Dinner Table Conversations Or Why You’re Happy We Married Each Other And Not You

Monday night at the dinner table:

Scott: You need to work on your calcium intake.
Me: What do you mean I need to work on my calcium intake?
Scott: You have all that history of osteopenia.
Me: Not anymore! I fixed it!
Scott: Well, I don’t want someone all bent up. I’m not putting up with that.
Me: What are you going to do? Kick me to the curb if I get all hunched over?
Scott: Yup. I’m going to get a newer, younger model.
Me: That’s fine. But with the kind of woman you’re attracted to, she’ll end up all NOT-ON-CALIUM-HUNCHED-UP, too. And after her, you’ll be too old to pull the young ones. And you won’t have any money to make up for your old man-ness. Because without me to do the bills, you’ll be BROKE.
Scott: Hmmm… I DO like spending money.

Tuesday night at the dinner table:

Scott: It must’ve been so hard back in the day to survive.
{I’m thinking: Oh boy, he’s about to waxing philosophic on antibiotics and vaccines and leaches.}
Scott: Imagine being a caveman with my vision! {taking his glasses off} And my vision is like what you had when you were four.
Me: Oh, I’d totally be eaten. {pause} Or revered as a GOD.

Our latest conversations have got me thinking. We should do the whole RENEW OUR VOWS PARTY!  But with new vows!

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?  For richer or poorer.  In straight back or hunched back.  In wholeness or half-eaten.  Until old man-ness do you part.

I DO! If we can have another wedding registry. Because I just broke my desk chair. Like tonight.  Like RIGHT NOW.

And you are all invited to our WEDDING VOW RENEWAL CEREMONY/RACKET!  But bring a desk chair.  Or a card. I love cards.

PS. In researching wedding vow renewals, I found this and now we MUST do it. But in costume.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

26 thoughts on “Dinner Table Conversations Or Why You’re Happy We Married Each Other And Not You

  1. I dig those vows. All hunchback and oldmaness. Very practical. None of that I-see-the-sunrise-in-your-eyes, I-can-move-mountains, as-long-as-we-have-each-other-our-furniture-will-never-break crap.

    Sorry about the chair. If only your and your husband’s love were strong enough to heal furniture. Like some people’s.

  2. Can I just say, you sure know how to share a story, and I LOVE it. Usually after I read one of your posts, I think, I should do that, share some of the funny conversations I have in the day. But then I can NEVER remember. So I love this, it’s fun. My husband and I have similar odd quirks of discussion that often lead to one or more of us walking off shaking our head in amusement (or equal parts discust, LOL). But my husband, he has this really odd quirk. He spends his free time having conversations in his head, you know, preparing for when the real deal happens. And he plays both parts. There is one HUGE flaw in his plan…the other person’s part rarely goes how he plans, and then it throws him all off. I laugh my head off at him every time he tells me. He always feels compelled after the fact to let me know how he thought it should go vs how it did go.

    Okay rambling…
    .-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Small town regret =-.

  3. I think I love you guys. Room for a third in that marriage? No?

    You’ve reminded me of the time back in grad school where I was all geeking out on this totally awesome conversation D and I had had about his neuro patients and my audiology stuff and how each of us had taught the other some new stuff, and my classmate stopped me, all appalled and “omg, you TALK about that with each other,” and I’m like “um, you DON’T? what else is there?” I still imagine her and her now-hubby sitting silently at the dinner table, occasionally pausing to schmoopy each other. Non-geeks must live a boring life.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..word of the day 150/365: smile =-.

  4. I was reading something Mark Twain wrote about humorous stories, and it made me think of you. If you haven’t read his book about how to tell stories, just read the first few pages. You have a gift. Love it.
    I remember my mom saying she needed to get a new registry after about 10 years. And, things are breaking here too. But boring stuff, like plates and sheets. Maybe it’s time to start planning here too.
    What would my vows be now… hmmm….In sleeplessness, in giggles, in sun and in shade, in good jobs and crappy ones, acknowledging that life will get crazier and busier and more exciting, and noticing the small moments of calm. And enjoying the moments of of conversation that only the two of us can share.

  5. That was wonderful to read. Reminded me that with both of you having medical degrees, conversations must be off the Richter scale.

    Hilarious and adorable stuff.

  6. Hey there-what is osteopenia? My middle daughter has the ‘hunched back’ problem and when you said, “I fixed it” I wanna know how. 🙂 You guys make a great couple by the way! In a good way, of course.

    1. Osteopenia is bone loss but not as far advanced as osteoporosis. Because with increased calcium intake you can actually reverse osteopenia. It’s like a big CAUTION sign. I wasn’t actually hunched over but the hunching is often because of osteoporotic bone loss. My GUESS is your daughter has bad posture or scoliosis. So she should talk to her doctor about it and the doc may suggest a bone scan to see if she has bone loss or bracing if she has scoliosis. Or a book on her head.

  7. Kudos to you for remembering your conversations. I rarely do. Old age? Lack of iron? Who knows. But I’m glad you do, so I get to laugh and get on with my day with a smile on my face. Even on hard days like this.

    Oh, I can just see your vow renewal. There’s definitely going to be a zombie or two somewhere. It’s going to be a riot! 🙂

  8. Haha, your dinner table sounds quite entertaining. I haven’t gotten to my first vows just yet, but I’m sure we’ll want to renew later on. 🙂
    .-= Jaina´s last blog ..All Stars =-.

  9. Oh great, can we get free medical advice from Scott? (or you?)

    My friend broke all of her chairs like that and they now sit with boards under their butts. Avoid the weave.

  10. I’ve always wanted a chance to get a bridal registry, b/c I was overseas when we got married and they don’t do registries there. Renewing vows might be the way?!

    What a great idea. This time your children can be there at your ceremony – so sweet!
    .-= Only You´s last blog ..Free to be Happy =-.

  11. Haha. Love it! If Heidi Klum and Seal can do the vow-renewal in costume every year, I think y’all totally can too!! 😉

  12. How do I remember these conversations?

    I’ve started using my voice memos app. (you have an iPhone, right? RIGHT??)

    Which created another funny conversation about me recording into my phone instead of talking to my family. They have NO priorities.

  13. In straight back or hunched back. In wholeness or half-eaten. Until old man-ness do you part.
    I see it’s time for us to redo those vows…28 years in sept. We actually did do a private renewal at 20, but in the last 8 years, we’ve come to terms with the above vows! Funny post! Read the post below about your child peeing on the deck. I have now grown sons, but I used to catch them peein in the back yard all the time…I can only imagine what the neighbors thought!

  14. I’ve done that to a chair like that before! I sit with one leg tucked under the other ALL the time. Other people find it weird and irritating, but do you want to know what is REALLY weird and irritating? People who are all up in my sitting habits. I mean, what? My sitting quirk is going to ruin that shrine you were creating or something? Yeah, I didn’t THINK so.

    Also? I totally forgot what I was going to say when I started this comment so I’ll just say, “You totally left out the part about promising to walk out of the room for the really nasty farts, and promising to teach the boys to pee onto the grass instead of the deck.” I mean, there’s vows and then there’s true love and romance.
    .-= GuiltySquid´s last blog ..My fingers turned blue, I stole my doctor’s cell phone number and I’m pretty sure WebMD is responsible for Natasha Richardson’s death. I could just be wrong on that last part. The heading was ambiguous, y’all. =-.

  15. My husband and I have been going through a rough patch, so I’ve been kinda thinking about renewing our vows when/if we make it through. But I also think that’s a bit cheesy, however, if it meant we could register for more stuff… I’d start planning that party right now! HAHA!
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..I don’t accept “Boys will be boys” =-.

  16. Question: If you’re not married but have three kids together already and then decide to get married, and the wedding registry be exclusively cash? Because THAT might be just the thing to persuade me to get married. (Oh, and write some good vows.)

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