Don’t Blog And Drive Because SECURITY PATROL Is In The House

Tonight I passed a car that said SECURITY PATROL on it’s side. With a big ol’ badge in the middle that was shaped like a police badge but with the SCALES OF JUSTICE in the center. I attempted to take a picture. At night. While leaving a voicemail.

I didn’t die. My voicemail made no sense. And I didn’t get the picture. (I DID debate whether I could still pull off this blog post without PROOF.)

The car then sped up and merged into my lane and on the trunk was the matching sticker: PATROL. (With the SECURITY part POSSIBLY ripped off because the truck lip was small.) Again my picture-taking-while-driving is not as good as my emailing-while-driving (that’s not texting!) so you get SECURITY PATROL zooming away.

Apparently there was a major security breech down the road.

I’m 99% sure these were bumper stickers adhered to a white four-door American-made car.

My mini-minivan is white and Japanese, but I look good in blue so I google “security patrol car stickers” and find nothing helpful in my new quest to become our neighborhood SECURITY PATROL. (There was a break-in last week so they’ve expelled all foreigners from our neighborhood except those who own homes here. Home-owning-foreigners are quarantined until further notice. The rob-bees, also known as those who were robbed, mentioned that it MIGHT have been an inside job. I’m thinking crack-addict daughter. They’re thinking house-cleaning crew. Either way, a security patrol is NEEDED. And the rob-bees have all that disposable income from firing the cleaning crew!)

The only useful item on Google is a picture of SECURITY PATROL’S passenger.

His sidekick was TOTALLY eyeing me suspiciously.

And then I hit bank. Look at all the free stuff I’ll get!

Okay so this may actually be what you get as a police officer in England. Same thing, right?

All this free stuff is SO great because I pretty much pay for EVERYTHING around here. By pay, I mean that my husband goes to work and I stay home and think (CORRECTLY) that I should be paid. Oh, and I start writing part-time in about a week. So not only will I NOT be making any money, but I’ll be paying someone else to watch my children one day/week. And on the other day of my soon-to-be-launched writing career? I’m letting my husband see the dark side of the stay-at-home hood.

Appreciation is almost like paycheck. But not really.

This would (WILL) be our company shirt.

I almost bought my family these for Christmas last year. But I felt bad for our children. Then I started this blog. Sorry, kids.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

16 thoughts to “Don’t Blog And Drive Because SECURITY PATROL Is In The House”

  1. I’m feeling a little concerned because you have apparently documented an invasion of vernicious knids or evil threads (or maybe they’re the same thing and roald dahl & anne mccaffrey were both utter visionaries). the future of the free world may depend upon your setting up this new security thing.

    to help you in your quest, i’ve located this triple-win: security patrol car magnets with FREE flashing lights, available on craigslist. the better to racially profile the ‘burbs with, my dear.

  2. Although i love the spoofs of the apple commercials better than the original, i have to hand it to them. I keep hearing myself say “there’s an app for that”. Like for when you are driving: there’s a camera app that is sound activated. So set your homebutton to start camera on doubleclick en then while screaming cheese into someones voicemail it automatically takes a picture. clapping hands or other sounds will also work….
    Get that and get a handsfree dock that sticks to the window and your all set: you are less of a traffic hazard and you never miss a kodak moment!

  3. Please tell me you have the link for that awesome sweatshirt. I need it!

    And dearest, please put down the phone and the camera while driving. You’re a disaster waiting to happen!

    1. Oh yes! Click on the hoodie pic and it’ll take you right to the website (I try to always do that to give credit where it’s due 🙂

      And yes, I’m a menace. But it only strikes me 1/7 days a week so I’m a reforming menace!

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