I Have Never Been Fine

Things I think when you ask:
How are you, Alex?

  • Dreary and futile.
  • Doin’ the butt! WAHWAHWAH
  • So tired I’d like to scrunch up your head like a pillow, slam it to the floor, and sleep on it.
  • Dude, is my phone on? Where are those voices coming from?
  • Karate CHOP!
  • Hungry enough to go zombie on you
  • You have nose hair.  (I’m only 5’4. I see a LOT of nose hair.)
  • Stop staring at my bra-less boobs. Oh, my nipple just poked your eye?  Good. (I know a lot of short people, too.)
  • My nose is running, I forgot to wear deodorant, and my bangs are pulling a Something About Mary right now.
  • I just debated whether I should throw myself down the stairs.  Or you.
  • Besides this painful ear zit?
  • Hold on a second. The person on the other line might be more interesting than you.
  • I decapitated Cookie Monster today.

    You: No seriously, how ARE you?
    Me: I’m much funnier in my head. How are YOU?

    Alex Iwashyna

    Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

    12 thoughts on “I Have Never Been Fine

    1. Robby has told me a few times that when people ask how I’m doing, they are really not looking for an answer other than “Great!” Why, I wonder, do they even ask them. Serves ’em right to get the REAL low down if they have enough cojones to ask.

    2. Well you are funny in my head all the time!

      It’s funny how people ask how we are doing, but they don’t *really* want to know the answer. Maybe you should try one of your real answers next time!

      And um, the Something About Mary bangs? I DON’T want to know! 😉

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