I love the hope and joy heard around engagements and weddings. But sometimes I just want to scream: LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. GET READY FOR WORK. GOOD WORK THAT YOU CAN BE PASSIONATE ABOUT, BUT WORK NONETHELESS.
When my husband and I got engaged, married friends pulled us aside and said: Being engaged sucks.
Thank you!
And it did. Planning a wedding amidst family opinions (don’t worry. at least I got to wear the white go-go boots. even if we did end up with a band instead of a dj) and wondering every time he farts or forgets IT’S-OUR-EIGHT-MONTHIVERSERY (or remembers, depending on where you fall on the great monthiversary debate) who is this guy I’m marrying, is THE WORST.
Because of our friend’s honesty, we limited our engagement to seven months. And had our wedding needed to be postponed? Chaos. Murder. And elopement. But luckily it came off without a hitch (well with one hitch that I’ll have to blog out another time).
All the guests left. Our home is full of kitchen supplies and a random red fake-rotary phone that I insisted be on our registry. I’m sitting around trying to figure out how to change my name without losing me.
Suddenly, we were MARRIED.
And guess what? He still farts like it’ll make him popular and he ALSO STACKS THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
As we faced these disappointments in each other and when I thought that slamming the door would make my point MUCH MORE LOGICAL, I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. Because it is our HONEYMOON PERIOD. If we are falling apart now, we are doomed.
The first year is NOT the honeymoon period. Seriously, don’t most divorces occur in the first year? That IS how I like to spend my honeymoon. Judge Keene and I laying on the sands of Belize toasting another DIVORCE COURT gone right.
Instead, my husband and I begrudgingly learned to ask the important questions: Why do you need to leave your socks all over the house like breadcrumbs?
And give important answers: Having your sock path is clearly more important to you than it is to me.
And have important thoughts: Would I rather be right (sock paths are weird) or happy (step over said sock path and kiss my husband hello)?
And at our one year anniversary, I said: If this is our worst year, we are going to be okay.
And we are. Wait, we are more than okay. I love Scott and our relationship more this year than last year. My heart is bigger. My sex life is better. My ability to be compassionate, caring, and hilarious have improved. Well, enough to make this year better than the last one.
So if you are in your first year of marriage and it sucks, take heart. We liked each other a LOT better year two.
And we will have seven years of AWESOME in November. Perhaps we will celebrate by picking up my husband’s socks. Or having him JUST wear a sock. Probably the latter.
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Totally agree that being engaged sucks. I was so happy the first couple of months we were married in part because I felt like I had my LIFE back. No one tells you how much time wedding planning takes, or how stressful it is. It was still the best party I’ll ever throw, though.
For us, the first year reality hit when we combined our finances a couple months after the wedding. (We lived together before we got married, so I’d already become acquainted with the sock path and had resigned myself to it.) Money was tough for us, though – we really struggled with reconciling different approaches to budgeting, saving, debt payoff, etc. There were a couple of times that I found myself wondering if I’d made a mistake as we worked our way through that. I think the money issue in particular is something that no one likes to talk about. The sock path is equally problematic for the relationship, but usually some kind soul such as yourself will give an indication that the sock path is on the horizon. No one likes to talk about money though, especially in the context of supposedly blissfully happy newlyweds.
Congratulations on almost 7 years of awesomeness! We’re coming up on 5 years in October and it’s amazing how quickly it’s gone, and how much BETTER things get every year.
It’s awesome that it keeps getting better, isn’t it?
And the money thing is hard for lots of couples. We lucked out because Scott is so bad with money that I just do 99% of it. So we can focus our arguments on socks.
OMG Thanks so much for that blog, Our engagement was 4 months and that was 4 months too long for me! I totally agree that the first year is the hardest. It wasn’t until David and I actually acknowledged to eachother that it wasn’t what we expected that it got better. We didn’t live together ahead of time but knew the quirks to look forward to so that didn’t bother me, it was the fact that I didn’t have anywhere to go if i wanted to, no “my house” to go to because my house was also HIS house. I tried watching TV in a seperate room because I didn’t like his “Mythbusters” and “Modern Marvels” and “Dirty Jobs”. But, now we compromise and watch things together. We make sure we have a datenight, and communicate, communicate, communicate. “I feel disconnected” is the most common complaint, and now we know that when one of us (me) feels that way, all we have to do is talk about our FEELINGS and it gets better. Thanks again for writing about what we are all thinking.
I loved the line about what helped y’all was acknowledging that it wasn’t what you expected. That’s why I hate the notion of the “honeymoon period” — i feel like it give a false perspective.
I thought the first year after marriage was ok – but we’re both pretty lazy so there wasn’t a lot to fight over. But now that we’ve got a kid and the work MUST be done promptly? The first year after baby has been rough for us. Not “I’m going to leave you” rough but “Why can’t you just put the condiments back in the fridge so I can feed our kid without our food spoiling?” rough.
Can you believe we’re already talking about having another one?
Ebb and flow. Ebb and flow.
The new baby is tough, too. For us, Scott was working 60-80 hours/week so we didn’t have time to argue.
The second one is tough but in different ways. Less anxiety or arguing over parenting styles. But even LESS downtime… Still totally worth it :D
Being engaged was lovely — my parents were evil, but it made us closer that way! And I used to plan events for a living, so no biggie there. The first year after getting married was lovely. The next six years were delightful. And then — the baby arrived!!! That’s when the poop hit the fan. Or the floor. Or really anywhere the dirty diaper went that year. Once we made it through that, things were fine, until I became pregnant again. I’m a crappy pregnant girl. Now that we’ve made it through the second first year post-baby, I think we’re good. That only took ten years… ;) Happy Lucky Seven!
I definitely can understand the preggo/baby time suckage.
(Reason #25 that we don’t want another pregnant alex or an infant.)
And I love the line “my parents were evil” HEH!
Thank you!
In 3 months and 2 days Joel and I will be married. Yikes! I had no idea how hard planning a wedding really is. Anyways, I ‘m totally relating to you on pretty much all counts exept for the first year of marrage part ( check back with me in 1 year 3 months and 2 days). I was feeling really guilty that our planning wasn’t so graceful. Can’t wait for year 2!
I had no idea planning a wedding would be that hard either. And I didn’t really CARE what color the napkins were. Thank goodness my mom did!
Luckily, a friend warned me, ‘you think you know each other, but you expect different things from a husband then a boyfriend.’. And some of those expectations even surprised me. Who knew I thought he’d get handy over night or learn to budget (or care about the budget) or clean a toilet? We had known each other six years and I knew ALL of this.
Some things you accept, some you change, but I still need my own tooth paste tube. His is all mashed and that’s just wrong.
That is such a great way to put it: different expectations for a husband vs. boyfriend . I actually went through that during the transition from girlfriend to wife. I couldn’t cook and even feminist me thought I’LL BE THE WORST WIFE EVER. Who knew I carried THAT old idea around?
Isn’t it amazing what our minds hold? I continue to be shocked by mine. Sometimes the best we can do is realize the idea is goofy and let it go. My grandma, a lovely wife and momther, couldn’t cook when she was first married. The stories she told of early entertaining. Oh, thank goodness we don’t live then.
Our engagement was nine months long and not too terrible, thanks to small and simple wedding plans. Though I did cry in a Hobby Lobby at one point, and we did argue with some family over libations.
Several of our years have been harder than the first, but harder on us than on our relationship (grad school, jobs, house building…), which has gotten better. Like wine?
I agree that our outside circumstances — life’s curveballs — have been tougher over the years. But we have, like y’all, grown closer and grown more understanding of each other so they seem easier to field (this baseball analogue is going AWESOME)
I must be totally abnormal then. I cant seem to make it past 5 years.
You are NOT abnormal. (Well you might be abnormal but not in a bad way.) I think that we are all different — not all marriages last. (And aren’t you and the sportsman past five years already?)
And tomorrow, I’ll celebrate my 10 YEAR anniversary. And now, when I think back to year one, I think how SWEET it was. We will still trying to show our “good sides.” Over the years, there will be good times, bad times, loving times, frustrating times, but I feel like as long as you both stay committed to staying together, you make it work. And you’re right, it IS work. But it’s worth it if you’re with your best friend.
Congrats on 10 years! And it is WONDERFUL to be married to your best friend! Yay!
The first year of living together is definitely the hardest. Congratulations on 7 years!
Thanks :)
Paying for my own wedding was a great way to make sure no one else in the family had a say on my decisions for my own wedding day. As if wedding details aren’t stressful enough, who needs family feud in the midst?
Yay to nearly seven years and white go-go boots!
The go-go boots DO rule.
Thank you. And you already know why.
Celebrating 10 years in September and can’t wait!! As you know from reading some of my own posts on the subject, we’re very happily married. I don’t remember if our first year was hard, but I DO remember that the first year we lived together was hard. We lived in sin for two years before marriage. And it almost ended us. But thank goodness it didn’t. Because he’s my soul make, my best friend, and everything I want in a partner. Does that mean it’s always coming up roses. LORD NO!! But we get each other, and we know when to lay off (well, he does, I’m not so good at it).
Happy 7! To many, many more! And please keep regaling us with the humour. Some days I don’t comment for all the laughing I’m doing. But I assure you I’m always reading :-)
Living together is definitely part of the struggle. I like my SPACE. We decided to move in together a few months before getting married, I vaguely objected but then relented. And after a few months, I think Scott wished that he had AGREED with my objections… But we did get through it!
Congrats on 10!! And on being happily married.
This is a universal truth.
And impossible to explain to the newly-engaged.
My husband and I sat on the couch, my face bearing a look of gravity while my husband spoke in an unusually intense voice to our friends snuggling on the love seat across from us, “Be prepared for the first year to be awful. Just get over that hurdle and you’ll be home free.”
They, of course, went home and said, “Wow…I wonder if they’re going to make it. We’re NOTHING like them.”
Until a year later when she’s locked herself in their bathroom sobbing on the phone to me and he’s at our house saying, “What the hell happened to my wife?”
While we smuggly said, “Yeah…the first year sucks.”
I loved your story. It is hard to convince people… I always say DON’T DO A LONG ENGAGEMENT. And no one listens… story of my life as a mom of a preschooler and an infant too. ugh.
Yay! Hubby and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage at the end of this month, and almost 14 years together! The first year of marriage wasn’t bad because we already had 7 years under our belts, but that first year living together… that was hard. I got pregnant, I was sick, he worked nights and we were broke. But we got through it. We both had our annoying habits (still do), but we learned to live with them and worked through the hard times together. You’re right – a good marriage does take work, but it’s sooo worth it!
It is DEFINITELY worth it. Scott and I only had seven MONTHS under our belt when we got engaged and another seven when we got married… so that may skew our perspective a bit.
Last week, you were the wedding maven. Now you’re telling everyone it’s so hard?
Yes, it is. That first year is a total bitch. I do understand why so many people don’t make it.
However, have you ever heard of the “Seven Year Itch?”
Don’t blame me, I just report.
Hard and WONDERFUL. (And I was telling them that before — it’s a wonder anyone asks me to be a bridesmaid)
I have heard of the seven year itch — we have a little over five months to go of our seventh year… cross your fingers.
My ex-husband and I didn’t even move in together until 6 months after we got married, when our 1st son was born (college, military housing, etc). Amazingly enough, we made it through the 1st year of hell. If we can do it, anyone can. Year 10 was a different story, 2 days prior to our 10 yr anniversary, I broke down and gave in to his request for a divorce. Sad times.
As for wedding planning, I will never do it. Everyone in my life knows that if Honey and I got engaged, no one would be the wiser. That’s why friends ask if we’re married yet, not engaged. They know me so well.
Divorce is sad — even if it’s the right thing for the relationship.
But it’s so good that you found Honey (and that you are NOT planning another wedding — ugh!)
Okay, so I think all women should have to read this before getting married because it’s all so true!
We are going to be celebrating 11 years this year. I think every year gets a little easier :)
Aw! Thanks. And yay for 11 years of improvements :D
Love, love, love the line “he still farts like it will make him popular.”
Our first year of marriage wasn’t as tough as I expected. The first year after our first child was glorious. The first five months after having our second? Torture. Like I’d-rather-peel-off-my-own-fingernails torture.
But, things are leveling out now and I’m grateful that we learned how to communicate well early on.
And early congratulations on your wedding anniversary in November! Will there be cake? ;)
All I’m saying is I distinctly remember jumping up and down on the (double) bed crying one night (toddler preview?) as my poor husband stared in disbelief becuase learning to just sleep together all the damn time was hard in those first few months of marriage. My sage advice to newlyweds: immediately buy the biggest bed you can fit in the bedroom, even if it’s the ONLY thing you can fit in the bedroom.
The first post honeymoon months (if you haven’t lived together previously for any length of time) of just adjusting to being together ALL the time is a bizarro adjustment – as in, of course i knew i love being with you when I want to relax and have fun and play and cocoon together… but i’m not totally sure how to be with you ALSO when i need to sit on my butt being grumpy about a terrible day at work, when i have a stomach virus and need to spend the weekend in the bathroom, when i’m freakingout on PMS and anxiety and everything is overwhelming, when i just need time to myself??? it takes time and work… for sure!
Now we’re coming up on #10, and still drive each other crazy (though I try to refrain from tantrums in the bed, we upgraded to Queen)…but we’re crazy in a way that’s familiar and comforting, and happily, still backed up by a whole lot of love.
We’re on 10 years of marriage. Plenty of other years besides the first one can suck, but if both are doing the work to keep it together (frankly one or both not doing the work is usually why it sucks, but if both ARE doing the work then it almost doesn’t seem like work) then it will be fine, I hope.
EVERY lady should read this before getting married, or at least during the 1st year to know that they are not alone. I so agree with you. My husband and I just had 9 years and I feel like we appreciate the little things together so much more now. Partly because we have survived the beginning of parenthood which is hell, but also oh so sweet.
I wanna see the gogo boots! Also, “Farts like it’s gonna make him popular” made me guffaw! Love you mama.
I loved this post. But you know what I thought was harder? The first year of marriage after children. To me, until then, it felt like marriage was just like dating, but with extra benefits. Like joint bank accounts and nicer appliances. But the first year after we had kids was hard. Because all of a sudden it wasn’t just us anymore and I barely even knew who I was, much less him. Things are great now. We’ve got our groove going. But it took awhile to get used to the new identities of being mom and dad, outside of just being us. Great post, Alex! I love the way you can be so funny and serious and insightful all at once. You are awesome.
I’m lazy and baggage-laden. For me, it’s just easier not to try again. But you and the good Dr. make me think it’s possible. Kindly stop it. xo
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