I can’t write about my eating disorder. I thought I could. I have been in recovery since 2001. I eat pizza and cake and three meals a day plus snacks. I don’t hate how I look. I don’t wish I was thinner. I like my weight and have stayed within five pound for the past nine years except during my pregnancies and postpartum periods. And I only know my weight because I go for yearly physicals.
I wanted to write about my struggle and triumph over anorexia. Because I think that the worst part of an eating disorder is the isolation. Me and my head and my food and my WILL. Falling asleep in the middle of the day because I don’t have enough calories to stay awake. Counting ribs to calm my anxiety. My pseudo-recovery back then consisted of hiding in stalls on other floors of my college dormitory until the bathroom was empty so I could vomit. The string of therapists and medications and diagnoses. The inpatient treatment facility that kept extending my stay.
I wanted to write about crying during my first yoga class in treatment because connecting my mind and body in a way I had denied for five years was overwhelming. So was giving away my “skinny” clothes a year after finding recovery. I spent days and hours praying to a God I did not understand to help me to eat and love my body until I did. And I have spent my days since then reaching out to others at different points of their recovery to give and get support.
I wanted to write about my immense disappointment in the recovery field for not giving a solid community to the eating disordered. That those who are still active in their disease have more forums to discuss staying sick than those who are well. But I also remember that the only reason I could stay at my treatment facility beyond 30 days was because a lone insurance operator took pity on my story and added my treatment center to their network. Because otherwise the insurance company had not a single inpatient facility covered. That most doctors weigh us and hug us but don’t really know how to help us.
I wanted to write about how disheartened I am by the media’s portrayal of eating disorders as a symptom of a magazine instead of as a disease. My desire for bigger breasts may be a symptom of what sells. My desire to not eat for years until I was so underweight people thought I had cancer. That is not from the magazines. Crossing that line did not make me pretty or trendy. And who saw me? I hardly left my house.
Because when I was in the throes of my disorder, all I wanted was to not feel. To not deal. I hated how much life hurt. And I was looking to stop it. To control it. So I chose my body for my “it.” And I tortured it forgetting that it was my body. I was hurting myself to hurt myself to hurt myself. And sometimes to hurt you. To show you how hard it was to live in all this crazy in my head.
I wanted to write about how I believe that it is easier to blame society for eating disorders than it is to help the eating disordered. We are so frustrating and stubborn and crazy. And while I currently don’t buy the magazines stuffed with stories about how I am not good enough, I could have never made the choice had I not begun eating and living and feeling again.
I believe in changing our society’s warped view of women and of bodies and of health. But I don’t believe that will save a single woman already in the grips of an eating disorder. I pray that the pediatricians and internists and psychiatrists can do that. I pray that the few treatment centers and support groups available can do that. I pray that my story can do that.
Because today I am beautiful and whole. I love the shake of my butt when I dance. I love that my nails grow and my periods are regular. And I love that I rarely sucked in during a photo. Because I can even love the curve of my belly.
I know, deep down in my soul, that the thinner I crave is not even the thinner I see. It is deep and dark. My thinner is about disappearing.
And I want to take up space today. I have things to say and do and feel and write.
I have people to love. I can’t do that if I’m not here.
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Oh, Alex, it takes bravery to be this naked. I think it’s easy to see the effects of eating disorders and write off the causes, make believe it’s about the food. Your writing here exposes that lie so well.
Your strength also resounds through the whole piece. Bravo.
And I wish I could give you a hug.
Getting a comment right after I posted it helped me to feel braver. So thank you. And I will take the cyber-hug.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
I loved it, and you are beautiful for writing it.
Thank you. You are so very sweet.
I just want to first stand up and clap for you. I can’t begin to tell you how brave you are to write your story down for the world to see. I agree with you there is not much out there for people in recovery. Seems like every other disease has support groups and what not. But I feel that the world just looks down on eating disorders. But the fact is every woman has a small form of eating disorder. We all struggle to keep that balance of loving ourselves and not trying to compare our body to another woman’s body. I never dealt with eating disorder. But I have at one point or another wished I was smaller or could fit in that small dress. Now I try to remind myself that my body is special and one of a kind. And to love it and shake and dance and be proud I am a full figure woman! For God created this body and he was glad and rejoiced so why shouldn’t I!
Thank you. I think that so many people suffer from body image and disordered eating habits. I am glad that you remember that God gave you that beautiful dancing loving body! SHAKE YOUR BOOTY! (seriously, right now… you should)
“my thinner is about disappearing” – spot on!
Thanks. I am glad that I was given the right words. Because I kept getting in my own way on this one.
Good for you! It’s such a hard issue to talk about–to admit–and yet so many women have struggled. In college, the girls’ bathrooms were more vomitoriums than anything involving showers or pee. It was just accepted.
I’m sure this was a bitch too write. I haven’t owned a scale for years and years, and when I went to the gyno last week, I saw that scale and just had this visceral, gut-wrenching reaction. In little ways, it’s always with you.
When I was pregnant the first time, I turned my back to the scale like I had to do in treatment. I felt like the number made me enjoy my pregnancy less and less. And I told my midwife to just let me know if I was gaining too much or not enough.
It is so overlooked. And misunderstood. I’m glad I wrote this but I hope to not have anymore gut-wrenchers for awhile.
Beautiful post Al!!
Thanks Katie. For so much. Thank you.
Wow, this was powerful, Alex. You are so strong. And such an amazing woman. I have no words. Just virtual hugs.
Thanks Shannon. I am strong because of the hugs. And support. Now and back then. So thank you for being apart of that this week
Oh, Alex. I can’t even imagine how hard this was to write. I had an entirely different form of self punishment and I still can’t even talk to people about it let alone write it down.
You are very brave. And I’m so glad you got well…and I’m very grateful to that insurance carrier. Normally I loathe them with a passion so that’s saying a lot for me.
I normally loathe insurance carriers too. This was such a miracle. Seriously.
And I never thought I’d write about this until I was asked to be a part of the calendar. And even then I debated whether to write about body image or get into my own experiences. (hence the EIGHT DRAFTS) Maybe someday it will be time to write about yours. Or maybe not. I seemed to enjoy self-punishment a lot so who knows? we may have more in common than just BEING AWESOME!
Good job writing this. Must have been hard.
You know a lot of what I believe already, but I’ll say it again. It takes a courageous soul to have opted for a life plan that choose something like an eating disorder and all that goes with it. You are here to learn and teach great things in this world Alex. Keep it up.
This line: “You are here to learn and teach great things in this world Alex” Really carried me through the day on Monday as I knew more and more people were reading this. Thank you Susie.
You are welcome. I meant it. hugs!
“My thinner is about disappearing” Oh, Alex. I can so relate.
This post is so important. I can only imagine how hard it was.
Thank you. I’m so glad to not be alone. And yes, it was difficult. I think that I will always remember exactly where I was when I wrote it and knew that I would post it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your courage is evident. Although I don’t struggle with the same eating disorder, I struggle with an eating disorder. It’s a great reminder to know others struggle as well, that we aren’t in the dark.
Thank you!
You are welcome. And thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. It’s amazing how the same root can manifest it’s self in so many different ways. I hope that you find recovery when you are ready. If you want to email me for more details on what I’ve done, please do.
This is amazing. You are such an inspiration. x
Thank you Kalisa. That means so much.
Thank you, Alex.
I’m in awe of your willingness and courage.
Scared, too, of what I have not yet written about myself. You inspire me.
Love. Much, much love.
You inspire me too. Your courage. My courage. We are rocking the free world right here :D
Much love right back my friend
Can I just say thank you for this? I’ve been struggling to write my own Body Blogger post, for weeks now. I’m really struggling to be that honest about body image. I might just sit down and write some day, and whatever comes out, is what I will send.
I finally had to give in. And just accept what I was supposed to say. And what an amazing community is out here. For you too.
I can’t wait to read your post.
I love your guts. Your continual willingness to be open and share things that most of us don’t like to think about at all let alone revisit, is absolutely amazing. I hope someday I can be as brave as you and be of service the way I see you operating. You’re amazing.
Love Me
Thank you for saying that you see me as being of service. I’m so grateful that my blog can help others. And you my friend ARE brave. Bravery takes many forms. Yours is there. I see and hear of it all the time.
This is quite an amazing piece of writing, Alex. Thank you for being brave enough to share it. Thank you for such honest and true insights. (And you should seriously publish this further.)
Thank you for saying that. I would love to put it out there more but I’m unsure where to go with it. But I am glad that the honesty shows through.
Alex, you put into words what I cannot. That’s what great writers do. Thanks so much for your honesty and your courage.
Well, calling me a great writer just about made my week. Thank you for being amazing and inspiring in my life.
Alex – this was so moving, so beautifully, honestly written. Thank you for sharing this.
I can relate on a few levels… but don’t want to write you a novel :)
You’re doing such an incredible thing, giving a voice to this important topic.
Hugs to you, you brave lady.
Thank you for the hugs and unbelievably kind words. And if you ever want to talk further, please feel free to email or call.
You take up space in my heart. Off to retweet this, because it is important.
Thank you. For your support in many many ways.
wow, you are so so brave. Thank you for sharing.
thank you for reading & commenting. it makes being brave easier
Beautiful and brave, you are. And I admire your courage very much.
thank you friend. courage is easier with your amazing support!
SUCH a great post, so honest and true. Taking up space is a good thing ;)
taking up space is lovely. and thank you so much for doing it with me!
I’ll admit that anorexia is something I’ve never really understood. I know it is a psychological condition. A disease. I know a lot of it is about control. But I’ll admit to being one of those that really thought it was about image. I never really understood it was about self-loathing (not to put words in your mouth).
I have dealt with forms of anxiety and depression on and off and I remember my husband telling me, “If you know you are depressed, why don’t you just be happy?” It takes a lot to understand that it’s not just a choice to pick up a donut and eat.
If you’re goal is to share and educate, you’ve helped me to understand. And I so admire everything you are doing today to keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically. (P.S. I’m also a big fan of yoga).
I am really glad that you read this with an open heart. It’s amazing how much more we have in common with each other when we do. Because it is a HUGE gift to hear that this helped you to understand more.
And I remember being yelled at: JUST EAT. And I started crying and whimpered: I would if I could.
While I believe that we can CONTRIBUTE to our disease by not seeking help. I don’t think that we can just decide not to have them. (which is too bad because I would’ve opted out month two of my ED)
I takes so much courage and determination to write of our inner demons. To come out is to say “I promise to always know this about myself.”
It is an acknowledgement and a risk, it says we’re not perfect, will you still love me?
I struggle with very hard, very difficult depression. I’d love to blog about it, but I fear that turning that on willl unleash and wake up even more, the monster that is there every day…
This is wonderful, I know you will help someone, who will find this, either through your blog, or tweeting to it, but It will help someone. And that is why we blog, isn’t it???
I had to wait a long time to feel like I could put this out into the public sphere. My friends and family had to know and be comfortable enough — maybe be far away enough from it. But to write it without going back into it? to touch it without waking it up? that is the struggle.
I often feel like I have to be in the solution before I can talk about the problem here. But maybe that’s not true. I know that offering hope is important to me.
And who knows, you may decide one day that you are ready. Or you may never writing about it on your blog. Either way is perfect.
This is amazing. The part I can most relate to is the part about existing and taking up space; to not just disappear into nothing, but to be big and bold and beautiful and to love all of those things. And to love others, and to not let ED take away the person who others love back.
Thank you for you comment. I loved this line: And to love others, and to not let ED take away the person who others love back.
Because that is so much of what our EDs take from us. That connection to friends, family. To life.
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