My neighbor is mowing her lawn over the weekend.
A white Buick driven by an OLD MAN pulls up. He stops, rolls down the passenger side window and yells: YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE DOING THAT.
She stops her mower, walks over to him and replies: This is his 40th birthday present.
That seems to satisfy the old guy and he drives away.
Other possible responses:
- I’m a lesbian and the butch one.
- What? What? WHAT? {repeat until he leaves. or goes insane.}
- He’s too sore after the strip club
- Bite me.
- Are you a penis doctor?
- Oh, my husband’s inside breastfeeding the baby. {wink}
- My husband is dead. And I need to mow the lawn for after the service today. Thanks.
- {in your best southern accent} Well, sir, I just got tired of being barefoot and pregnant.
- I’m not mowing the lawn. Did you take your meds today? Because I’m really not mowing it.
- {flash him. demand beads.}
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
LOFL!! You killed me with the breast feeding one!!!
Well, with all of them really.
There is so much fun inside a person’s head just dying to get out (-’
While any of those responses would have been stellar, I am particularly tickled by the breastfeeding one. Too much fun.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..For Love of Harriet
Love it! I vote for either the breastfeeding one or telling him your husband is dead – both responses are guaranteed to make a nosy old man completely uncomfortable.
Excellent rebuttals, none of which I would have fished out in the heat of the moment. I always seem to be better an hour later.
That said, however, it’d better be my husband doing it. Or one of my four perfectly capable sons. Not because they have penises, but because division of labor is my department, and I have chosen the nice, cool kitchen, not the 100 degree, 98% humidity yard.
the Mother´s last blog ..No Time?
Twitter: mommyofamonster
May 25, 2010 at 9:26 am
Sounds like something that would’ve happened to me, but like your neighbor, I wouldn’t be able to come up with a quick, witty response! Love the lesbian one!
Natalie´s last blog ..Odds ‘N Ends
1. “And your wife should be driving.”
2.” Does your wife know you’re out of the house again?”
3. “Why don’t you show me how it’s done.”
Walt´s last blog ..Crash and Burn
I love the B-feeding one the best!
Hilarious! I love all of your answers! And I’m not a fan of old people in general anyway, so I totally agree that they should stay home (and not talk to me).
I wonder if the woman knew him? That would make it a little better – if he was just teasing her. But if he was actually a complete stranger? That is really weird. What an ass.
OMG Alex! I read this to my class and we were all cracking up. Good job!
Penis Doctor. hahahahaaahahaha
Twitter: newdaynewlesson
May 25, 2010 at 11:07 am
What are the youngsters gonna say about us when we are old?
susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..The Kindness Club: Week 7
Twitter: TamingInsanity
May 25, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I am constantly encouraging others in the family to breastfeed our baby. Sadly, only my Father-in-law seems to find it funny. Which skeeves me out. Joke ruined.
KLZ´s last blog ..Wearing Suspenders
Absolutely I’d go with the “he would if he were alive!”
Well, that was bold of him. How I wish you’d had the chance to return the favor! If I’d overheard it, I probably would have been responding on her behalf – bad idea, I know. Which is why I’d be more popular if I talked less.
Leslie´s last blog ..pomp and circumstance
I hate busy body old ppl. I would of went with the last one and probably flashed him.
The sight of my breast would of sent him running.
I love how we all hate old people (myself included), especially opinionated or old-school ones. Maybe it’s just because being old is so, different. Soon enough, we will all know what it’s like.
The Sweetest´s last blog ..The “Momover” … About Face
Twitter: CoffeesCommutes
May 25, 2010 at 7:17 pm
I think I’d go with: Around here I wear the bra and the pants.
Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..On routines, life and strange epiphanies
The one with the funeral for the win. When in doubt I always try and make people cry. And that one would fit the bill.
tara´s last blog ..Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Accidental humor is the best.
TheKitchenWitch said:
“I am particularly tickled by the breastfeeding one.”
LMAO!!
Walt´s last blog ..Crash and Burn
Twitter: sarahcasm
May 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm
I think my knee-jerk reaction would have been “You think so? I can go get him if you want to tell him that yourself”
I like the “Bite me” response, though.
Sarah´s last blog ..Capturing moments
I’m thinking he wouldn’t have expressed his opinion if she’d been mowing in her bikini (like I do.)
and you forgot “hey, old guy, ZIP IT!…or you can get your butt out of the buick and rev up this craftsman till you get the job done. – and don’t forget to come back with the clippers and get the edges – i don’t CARE if you have arthritis!”
p.s. true, I don’t actually have a front yard… and a bikini with my current body would seriously frighten the neighbors, but now that I think about it, that might be a good thing. hmmm….
I hate nosy people and busy bodies in general…they don’t even have to be old. Which is why I have decided that I am going to be deaf while I’m pregnant so I don’t have to listen to all the unsolicited advice AND carry a fly swatter for the overzealous, wanna be tummy feelers. hey, it was either that or a knife. Figure far less likely to go to jail with a fly swatter.
As for that old man, I would have said something really shocking like, “Oh he would usually, but he is busy filming a porno with my mom and sister in the house.” And just stood there to see the look on his face.
Twitter: ReadilyAParent
May 26, 2010 at 12:46 pm
1. My husband always DID mow the lawn until the accident. Someone yelled at him from their car and surprised him so much he mowed his foot off.
2. Yeah he should also perform his other marital duties but he doesn’t do those either.
3. DADDY!!! I’m so glad you finally came home!!
But yours are funnier. Especially the breastfeeding one.
A man once pulled his car over to tell my shirtless mowing father that he was the hairiest man he had ever seen. Dad’s response “Well I’m hairy but I’m not an ape and this isn’t the zoo, so move on.”
Twitter: alonewithcats
May 26, 2010 at 11:12 pm
“I’m a lesbian” is a risky response, because it could make you vulnerable to the dirty-old-man response of “Can I watch?”
OMG. I am dying here. All of those responses were the GREATEST EVER. And I am so in favor of husband’s breastfeeding babies. Why won’t mine comply?