Tonight, after my nearly-four-year-old son’s hour-long tantrum culminating in him being held down in the car so he wouldn’t unbuckle his seat belt or hit my husband, I said while clearly shaken-up: What if I had been by myself? What would I’ve done?
Person who shall remain anonymous: God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
Me: So what about someone who commits suicide? God’s like: Oops. Misjudged THAT one.
Because seriously, what does that platitude even mean? It’s said a hundred different ways, but it all sounds the same to me: God has given you CRAP and you better deal with it… smiling.
And if you don’t deal? Doesn’t that mean your God isn’t omniscient? Which is kind of an important part of the definition in most mono-theist conceptions of a god.
Or putting suicide aside, what if the person handles it with heroin? A fifth of Jack Daniels? Unprotected sex? Violence? (Because I would’ve LOVED to handle this afternoon with violence. Or at least duct tape.) Is that the HANDLE God’s aiming for?
I’m totally broken by my son’s tantrums. By his inability to control his emotions. He just goes shark. Something somehow somewhere hits him and BAM. He is unreachable, inconsolable and exhausting. Screaming and thrashing. Anywhere from fifteen minutes to sixty. Five to seven times a week.
And for the other twenty-three hours, he’s a sweet, well-mannered, verbal, athletic, independent and loving child.
I was motivated to cut television out completely because I thought that TV wasn’t helping him. There isn’t a causal relationship (these began long before television was apart of our lives), but TV did seem to introduce additional edginess. And he didn’t need any help.
But without TV? His episodes now occur in the middle of the night. Almost every night.
Yes, we are seeking help. And yes, it is probable that he will grow out of it. So don’t give me your non-MD/PhD diagnosis of my son. I’ll troll your blog like a dog in heat if you come after him.
I feel helpless and hopeless tonight. Because my son had two episodes in twelve hours. Because I bust my butt to parent without television, and we are up in the middle of the night trying to calm our inconsolable boy. Because the stigma of getting help is almost as bad as the stares during his rages.
I’m fighting the isolation, and I am losing. The episodes are unpredictable except that having two in a single day is rare. (Not rare this weekend, but when E’s tired, everything is worse and he had trouble falling asleep at the beach.)
And where can I go with a forty-pound unpredictable boy, his twenty-pound sister and my baby bag? Nowhere that isn’t within sight of the car. Or without a friend.
I’ve become careful and edgy. I cry easier. I have to stay away from other stressful events because I’m already at my limit. My edge.
He screams at me: GO AWAY!
And as I walk away, he screams louder almost terrified: STAY MAMA!
So I come back and he says: BUT NOT IN MY ROOM!
I have no place to go to help him.
And sometimes he hits and kicks in between the screaming and tears and terror. He’s bigger now. The physical attacks are more painful. They set off my own history of violence. Sometimes all I can do is walk away until I squash the desire to protect myself first.
And afterwards he cries. He tells me: Mama I don’t like when I feel that way.
And my heart breaks. He’s so little and scared. And I don’t know how to help him.
So when you say: God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I think: God gave me this?
Don’t tell me God’s just very impressed with my strength. I’ve been strong all my life. I don’t have anymore to prove to God.
And all those people with their easy children? They are weak?
Here I sit writing between my tears. But if your version of God is one that makes you cry from pain and humilation, you can keep him. Tuck him next to your platitudes and have fun pulling him out when YOUR life sucks.
Meanwhile, I’ll sit next to my God on the edge of the bed while aching to pull the covers over my head.
Me: God, what if I can’t handle it?
God: Life sucks sometimes. But you don’t have to do it alone.
Me: Thanks. I still hate you right now.
And God will laugh. We have that kind of relationship.
It’s the laughter that makes me willing to get out of bed each day.
Update 1: My Son, Revisited
Update 2: Learning To Help Me Son
{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }
the ones with easy kids aren’t weak, it’s just they have different things that seem beyond unbearable. I have certainly felt that way but about different things in life. And I hate it when people give me that line anyway I just want to say “I already know that and I’ll handle it in a mintue when I finish having my pity party and you get out of my face!” Hugs and I hope he turns back into your amazing child for the full 24 hours. . .at least until puberty
Thank you. And i know they aren’t weak… we all have our crosses to bear.
Rock on with your pity party.
And thanks for the hugs.
oh, sweetie. i had no idea you were going through this.
i am so sorry.
so, we ask for help in these situations. we reach out — just like you did — and we seek experience, strength and hope from others who have been through it, and from professionals. There is no shame in getting E tested and seen by a child psychologist/psychiatrist — that’s why they exist!! the docs at uva child and family psychiatry are great — i know because i have william under their care. email me if you want the details.
you are a terrific mom.
thank you. we are having him evaluated to be sure we aren’t missing something more than emotional/social immaturity. And we’ve met some great people here in richmond but I may email you just to hear more about your experience. And I can’t tell you how much it means to me for you to share that william is under their care.
I have some tears with/for you guys while reading this. As your husband may remember me telling him during a doctor’s visit or two, I can relate a bit. My son, now 3.5, would bash his head into walls, head butt, inflict pain and was completely inconsolable, too, when he was younger. His turned out to have an extremely strong temperament paired with an inability to express all that was going on in that little head verbally. I researched and googled and cried and felt like the worst mother in the world so many days, but now I know that I am not. I fight for my child, took the hits back then, endured the screaming (still do sometimes) and kept on trucking. THAT’S why we get special ones like this, because no matter what we keep on plowing through. You love him. You are a great mom, and you are the best mom for E, just like I am the best mom for G. Hugs to you this morning.
It’s amazing that we can keep trucking. Who knew what reserves we would have?
And I think that E is the same: an extremely strong will paired with an emotional/social immaturity. I hope he grows out of it with help as well.
Thanks for the hugs.
I’ve always wondered about that saying as well… even though I myself have said it before. I don’t know that I really believe God gives us horrible, stressful, traumatic situations because we are strong enough or he wants to toughen us up. Like my sister – she’s gone through YEARS of debilitating chronic fatigue, fought skin cancer, and now has a reflux baby on a feeding tube. And honestly I don’t think she’s that strong – at least not strong enough to handle all that!
Some stuff in life is the result of others’ poor decisions and unfortunately that is a result of free will. But some things, like what you are going through with E, have other explanations – or we never find one at all.
Faith is supposed to have doubts. And as long as your God sits by you and agrees that life is crappy and he’ll do what he can to help – then I think you CAN handle it.
I am a strong believer in the phrase “everything happens for a reason” because I have found through some of the toughest times in my life – I came out the other side with a knowledge, understanding, or skill that I never would have gained otherwise. There is always good – ALWAYS!
Praying for you guys. Hoping it’s a short road – but no matter what, you’ll get through it. You have to. He’s your son.
AKeo recently posted..My Public Apology to Chick-Fil-A
Thank you for your prayers. And I agree that it’s not FAITH without DOUBT. With doubt it’s just fact
And I think that my faith means this is a situation that I can use to grow rather than shrink. But it’s painful to grow, you know?
Oh, heartbreaking. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now. And I’m all about letting God know you’re pissed. He can take it. He’s no sissy.
You and yours are in my thoughts, my prayers. I’m praying you find the right person who knows exactly how to help your son, and you guys, through this.
Praying for us to find the right person to help us is just the most perfect prayer. Thank you so much Missy
I can’t tell you that I know what you are going through. I don’t. I can say that you are brave and strong. Your little man will look back on these days some time in the future and the love will overflow!
Nicki recently posted..Six Word Friday – You- Meaning Me
Thank you for reminding me that I’m brave and strong. I keep reading it when I’m overwhelmed.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are doing a great job for E–love, patience, and professional guidance. Don’t be too hard on yourself on the days the patience isn’t there either. You should not be expected to be perfect Alex.
I had this situation with Monkey. Email me if you need anything–seriously!
Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted..A Writing Challenge because the TV Challenge wasn’t enough
Thanks. I will probably make you email me your entire experience with Monkey. It’s amazing how hearing other people’s stories helps.
And thanks for reminding me that being perfect isn’t going to fix this. PHEW because I was sucking at that.
Yeah, I don’t believe in that saying. Otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people on drugs, street kind or prescription. Plus, would God really having lil’ kids being raped because they can “handle it?” Me thinks not.
Hang in there. Ask for help if you need it. Whether that be through a doctor, a friend, a relative, whomever. One of the things I see as a teacher is that sometimes parents feel if they ask for help they are seen as failing. You aren’t. AT ALL. BY ANYONE. You aren’t expected to know the answers. I’m not sure who DOES know the answers but ask until you find someone who does.
<3
jules recently posted..Etsy Rehab Center to Open Soon
I was so embarrassed to talk to E’s preschool teacher about it (and she turned out to be the least concerned out of everyone!) but we are gathering help around us. I think this post was part of me gathering my help. So thank you for being so encouraging here and on twitter too.
Sorry you’re having a difficult time. (Is this what I’m in store for at age 4? Because age 3 is already kicking my ass a bit.) I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately, because I have been wondering how much the television affects Mr. B’s moods. I’ve been trying to cut back, thinking that his anger/hormones are caused, in some way, by the sedentary-ness of sitting in front of moving images. But I don’t know….
For us, television didn’t help. And certain shows were totally out. BUT I think television can be a great tool IF the kid can handle it. Someone commented on my I Ask television post that the energy has got to come out somewhere. Maybe try some days on and some days off and see if there’s a difference?
thanks for your support too. good luck with mr. b
Oh, have I ever been there with my 2nd son (middle of 3). And while I’m an atheist and bristle even more than you do at the wretchedly platitudinous “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, I do have to say, I’ve gained a LOT from parenting this boy. I’m a different woman and parent today than I was three years ago because of the three years of holy hell I’ve gone through. Yes. Three years. I hope your stint in the fiery land is shorter.
Parenting this kid has meant slowing life way, way down. Like you, almost never going anywhere for a while. Sucks, but it’s survival. Finding new ways to get my mojo back. Learning about the way he filters the world…and realizing that actually, I’m a heck of a lot like him. Huh.
Yesterday we had a complete and utter shitstorm of a meltdown. I attempted to force him into his carseat, which was a total failure (and this was in a car with four other children and a friend of mine, and I really wanted to get us all home). I won’t tell you what I did next, except that it wasn’t violent but was illegal, didn’t make the trantrum better but did get us home. And at some point, I thought “well, THAT hasn’t happened in a long, long time.” Which means life must be a million times better (it is, in fact it’s usually great). And I did handle it, somehow!
I keep telling myself that I have the ability to do this, which might be just as platitudinous, but it must be true because I’m still here and he’s still here. And sometimes the “ability to do this” looks more like the “ability to page my husband and tell him to come home RIGHT NOW so that he still has three children and a wife when he gets home.” Whatever works.
Jess recently posted..word of the day 197-365- inscrutable
“that didn’t happen in a long long time” is just the hope I need. thanks.
and we’ve been dealing with this since he was 15 months old. Maybe not as often in the beginning (maybe?) but definitely there. I think that I just hadn’t realized how different our experience was from the average parent for a long long time.
I totally believe that it makes me a different person in really good ways. Honestly, I’d be SO self-righteous if my kid was easy.
It does change you, and usually for the better! I have so much more compassion for my kids, myself, and for other parents & kids because of my parenting journey in general and my journey with this son in particular.
Having friends who know him well and can be safe people for him to be with has been so valuable for him and for me. It’s nice to hear them point out that they also see the year-to-year differences in how much easier things are.
I’m willing to bet your experiences are probably less non-normative than you think. It’s just SO isolating and frustrating to be the parent in this situation, and while it’s happening, all the quiet, easygoing kids of the world seem to appear in a parade before you, accompanied by their parents, who seem so smugly certain that their children are angels due to their parenting skills (and that yours is tantruming for 2 hours straight because you suck). Really, though, a lot of those parents have totally been there, are thanking their lucky stars that it’s you in the moment right now and not them (but their moment was an hour ago or will come later today), and are also feeling a hell of a lot of sympathy for you.
Jess recently posted..word of the day 197-365- inscrutable
I can’t imagine what that must be like. I’m the parent of a (grown) easy child. I don’t know what I would have done if my journey had been like yours. Please know that for every judgmental idiot in the world, there are quiet people (like me) who empathize with you and wish you well. Peace.
thank you for being the quiet empathizer. I really appreciate your comment and thoughts of peace for my family.
Those kinds of religious platitudes are just some of the many reasons I’ve given it up. The problem of evil abounds, religions explain it away, and when it’s your child that has the problem, platitudes do not help.
Alex, I’ve been through this (not tantrums, but some very serious psychopathology). I can empathize with the pain, anger, hurt. The answers aren’t easy, and it’s more of a process than a magic bullet, but at least we live in an age when we can DO something about it.
Better living through biochemistry. As they say, the gods help those who help themselves.
the Mother recently posted..Wanton Whores Who Says
I am very grateful for an age where help is plentiful (or at least available. to say child psych is plentiful is just not true) and no one is offering an exorcism or leaches (or no one I associate with).
Thank you for understanding the pain, anger and hurt. It helps.
What a painful, but beautifully-written, honest post.
I have no real wisdom to offer but this:
After I had my son, I was completely overwhelmed and I honestly felt that I had been given more than I could handle. You know that speech the flight attendent gives before takeoff about how to use the oxygen mask on yourself first in the event of a crash landing? I had a who kept reminding me to do just that–to use the mask on myself first so I could then use it on Matthew.
So, on really tough days, this is what I practise to get through. Use your mask first so that you have the strength to help E. Whether that means five minutes in the bathroom to collect yourself or some time to write, you’ll then be in a better place to help him.
You aren’t alone, even though it really feels like you are.
Hugs.
Thank you for your kind words. And I am learning to use my oxygen mask more adeptly these days. Because it really is the only way I can be the mama that I want to be. and the best way that i can help my son.
the hugs help too
Hey – I’ve talked to my husband about this as he used to help boys through this (he worked at a boy’s home). His first thought was to cut out any white bread and sugar from E’s diet (if he has any) as this could cause fluctuations in his sugar levels. Is he extremely tired after the bouts? Have the doctor’s asked you to write down what he is eating during the day?
As far as TV goes we don’t let Maia watch TV at all. She did for a very little bit and we saw a huge change in her, biting, hitting, scratching. Without TV she is interactive, happy little yogini.
Speaking of Yoga, another avenue that may help him by teaching breathing techniques (you may think I’m crazy for saying that). I suggest talking to Leslie Lytle or Lydia Griffith. Lydia actually has a day camp up in Richmond for Kid Yoga. Let me know if you would like the connection!
Hugs to you my friend….
I think the yoga idea is good. he did yoga for a few months after school and while it didn’t “fix” it, i believe that it adds to his coping skills in the long term.
In general, he has very little white flour or sugar as is and it’s definitely not in a pattern with food. Nor is he tired afterwards. Although I would say that being tired often makes the episodes worse or more often (hence this weekend) but he’s not overtired from lack of an appropriate bedtime and routine. He’s just not a good sleeper. Never has been.
I appreciate the hugs and thoughts.
What a beautifully written, straight from the heart post. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I’m not quit there yet, my son is only 13 months, but the sayings “everything happens for a reason” and “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” have always irked the shut out of me. I am the least patient person I know and some days terrify me and the tantrums gave only just begun in out house.
Hang in there and find solace in knowing you’re not alone.
Thank you again for sharing. I appreciate your candor.
Tonya recently posted..Were Walking!
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I wasn’t known for my patience, but it’s amazing what we can do when we must. As long as I make sure to have alex-time too. You will surprise yourself too!
I’ve heard that saying a lot in the last 6 years, and it still sucks every time. I spent 8 years telling people that there was something wrong with my son besides ADHD. Finally, this year we were able to get some help and I don’t have to remain so isolated. Good luck, and hug your critter for me. We’ve definitely been there
I’m so glad that you found the appropriate help. I get so frustrated when I don’t feel heard. I actually stopped my pediatrician and said: I appreciate what you’re saying but I just don’t think it applies here.
And he was awesome and agreed. But I had given myself a pep talk beforehand just in case I felt misunderstood.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. And I will definitely hug E for you.
Alex, I’m sorry! Rage is a scary, terrifying thing. I’ll offer no advice, but know you are not alone.
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
Rage IS scary. And sad.
Hey Dude,
I am sorry to hear that E and you are struggling and having a hard time. I love you both sooooooo much and know that you, Scott, and E will figure out how to help each other . You are a wonderful Mom and E is lucky to have you! I’m always here for all of you!
Thanks Aunt K. Love you much!!
I have nothing to offer. I love you though, and I don’t love everybody…just you and like 4 or 5 other people.
<3
I love being special and being loved by you is very elite group. So thank you.
Sorry. We’re going through something very similar these days ourselves.
I’m sorry to hear that but really appreciate you sharing it. Because the isolation is so hard. Thank you.
I’m reaching out with hugs and a friendly shoulder. There are no words, only feelings of support to help boost you. xo
Christine LaRocque recently posted..Honest and focused
Your hugs and support are awesome. Thank you for caring.
We have hurt feelings in our house right now because sometimes they are 17 and a hairline emotional fracture develops and it’s so small you don’t even realize it’s there and you accidentally poke it and the floodgates open. Sometimes it happens in the grocery store.
This is a lifelong process. For everyone. Thinking of you, pf.
Lifelong process? Ugh. I hate growing and learning. But thank you for making me feel less weird.
I hope your 17 year old is feeling better.
I love you friend. You are causing all my postpartum tears to fall at once but they needed to come and I’m actually alone for the first time (with Lucy) so it’s welcomed. But know I love you and I will totally be praying for you, the fam, and E – for peace, discernment, and help. And you are right. There is no way our God gets his jollies from watching us in agony. He does love you too, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Thank you so much for your prayers and I’m glad to have helped you get the postpartum hysterics out.
And even when I’m mad at God, I know He’s not mad at me. Best relationship EVER.
I’m so so sorry. No parent should have to go through this, to feel the way you are right now, and no child should either. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to feel that way – probably much along the lines that you do actually.
I hate that line. It makes no sense. Like you’re also supposed to comfort in that God gave you this to go through? What the hell? It maddens me that people would say that to you. Again, I’m so sorry
Fynn gets to that place where you can’t reach him, but I’m not going to sit here and tell you I know what you’re going through. But not being able to reach, to calm, to help, is really scary. I know we’re new bloggy friends, but if you need anything please email, I’ll even send my number for you to call/text when things get bad and you need to vent and all that. Sending you some love.
Corinne recently posted..The journey of my nose and a needle
Thank you so much. Your words here are the perfect combination of caring, understanding, and support. Seriously.
Not being able to get through to them is scary, isn’t it?
And I’m so glad that we are bloggy friends.
Hate that quote. For me, didn’t even dare tell people what I was going through for fear of “you did this to yourself by adopting them” statements. It is harder – even – to feel like others are judging you too when it happens outside of the house. I can say that it does get better with age and even my son who was my original tantrumer does it very rarely. That ability to tolerate waiting and use words to express emotions just takes lots and lots of practice.
I have been terrified to tell anyone. For fear of judgment on me AND on my son. (Which is why I have that threatening statement about trolling blogs in my post.)
But it turns out so many more of us are walking through some version of it. So thank you for sharing your experience because it helps so much. And especially the hope that with age and practice, these will get better.
Sigh.
How many times have people beat me over the head with that stupid sentence? It’s a polite ways of saying, “Suck it up, kid!”
To hell with that. I will not suck it up. You don’t have to either.
Every word here? I understand. I can feel all of it. I know. And my God doesn’t shame me or test me. My God already knows what I’m made of.
Email me anytime you want. No one has helped me more in the past 8 years than other parents who are walking the same difficult road. Most of us have the good sense not to make diagnoses or suggest that the elimination of red food dye/gluten/whatever will magically cure all.
And next time someone says that God never gives you more than you can handle? Ask them to show you where it says that in the bible.
Finally? I’m giving you a Bad Ass Award.
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/nps-bad-ass-blogger-award
Thank you. For your comment, the award, and your blog. You already know that you gave me the courage to write this without even knowing what that you were doing it.
And I am sure that I will be in touch. Now that we are on the bumpy road to get help, I feel impatient for answers. For the fix. Which I know is ridiculous. But probably normal.
Alex, my heart aches. I am sorry your little boy and your family are going through this. My heart broke when he said he didn’t like it either. It must be so scary for him. Good for you for seeking help and for speaking out. We will keep your family in our prayers. If I could bottle us strength and send it to you I would, in a heartbeat.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Those mean so much to us. (Although a bottle of strength would be pretty cool. Like Popeye and spinach)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I won’t insult you with platitudes, but I’m pretty sure that people who are saying that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle are not God’s spokespeople.
Marinka recently posted..Sticky Parenting Situation of the Month
Thank you so much.
And I agree that God probably sighs and shakes his head and says: Not that stupid saying again.
Now I’m grateful to Adrienne too, because I can’t imagine not having read this beautiful post. And I’m grateful for your relationship with your God, I hope it continues to help you sleep.
Thank you for your kind words. And I’m so grateful for my relationship with my God too.
Alex, I’m so sorry you are going through this! I feel for you, I really do. It sounds like you are doing absolutely everything you can for your little guy, and I just hope that you all get through it soon. Big hugs to you. xo
ShannonL recently posted..Intentional Happiness- Vacation!!!
Thank you for saying that we are doing everything we can for E. That sentence makes me feel SO much better. It’s hard not to get into the place of if-only-I-did-more.
And thank you for the hugs.
Oh, I’m so sorry! Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in my prayers. I know that there are solutions for you out there, I hope you find it soon, whatever it may be. I’m with Adrienne also, show me that in the bible. Better yet, how about looking up something that will really help! {{hugs}}
Thank you for the prayers. And hugs.
Don’t worry, I’ll put those God/handle people in their place. Perhaps a quick karate chop.
I hate that saying. God only give you what you can handle. Yup, hate it. (I hate the word “hate”, too, but we’ll let it fly for right now.) It’s not as if I’m a God-lovin’, Christian woman, but the saying crosses over religion and “God” can be replaced by “Life”, in a way. Suicide, drugs, difficult children, easy children, you hit the nail on the head with all of those examples of things life brings with it.
I’m on the edge nearly every day. I’m tired of being here. I have screamers, biters, hitters who flail and whine and yell in my face. Don’t want me to talk to them, but want me near enough to know I’m around. Three boys battling each other in one moment and battling me the next? I want to just say I’M DONE! But can’t. And THAT saying is pointless anyway. We are never done with Motherhood, the big M.
All this is to say, I hear you. I get it. You are not alone. I know it’s not enough, it doesn’t solve anything, you still have this dilemma, this battle to fight, but it’s something–because the isolation of this stage can be nearly as terrifying as the stage itself.
Knowing I’m not alone is almost enough. Because I agree, the isolation was killing me. I could hardly write. I was in tears. And although I still have to walk through this with my son, I feel like I have other mamas too.
And I hate the word hate too. But I get it. The saying is so… demoralizing.
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your struggles. It’s so hard when all I need is to be alone and instead I have children who “must” follow me screaming. And no back-up for hours. {sigh}
You are one brave mama sharing that. It always breaks my heart to read about mamas having a hard time with their kids. I’m not a religious person nor am I super good at giving advice, but I’ll tell you what I tell all my peeps when they get overwhelmed and sad: When I get overwhelmed and freaked out the thing that makes me feel the best is taking a walk. Even if it’s hours after “the incident” that freaked me out in the first place. Sometimes that’s not possible because you can’t leave the kids alone (even though it’s super tempting). But if the hubster is home, that’s what I do. Sending you positive vibes from the Great North Woods. – Mommyk
Thank you. For calling me brave and for sending my positive thoughts. It helps so much.
And I agree with the walks. We got a dog a month or so ago so taking him out (sans kids) is really helpful in getting my head back on straight.
I always go crazy when someone placates me with “god doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”
Right, like a child’s death? or a miscarrige? or a parent’s suicide? think you can handle that?
I like to say, “god doesn’t give us stuff, life does. God is there for when life doles out those cards. So we have someone to hold us while we steer through the storm.”
And to feel the worth of the anchor, you have to feel the strength of the storm.
I like your response to the God/handle phrase. Because I agree that God gives us strength to walk through life. And sometimes life sucks.
Thanks Alexandra!
I’m so glad you were able to write about this. I know it couldn’t have been easy. I hope getting it all out and sharing it were some comfort to you. I know I don’t have any kids, but I’ve been through emotional/psychological stuff like that and it can be very scary, confusing, and hurtful for everyone involved. I definitely understand about the stigma and the isolation and being mad at God. And I hate that saying. Besides, God giving me more than I can handle is what brings me closer to him eventually- I think it’s like that with lots of relationships. So I will definitely be thinking of you and E and of Scott and N, and praying for you, too. What’s wonderful is the love you have. I think that’s what saves us when life gets insane. Love you!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
And I appreciate you sharing about how isolating and scary it can be. And for reminding me that we are not alone at all in this. And that our love is so powerful!
Okay, first business. I tagged you for a meme (I know you don’t read my blog so you’d never find out what an honor you had in store for you). And yes, I’m being humorous. Oh, and if you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, you can read my post before last which explains all about memes.
Okay second. Wow. So much to say. It’s a good thing you mentioned that we could all save our breath on the non-med diagnosis because soon as I start readin’, I start thinking “could it be this? could it be that?” Not in a “I’m better than you” way, but in a – “wow, that’s really hard – what can a friend do to help” way. So no diagnosis. But I do want to say that I don’t think there is ANY stigma attached to seeing someone. I certainly wouldn’t have a problem with it. In France, everyone talks about taking the kid to talk to the psych at the PMI (protection mother infant). Or for the mom to set up an appointment for herself.
But mostly what I wanted to say is that I think your perception of God is spot on. That conversation sounds just about perfect. And that doesn’t mean he’s not omniscient.
Way to keep fighting girl.
I wish the US was as comfortable with mental health as France is. Because I agree that talking to someone is GREAT. But people are so funny about it. It’s like GOOD FOR YOU! with a lot of GLAD IT’S NOT ME and some IT WOULD NEVER BE ME.
Or maybe I’m just oversensitive.
And thanks for the encouragement.
I read this in a book last night, and it made me think about you. “God isn’t interested in watching you enact some performance of personalty in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves.” : )
I love this quote. It made me cry when you left it here. Not in a bad way but just that you took the time to send it to me. And it’s just such a great quote.
thank you.
i was told that phrase, “god doesn’t give you any more than you can handle” by someone once… the week after i had been raped.
and in the almost 10 years since, i’ve been told that same line repeatedly, in response to different circumstances, but i’ve never quite understood it.
come to think of it, after reading this post of yours, i don’t think i want to understand it. to me, it simply does not make sense. but that’s me.
in terms of you… i offer *hugs* and applaud you for writing about it.
Thank you for the hugs. And the phrase is so condescending. It trivializes our experience and responses. At times when that is the LAST THING we need.
Hugs back as your 10 year anniversary nears.
Hey – for yoga….Try Lydia (Nitya) Griffith’s Yoga Camp for Kids. Here’s the link on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Kharma-Khameleon/352063384257
I’m so sorry. I have nothing. No words of advice. No tips or tricks. No tried and true, result-oriented, fail-proof methods to dish out.
What I do have is sympathy and some empathy. While we’re not coping with daily tantrums, the few that we get from our four-year-old come with the force of an earthquake and leave us all shaken, confused, frustrated and ready for a stiff drink. I can’t imagine enduring these quakes on a daily basis.
Kudos to you for recognizing a potential culprit (the TV). And double kudos for going out on a limb and blogging about it. For opening yourself up, for exposing your vulnerable mother’s heart and for recognizing that you don’t have to do this alone. One of the hardest parts of motherhood is the self-imposed solitude when things are rough. One of the joys of blogging is the ready community there to support you without judgement.
And those that judge can be deleted/blocked/flamed. Win/win.
I’ve re-read your comment and every time it brings tears to my eyes. In a good way. Thank you for being so caring. And for talking about the self-imposed solitude of motherhood too. I had no idea how alone I felt until I blogged about it and people like you shared So thank you. For understanding without judgment or self-righteousness.
I don’t think I can say anything here that hasn’t already been said. Just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts – for what it’s worth, my own little girl is entering her Terrible Twos stage and I have a feeling I will hang on to every word you say about this because I will need them for myself too.
The only thing that helps me through a difficult situation is this very simple but true (and surprisingly comforting phrase): This too shall pass.
And I promise you, it will. *Hugs*
Justine recently posted..The Tipping Point Guest Post
Thank you for the hugs and good thoughts!
And I find “This too shall pass” very comforting (except when I think it during the good times.)
I don’t know how I just read this post- maybe I missed it when I was out of town. I hate to be the one who says I Know How You Feel, because I know how annoying and, sometimes, insincere that can be. But, although my H is younger and smaller, I have the same kind of reaction to the behaviors of his that I don’t like. Probably because I could easily behave the same way. I’ve been known to throw and break things and yell, and it terrifies me to think that my son might be the same way. Most of what he does is so trivial, but when it’s one thing after another, I eventually lose it. It’s such a crappy part of parenting, isn’t it? And there have been countless times, starting from before we even came home from the hospital, that I thought I couldn’t handle it. And I probably didn’t handle it very well. But we are here, still a mostly-stable family.
The Sweetest recently posted..The Rest of the Story
I find it heartbreaking that he knows he is out of control and he doesn’t like it. I’m sure you do too.
I have friends going through this with their 8 year old and I think the more help you can get earlier the better off your son (and daughter) will be in the long term.
Courage.
love this post. love the honesty of it. I think we’ve all been there, if it’s not this it’s that, and I hate people who tell you “my kid never cried” and shit like that, and envy people with calm easy children, sometimes, other times not at all cause they are also for the most part boring, and my kids may drive me insane, but when I am not trying to cut my head off I’m laughing my butt off.
It sounds to me like you need a day (or two) TO YOURSELF. you do go first, it’s like in the airplane: if you don’t have the airbag you won’t be able to help the minor.
angelica recently posted..Help! my son just discovered his new best friend…
my 5yr old son has been known to unbuckle & jump out of his carseat… on the freeway… with just moi in the car. it’s terrifying. i think the last time he did it was in October. before that it had been a year. i thought we were past it and then… starting school again this year and all the transitions that go along with it seemed to facilitate in bringing back that behavior. i took a parenting seminar and enacted the tools from it in addition to his therpeutic preschool and all the other therapies and interventions we do. so far so good.
Alex, this post really touched me. I have a two-year-old boy, and I wonder what kind of temper he will have. I wonder how I will handle it. I think you’re brave and strong, and I love the raw honesty in your writing. It has been a year since you posted this (or a little longer). How is it going now?
{ 6 trackbacks }