Why Old Men Should Stay Home. Or At Least Not Talk To Me.

My neighbor is mowing her lawn over the weekend.

A white Buick driven by an OLD MAN pulls up. He stops, rolls down the passenger side window and yells: YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE DOING THAT.

She stops her mower, walks over to him and replies: This is his 40th birthday present.

That seems to satisfy the old guy and he drives away.

Other possible responses:

  • I’m a lesbian and the butch one.
  • What? What? WHAT? {repeat until he leaves. or goes insane.}
  • He’s too sore after the strip club
  • Bite me.
  • Are you a penis doctor?
  • Oh, my husband’s inside breastfeeding the baby. {wink}
  • My husband is dead.  And I need to mow the lawn for after the service today.  Thanks.
  • {in your best southern accent} Well, sir, I just got tired of being barefoot and pregnant.
  • I’m not mowing the lawn. Did you take your meds today? Because I’m really not mowing it.
  • {flash him.  demand beads.}

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

28 thoughts on “Why Old Men Should Stay Home. Or At Least Not Talk To Me.

  1. Love it! I vote for either the breastfeeding one or telling him your husband is dead – both responses are guaranteed to make a nosy old man completely uncomfortable.

  2. Excellent rebuttals, none of which I would have fished out in the heat of the moment. I always seem to be better an hour later.

    That said, however, it’d better be my husband doing it. Or one of my four perfectly capable sons. Not because they have penises, but because division of labor is my department, and I have chosen the nice, cool kitchen, not the 100 degree, 98% humidity yard.
    .-= the Mother´s last blog ..No Time? =-.

  3. Hilarious! I love all of your answers! And I’m not a fan of old people in general anyway, so I totally agree that they should stay home (and not talk to me).

    I wonder if the woman knew him? That would make it a little better – if he was just teasing her. But if he was actually a complete stranger? That is really weird. What an ass.

  4. Well, that was bold of him. How I wish you’d had the chance to return the favor! If I’d overheard it, I probably would have been responding on her behalf – bad idea, I know. Which is why I’d be more popular if I talked less. 🙂
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..pomp and circumstance =-.

  5. I’m thinking he wouldn’t have expressed his opinion if she’d been mowing in her bikini (like I do.)

    and you forgot “hey, old guy, ZIP IT!…or you can get your butt out of the buick and rev up this craftsman till you get the job done. – and don’t forget to come back with the clippers and get the edges – i don’t CARE if you have arthritis!”

    p.s. true, I don’t actually have a front yard… and a bikini with my current body would seriously frighten the neighbors, but now that I think about it, that might be a good thing. hmmm….

  6. I hate nosy people and busy bodies in general…they don’t even have to be old. Which is why I have decided that I am going to be deaf while I’m pregnant so I don’t have to listen to all the unsolicited advice AND carry a fly swatter for the overzealous, wanna be tummy feelers. hey, it was either that or a knife. Figure far less likely to go to jail with a fly swatter.

    As for that old man, I would have said something really shocking like, “Oh he would usually, but he is busy filming a porno with my mom and sister in the house.” And just stood there to see the look on his face.

  7. 1. My husband always DID mow the lawn until the accident. Someone yelled at him from their car and surprised him so much he mowed his foot off.
    2. Yeah he should also perform his other marital duties but he doesn’t do those either.
    3. DADDY!!! I’m so glad you finally came home!!

    But yours are funnier. Especially the breastfeeding one.

    A man once pulled his car over to tell my shirtless mowing father that he was the hairiest man he had ever seen. Dad’s response “Well I’m hairy but I’m not an ape and this isn’t the zoo, so move on.”

  8. Got to love anyone with a quick wit like that! My crazy neighbor probably would have taught him a few new words….she could teach drunken sailors new words!

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