I Am Surrounded By Loons And They’re Starting To Gang Up On Me

My husband sends me an email with the title: can we get this for my birthday?

And I am PSYCHED. Because I have NO IDEA what to do for Scott’s birthday. And I’m kind of busy right now doing, you know, MY STUFF.

He’s turning the big 3-2. And he never WANTS anything. And not that fake I-dont-want-something-but-I-do. He’s just very chill about holidays and gifts. Whereas I’m like I WANT MINE EXACTLY LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW.

So here is this email. THE ANSWER.

And then I open it.

The first line is a link to A MOUNTAIN HOME. That he wants FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. A MOUNTAIN HOME. And under it, he writes: I could take the kids there for the weekend to give you time off to write.

WHAT?

So I call my sister. Who will understand this tom-foolery for what it is. Tom-foolery. I mean this isn’t even his 5-0 or something. And who asks for a HOUSE for his birthday except like Paris Hilton?

Me: Scott wants a mountain home
Aunt K: You should totally do it! You’d have fun!
Me: Owning two homes is ridiculous.
Aunt K: I knew you’d feel that way.
Me: WHAT?
Aunt K: I told Scott to mention the skiing nearby
Me: You KNEW? I think Scott should take the kids and RENT a cabin by himself WITHOUT GETTING SCARED before we BUY A HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
Aunt K: Why does he want a mountain home in the first place?
Me: Zombies.
Aunt K: What?
Me: To hide from zombies.
Aunt K: Won’t they come from the woods? Isn’t that like the first place they’ll be?
Me: No, they’ll be where the people are. The city will be way worse. All those people turning zombie.
Aunt K: Don’t zombies come from the grave?
Me: Well, maybe at first. Although there are more cemeteries here than in the country.
Aunt K: I know. I always figured the zombies got all the country people first because there were less of them and then they added them to their zombie army to take over the hundreds of thousands of city folk.
Me: Now that just doesn’t even make sense.

But the fact is I don’t know where those first zombies will come from. I just don’t.

I do know where the zombie army will find me. In my house. In my ONE HOUSE in the city-ish. Or at least near the house. Possibly living in a tree.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

30 thoughts to “I Am Surrounded By Loons And They’re Starting To Gang Up On Me”

  1. This was an excellent way to start my morning 🙂 Thank you! I haven’t thought about zombies in a while, but I’d want to hang out in the country as well. And I want a house in the mountains for my birthday….

    1. This morning my husband was finally like: We probably shouldn’t get the mountain house.
      Me: {blink blink}
      Scott: For five years or so.

      I just didn’t even respond.

  2. I was in Barnes and Noble on Monday and right smack in the front of the store was “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” and it made me think of you guys and laugh and smile and all that good stuff. If Zombies do ever attack you better believe I’ll be Googling you guys because you’d probably be our only chance of survival. You’re like my Zombie insurance plan – definitely more useful then flood insurance.

    I think you should rent him a cabin in the woods first and see how it goes. The park service rents cabins in VA parks or there is KOAs or real middle-of-nowhere cozy cabins.

  3. Ok, so now for his birthday, you buy a set of Lincoln Logs and glue together a log cabin. And give it to him in the yard where it is placed under a tree (the woods). He can take the kids there on the weekends to give you a break. And it cost like $10.

    Or to make it easier on yourself – just buy the set and give it to him. He can build his own log cabin since it is his dream, not yours.

    1. I kinda find the country creepy, but yes, we could TOTALLY do that. (I think he may test out his ability to parent two kids in a cabin when I’m at BlogHer but we’ll see)

  4. Brilliant! I already live in the woods, on a hill. Great for Zombie spotting. My husband is also obsessed with Zombies, although he thinks this should mean he’s allowed to have a gun. I vote no. I might agree to a wardrobe of Hazmat suits for the family though. ‘Cause you know, Zombies will most likely be caused by some sort of airborne pathogen. Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is, have you considered a Hazmat suit for his birthday? They have them on Amazon. Yes, I’ve looked.

    1. I voted no, too. So my husband told me that he would be putting it in the drywall the next time we had house work done. Which means with a crowbar and some elderly zombies, we should be perfectly able to retrieve the gun and live.

  5. Do you ever go out to eat and people near your table stop eating to listen in on your discussion? A bunch of us got together for a pre-gunshow buffet (gun show was be hosted in same casino). So naturally the topic of conversation went smoothly from guns to Zombies. Defensive preparations, offensive tactics, the usual stuff that comes up when Zombies are the topic de jur. Did I get that french part right? Anyway, they still want me to join and although I’ve guns and ammo stashed in the house, I’m still not sure. Check out this site for more information ….
    http://www.zombiehunters.org/

  6. So funny, I had to do a dramatic reading – a one woman show if you will – for my husband. But then I had to just let him read it, because it’s way funnier the way you wrote it than how I read it.

    Mountain home or not, I’d hone in on that “taking kids so you can write” part and find a way to make that work!

    1. seriously, i should’ve sold a kidney and bought the mountain home outright… because time to write really is worth that. I was very tempted by that line… maybe i can pull it off with encouraging him to rent a cabin.

      And I’m so happy you shared the post with your hubs, although I hope it doesn’t give him IDEAS.

  7. Zombies? Honestly?

    As if we moms don’t have enough real stuff to worry about.

    (BTW: I’ve been dodging the 400″ plasma screen for years. You can totally sting him on about the home.)

      1. That whole forgetful thing usually only works about job jars, honey dos and lawn care, not expensive appliances (or houses, for that matter).

        I point to the rapidly dwindling kids’ college funds and remind him that he does NOT want the kids to live with us forever. Its sorta their college and our freedom or the TV.

        Usually works. Although, with the price of plasma screens coming down…

  8. What a great way to end the day…laughing at your post!
    FYI, I really don’t think that there is ANY way to kill a zombie…
    (1) they are already dead and (2) they are already dead!
    Brunch101

    1. Technically they are “walking dead”, therefore you must make them more dead in the more traditional “never-moving-again-dead”.

  9. Zombies are for REALZ! I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s preparing for the zombie apocalypse someday. And you’re so right – they’re always in the city. More brains there. Reminds me, I should probably get out of mine soon. Yikes.

  10. This was an excellent first blog post to read, lol.

    I’ve always figured the zombies will come from Queens; Eventually things will drift on the air from the nuclear power plant on Long Island and landfill on Staten Island and meet in the middle and form just the right combination over the land of the dead. (Seriously, have you seen how many graveyards there are in Queens?) Fortunately though, traffic out of Queens is a bitch, so those of us in Brooklyn and NJ will have enough warning to escape.

    1. Wow. You are TOTALLY on to something. Have you called the proper authorities? Well, you did put your Queens theory on my blog and at least one person will be using my family as their zombie insurance so perhaps you have come to the right place!

      (And welcome to my blog btw! I’m so glad you’re here!)

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