This is an update to the post: God, What If I Can’t Handle It?
We’ve been to the feelings doctor three times now. I have no idea what is or is not being accomplished. I’m impatient and oversensitive so I’m disappointed we aren’t FIXED.
However,
the night episodes seem to be waning.
more parents go through this than we thought.
his episodes are lasting less than fifteen minutes.
When I spoke to the therapist about last weekend, she told me that we are doing everything right. That we show amazing patience and consistency. I am relieved because often I feel like a catalyst for his behavior.
My husband texted me a quote from a book he’s reading:
First of all accept that at this age a child’s biggest emotional struggle is with his mother. She is the one he needs to conquer… recognizing this fact you will if at all possible enlist the services of a good babysitter for as much of the time as possible. – Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy
We are at an extreme end of this, but we are still in the running. And while the quote helps, my husband taking the time to text it to me means even more. It is another example of him not blaming me. That it is our struggle to bear. Together.
Because I worry that I am to blame. I’m emotional by nature. I’ve written about overcoming my anger. I feel like I’ve given him the CRAZY GENE. Maybe I’ve even been a model for the moodiness.
(I can’t type that last sentence without wanting to cry for a week. Because I try SO HARD. But I’m still me. Everyday.)
And I am also extraordinarily disappointed that the therapist is satisfied with our parenting. I want more to do. A magic formula of words and actions to bring him back when he goes away. I’d almost RATHER be blamed. Because I believe that I can change. But I know that I cannot change anyone else. Even my dear sweet son.
Powerlessness hurts.
So we will make more appointments. We will continue to give more hugs and words to his struggle.
And our own.
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One of the best pieces of advice came from my therapist. (I’m Californian. Of COURSE I have a therapist.) She told me that no matter what I do, my kids will end up in therapy one day. My job is to make sure it’s for the little “my mom drives me crazy” stuff and not the big “my mom locked me in a closet” stuff.
You’re doing everything in your power to help your little guy. You’re doing a great job and I’m sure, POSITIVE that it’ll all work out.
HAHA!! I loved the Cali comment. I KNEW I should move!
And I really like what your therapist shared. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.
We ALL worry that we’re to blame. Every single parent whose kid is different in any way, we all worry about that. And we’re all impatient, and we all hope and pray for the simple solution.
Most of all, powerlessness is a bitch. I have learned, a little bit, to live with it, to focus on the here and now and let the rest fall away. Not in the beginning, though. It took practice, and very few kids are as ill as Carter, so there’s lots of hope that your road won’t be so steep.
Hang on. The beginning really is the hardest part, the most uncertain part.
Thank you. I know the key is to live WITH the powerlessness instead of fight against it. And I take solace in the beginning being the hardest part. Because for whatever uncertainty I feel, I know that we will get through it.
I think it’s natural that we need to find something or someone to blame for something that has no immediate solution, and we gravitate towards pointing the finger at ourselves because we are our own worst critics. Yet, I urge you to please be gentle with yourself. The fact that the doctors say you’re doing all the right things show that you are indeed doing the best you can. And it will all fall into place eventually. Again, I’m sorry for what you and your son are going through and wish I had more to offer. For now, please know that you’re all in my thoughts. And I’m sending big hugs your way!
Thank you. Your thoughts and kind words are enough.
Blame is a funny need we have though… I’ve never thought about how inherit that is.
Alex, I completely get the powerlessness thing. I worry about what kind of parent I will be and my baby isn’t even born yet. Am at the halfway point but even though baby isn’t here yet, doesn’t mean I don’t worry about what kind of parent I will be, what will I pass on to my child being as a Native American, chances are high for alcoholism, diabetes, and a multitude of other things. As far as passing on crazy, well, that might happen too as mental health issues have plagued both me and my brother. The thing is, i realize that not only do I pass on the best of me but also the downsides, too. Because I am made up of so many facets, not all of them particularly pretty…some outstanding, some make me want to burn my head in the sand. But, what I do know is that I can be accepting of whatever I pass on and do what I need to do to deal with issues that come up. Which it sounds like you are doing, you aren’t hiding your head or pretending that this isn’t happening with your son and that makes you a fantastic parent.
And you aren’t sloughing off blame on your hubby, your family or whatever…you look at your part and what you can do. Once again, fabulous parenting. So, go easy on yourself and remember, just do the best you can in each moment of each day and if you do that, then you are a screaming success of a Mom. Hugs!
thank you so much for your uplifting comment. sometimes i forget all the good things that im doing as we walk through this.
and you will be a fantastic parent. just remember that it’s as awesome as it is tough. and the best thing I ever did was learn to ask for help.
Having been Dad to five kids….parenting is like swimming in a raging river. Set your goal and strive for it all the while trying not to drown while fighting the current. Remembering that you didn’t make the river, God did. Make sure you’re focused and centered and do not beat yourself up. Are you any help to your child out there in the river if you drown (stress out?)? No. On airplanes, ever notice that they tell you to put on your oxygen mask BEFORE you place them on a child. Same logic. Think about that.
Lastly, trips to the feelings doctor are good but avoid medications at all cost. Many kids are labeled ADHD or ODD when they are just being kids (ESPECIALLY BOYS).
You are totally right. I need to remember to take care of myself.
We actually have an awesome set of doctors and no one is interested in labeling our son at all. Or medicating. (although I support parents who have children who actually need medication because it does happen)
I know exactly what you mean about feeling powerless. I struggle with that every single day (infertility).
{hugs}
I hope you find your answer soon. And be PROUD of the fact that you are doing a great job parenting.
oh sweetie, i have friends who deal with infertility and it is certainly a type of powerlessness that is just heart-heavy. {hugs} right back.
And thank you for reminding me to be proud of my parenting.
I struggle with my own powerlessness every day too. My husband and I have chosen not to have children, for many reasons. he has three of his own already, we are both mid-30s…but all of those are excuses for the real reason. Having a child could be very dangerous for me, and there is also a very real possibility of passing along my genetic condition. I live in pain every single moment of my life (another helplessness with which I struggle) and the thought of watching a child of mine go through that, knowing what every pain feels like, intimately…
Well, I have had so many people tell me how strong I am over the years, how well I cope. But I think having to watch my child suffer, with the knowledge I have…that would be beyond my strength.
But still, even with all of those perfectly valid reasons, I still feel betrayed when my period arrives each month, highlighting the fact that I am most emphatically NOT pregnant. Which is exactly what I want. But still. And it makes me feel so helpless.
So I cannot imagine what it must be like for someone who is actively TRYING to have a child. That sense of your body betraying you must be so much worse.
I don’t really have anything constructive to add. Just *hugs* to anyone struggling with infertility, or with parenting, or with anything else that gives us that feeling of helplessness, of not being in control. We’ve all been there. We’ll all BE there. We all understand.
TeDious, thank you so much for your reply. I can’t image what you are going through, it must be so hard to want a child so badly, but to know deep down that it isn’t a wise decision. Yes, it is a million times harder watching your child in pain, than being in pain yourself. {hugs} to you for making this hard decision.
I read this in bed this morning. And it made me happy for you.
thanks. im glad we are moving forward. but im jealous that you were reading in bed.
You know, I go through this exact same thing (albeit on a MUCH smaller scale, given that I’m not working with my own children) in my job as a teacher. I get anxious about whether I’m “doing it right” and whether I’m role modeling all the “right stuff”. Someone reminded me (at the end of one summer when I was freaking out yet again about whether I’m really capable of doing my job or not) that kids have their own Higher Power and that they’re entitled to develop their own experience, strength and hope, just as we did. I’ve been doing some reading this summer and the conclusion that I’ve come to is that, as parents and teachers, we don’t help kids by avoiding problems and emotions. We help them by teaching them how to problem-solve and how to cope with strong emotions. In other words, we accept that the problems and the strong emotions exist and we learn, together with our children, how to live, one day at a time. Rest assured that you’re right where you need to be.
I really like the idea that teaching children how to cope and problem-solve is the key to a good health life.
Thank you. (although you KNOW how I feel about being right where I need to be {tongue out} pffttttttt — hahaha!!)
Being a parent is tough…especially when you think there is something that needs to be fixed and should be fixed. You are doing it right!
Thank you. It IS tough. But it’s nice to hear from a good mama that i’m being a good mama too.
Alex,
A LOT comes out in the wash. Or … “Love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Do you feed him, clothe him, hug him, listen to him, root for him, laugh with him? Then you’re doing great.
It’s really hard to parent. (I hope this is not too psychy for you).
Hugs
You aren’t too psychy for me at all! I need to remember all the basics of parenting that I do. It’s like when I got mad at my husband and my friend said: Is he a good husband? A good father? A good provider?
And when I answered yes to all three, my annoyance was so much smaller.
And I answered yes to all your questions, making it easier to just parenting and get over the guilt stuff.
“Powerlessness hurts.”
Yep.
When my son went through his difficulties, we had to just sit and wait. Nothing more we could do. That, in itself, is the hell of parenting.
Here’s the real kicker. As they get older? Those ‘powerlessness’ episodes get longer and closer together. The goal of parenting is to raise kids who don’t need you; the downside is that, while they learn to do just that, you have to push them out of the nest with your fingers crossed an awful lot.
When I read this comment, I thought: she really earned the title of the Mother. Because made me feel less alone, much better, and validated when I believe is the goal of parenting too.
Thank you. {fingers-crossed}
I almost cried when you talked about passing the crazy gene on to your son. I have worried about that with my kids, too. When I see my 4-yr-old fly off the handle, I see myself. And it hurts. I empathize with what you’re feeling – but here’s what I know (intellectually, anyway): guilt and worry are useless and unproductive. Being conscious of your anger issues is really important, because it means you can actually do something about it. Of course, knowing and feeling are two very different things. I battle it daily.
From what you’ve said, I suspect that you are actually passing on the skills he’ll need to calm himself down and handle things with patience. When they’re this age, it’s really hard to see that because they just don’t have the emotional capability to calm themselves when they’re really upset. When they get older those lessons, those skills they see you model, will come back to them.
You guys are in our prayers. It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job.
Although I don’t want to make you cry, I really appreciate your candor. It’s exactly what you said. Intellectually, I can see and know what to do. But sometimes my heart hurts so much when I see myself in E.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. You are passing your skills along too! And maybe we have a little more compassion for the parents and husbands who deal with us ;)
Three was a tough and wonderful age. Full of I hate you and slammed doors. We thought that would happen with teenagers, not babies! And yet, she was also magically aware, into everything, fun to talk to. It does get better.
Alex, even if you gave E your moods, you are also being a model of how to handle them. Each time you step away to calm down you are teaching him. Each time you consciously choose peaceful hugs and words, you are teaching him. And these are valuable lessons.
Thank you for reminding me that I am a model of how to handle these feelings and moods. I forget that the way I am is GOOD. I just had to learn how to deal with my emotions properly. And that it’s not about changing E but teaching him how to deal with these feelings, too.
Alex, you are doing great. Teaching someone how to handle rage is a major (and essential) life lesson. We all, sooner or later, have to confront that beast.
My big girl is passionate, her feelings often expand to fill a room. And most of the time that isn’t a bad thing. I like thinking of our job as parents as guiding our kids toward their best selves, not changing them into who we would want them to be. Easier said then done.
“powerlessness hurts.”
yes, it does.
::headdesk::
I love you. And your comment. Thanks for GETTING it.
I don’t have much to tell you from the parenting angle, as I am not one- it sounds so horribly awful to have to deal with this. You will get through this- and we are always here to listen. :)
p.s. I think you guys sound like wonderful parents. (I’m aware that this must mean a lot, coming from a complete stranger’s opinion based on what she reads on your blog…)
It actually means a TON for you to think that we are good parents. I sometimes feel like I’m more honest on my blog than to people we run into IRL because they only see little glimpses of our life — so for you to see me as a good mama with all the crazy going on? Well, that just makes my day.
And thank you for listening!
I’m really impressed with you and your husband. I think it’s amazing that he’s reading those books, because men avoid them like the plague. I’m impressed that you are trying to parent consistently, because that is really freaking hard…especially when the kid/s are acting so out of control.
I have anger issues, too, and moody issues, and like you, I worry that I’m passing them on. ((you))
I thought about your last sentence all day Sunday. Because it made me feel so much less alone. Thank you. For the hugs and kind words. But especially for telling me that I have moody company. It really means so much.
Parenting is such a struggle. I wish there was a magic formula, as well, for you and for all parents. Because, even if everyone is not facing the same struggle as you, we are facing our own struggles with our children.
It’s funny that I often think I’M THE ONLY ONE. And it’s so not true. People are all struggling and as parents, well, my friend (who isn’t a parent) said: I think having kids is the hardest thing a person can do.
PS. If you find the magic formula, let me know. asap
You are being too hard on yourself! He’s at a tough age and you’re doing the best you can to get through it. (It also sounds like you have a great husband there.) I think we get so bombarded with books and data nowadays that we do think we can learn anything that pertains to parenting, but really, most of the time, we just have to go through it and do the best we can, follow our instincts. (Can I tell you, though, that the quote your husband read really upsets me? Is this what I’m in store for? My son is going to be working against me for the entire time he’s three?)
You’ll get through this.
Hopefully not for the entire time your little guy is three! (but no promises — just lots of bloggy hugs!)
And I agree that our instinct are our best guide to parenting. I often take what we are told or my husband reads (I never read parenting books), and check in with my own ideals and ideas and end up with an Alex-mish-mosh!
Thanks for you support!!
Even if you’ve given him the “crazy genes” you’ve probably passed on a little bit of your incredible way of expressing yourself. This was incredibly well written, lady.
He’ll get there.
As parents we always want to do more. Be more. Please be a little gentle on yourself. You guys are doing a wonderful job being his mom and his dad. No one else could do it better :)
Thank you. For your support and for you kind words on my writing. I need to focus more on being gentle and letting go of MORE. I like that concept of MORE way too much !
*hug*
Have you seriously considered going the babysitter way? I know I am the last person to talk, but it really would not make you a bad mother to give it a try – perhaps he will relax with a “neutral” minder, and you will also relax by having some time to yourself.
Hang on. Revel in the little improvements. Remember Margaret Atwood:
“Thank heaven for small mercies”
“But why must they be so small?”
We do have someone who comes once a week right now and my husband takes the kids one day too and it is helping.
And I LOVE that Margaret Atwood quote!
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