Someone Should Stop Letting Stephen King Write Baby Books

Yesterday at nap time, I read to my daughter. Like I usually do. (I’m told the award is in the mail.)

We picked (I picked and she didn’t try to beat the crap out of the book to get me to drop it) Touch & Feel Baby Animals.

It pretty much goes CUTE ANIMAL WITH RHYME, CUTE ANIMAL WITH RHYME, CUTE ANIMAL WITH RHYME, TIGER THAT WANTS TO EAT YOU.

Yes, the last page looks a lot like this:

The tiger is smaller, but the book is fairly emphatic about his need of a tiger snack after a long day of play.

And Iā€™m pretty sure that whatever the tiger is snacking on once looked a lot like this:

N in the Serengeti. Hoping the sun blinds the stalking tiger cub.

Good sweetie! Sleep tight! Don’t let the hungry tiger cub tear you limb from limb!

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

14 thoughts on “Someone Should Stop Letting Stephen King Write Baby Books

  1. It’s a modern day version of the Little Red Riding Hood. “Kids don’t be bad otherwise the tiger may come and EAT YOU! You don’t want that do you??” LOL Yesh

  2. Why are children’s stories and lullabies so terrifying?

    London Bridge is falling is down
    Ring around the rosey is about bubonic plague
    The Cradle Falls Down

    I mean, really they’re just terrifying.

  3. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…..HA HA HA!

    (If you know where they came from, you’ll never read them to your children, either. Ring around the rosy, we all fall down–from the plague.)

  4. First – great picture of N. Second… yes… We just read a version of the three little pigs. Which is more disturbing – that the wolf wants to eat them or that he lands in a fire at the end. And some books even have the pig eating the wolf! (This one was javalinas and a cayote, but same thing.)

    Feel better. (My filter is gone too.)

  5. Did you know that Stephen King donated a children’s wing to a Maine hospital? Because that’s the hospital I would definitely want my kid to be treated at.

    If I wanted her to come back as a flesh-eating zombie, that is.

  6. Oh my, that sounds like a tough toddler book! As KLZ says it is very interesting how awful and scary the old fashioned nursery rhymes are with mice getting tails cut off, maids noses pecked off, babies falling out of trees etc. I think the Tiger would probably prefer bigger prey than a tiny toddler though, so it’s your good self who needs to be worried šŸ™‚

  7. I agree with a couple of the commentors here — all the nursery rhymes and fairy tails are all just…well, pretty depressing, LOL. Like the old lady who swallowed a fly (perhaps she’ll DIE).

    I guess we need some way to open up the conversation about death. I’m sure my daughter will one day ask me, “Mama, what’s die?”

  8. The nursery rhymes and fairy tales do prompt some interesting questions and conversations, don’t they? When one of my girls was in preschool, she told me her teacher put her in a cage every day during nap time – later discovery revealed they were practicing “Hansel and Gretel” for a school performance.

    Of course, she also used to wail “Stop treating me like Cinderella!” when she was in time-out.I learned my lesson by the third child, though. Harold and the Purple Crayon and Jamberry are on the bookshelf, now.

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