place! Thanks for never letting me down! LOL Great pics LOL! Sisters are fun!
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