I nearly run through the heavy door. The waiting area is carpeted in the shade of blue that doesn’t quite register without a second glance. An older woman and her walker sit to my right. And I think a man in his fifties is by the door, but I am desperately trying not to make eye contact. I elbow my way to the receptionist. She’s a middle-aged woman in round tortoiseshell eyeglasses.
Receptionist: May I help you?
Me: Yes. I have… well… THIS.
I place an indistinct white bag on counter. The receptionist blinks.
Me: Okay, well, I have a specimen… In here… Of SPERM. {I begin speaking too fast} My husband had a vasectomy and we want to know if it worked and I was already on my way to the gynecologist so I thought that I should drop it off and…
Receptionist {interrupting}: Is the white paper in there?
Me: I don’t know. I haven’t looked. {grimacing}
The receptionist blinks again. So I glance. Into the bag. Carrying the cup of man juice.
Me: No white paper. Just spunk.
Receptionist: Well, is his name on it?
Me: Wouldn’t it be weird if his name WAS on each one? Like little sperm branding!
Receptionist {exacerbated}: Is it on the cup?
Oh. Back into the baby batter bag I go.
I pull out the cup and see that it already has his name on it, but I don’t want to KEEP PULLING OUT SEMEN. So I ask: Should it say anything else? Like jizz? Or ‘don’t get me pregnant please’?
Receptionist: No! Just fill this out.
I do as I’m told (SURPRISED?) and am directed to the white plastic SPECIMENS basket. A cup of urine is waiting to keep the man chowder company.
Me: Do I take the cup out of the bag?
Receptionist {horrified}: NO!
Me and the man seed lean in real close to the receptionist: EXCUSE ME, MA’AM? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU WORK AT A PENIS DOCTOR’S OFFICE?
The end. Of the most awkward errand ever. But mostly for the receptionist.
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re excellently funny. I just giggled through this whole post. Wonderful way to end my too long, too blech day.
Kate´s last blog .."woozle poo is a very dignified name"
Twitter: guiltysquid
May 20, 2010 at 12:42 am
Ok, that’s pretty freaking funny.
I think I’m really going to like you. Saying inappropriate things to people at inappropriate times? It’s TOTALLY what I do. Also what I encourage others to do on a regular basis for my own amusement, but that’s usually a hit or miss arrangement.
PENIS DOCTOR’S OFFICE??
Awesome.
GuiltySquid´s last blog ..It was great until I decided to go to Florida. Or why I make a lousy reference.
Did you really say “no, just spunk”? Because it would be awesome if you did. Spunky, even.
stayathomemd´s last blog ..I’m so happy when you dance with me
How did she not even crack a smile when you said “spunk?” Noooo sense of humor.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Five for Ten: Lust
I can’t believe she didn’t at least try to stifle a laugh.
And,yes, extremely awkward errand, but excellent fodder for us!
Loved it!
Alexandra´s last blog ..Lost In Translation
Twitter: SeriousKrystyn
May 20, 2010 at 8:58 am
That is freaking awesome! I don’t think my husband would have the courage to carry his baby makers in a bag to the doctor’s office! That poor receptionist!
PS My N got yet another black eye yesterday in the exact same spot. Please send the bubble wrap suit when you are done with it…I need her to have it at school.
Krystyn´s last blog ..Reunion Coffee Review and Giveaway
Twitter: marthawood
May 20, 2010 at 9:41 am
Oh my god. Did you actually say all of that? LMAO. Love it, and you are my hero. I always think stuff like that, but never really say it. Especially the part about working for a penis doctor.
Martha´s last blog ..Apparently being a douche makes Anderson Cooper an expert on racism
Oh man, that’s the best story ever. And it’s made even more awkward by the fact that I will be seeing your husband tomorrow for my kid’s 18 month checkup. Yay Internet!!!!
Valerie´s last blog ..18 months
Great post. It brought back odd memories when I went to my “Penis Doctor”. Pretty straight forward. Banged out a batch fresh from The Tap. The cup was still…..um…..warm. The pre-op exam was awkward as hell. Standing there with trough dropped the Doc sat and examined my Junk to see if there were problems. I was thinking, “Wow, I’m two steps away from a really nice blow job. Gee, he’s got nice hair.”
Walt´s last blog ..The History of Crew Chiefs
I’m thinking that if you work at “that” kinda doctor office you need to lighten the fuck up. For real.
Too freakin funny. Sooooooooooo, did it take or what? You can’t just leave ppl hanging.
soccermom´s last blog ..HONESTY Award
Hilarious! A penis doctor’s office?! Too funny!
ShannonL´s last blog ..Five for Ten: YES!
Twitter: IHaveLanded
May 20, 2010 at 11:24 am
What is it with these people and their sense of humor – or the lack thereof? I would be so thrilled to be in a penis doctor’s office. So much material to mine…for my stand up comic gig based solely on my job!
Justine´s last blog ..Soap in my mouth
He really owes you. He should buy you tampons every day.
OMG OMG that is fantastic. Do you know that you work in a penis doctor’s office? Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff? This needs to be made into a commercial for vasectomies or something.
When my dad got a vasectomy, he also got a free t-shirt that said, “All Juice. No seeds.” I guess his drs. office had a little more sense of humor about the whole thing.
Oh you are kidding me! Hahahah! I have to send this to a friend in MOPS. She use to work at a “penis doctor’s” office. Hummm…wonder if she was the receptionist…
Chara´s last blog .."Get Your Motor Runnin’…"
Twitter: AgingMommy
May 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm
HILARIOUS!! My friend’s husband just got “treated” last Friday and she went with him. She said sitting in the waiting room there was the best entertainment she has had in a long time, and proceeded to tell me all about her encounters!
I am continually surprised by the unfortunate lack of spunk exhibited by medical receptionists. You’d think they’d have seen it all by now, huh?
The Mother´s last blog ..I Know You All Want Answers
HAAA ! I love the man juice! And yes, it would be funny if his name were on every one of them!!
OMGoodness. Did you seriously say spunk?
Leslie´s last blog ..When “Yes” is not my favorite answer
Twitter: jennytalia2009
May 20, 2010 at 8:36 pm
She’s in the wrong job if she can’t joke about the jizz
Jenny Talia´s last blog ..complaints department
Sooo funny! When I had to drop off my husband’s sample for fertility testing, I carried it between my boobs so it wouldn’t catch a chill. When I took it out to hand it to the receptionist she was all ::blink blink blink:: and then? She laughed so hard she actually fell out of her chair.
I do believe I got the better receptionist.
Twitter: newdaynewlesson
May 20, 2010 at 10:32 pm
LMAO!. Now I know why Naomi at Organic Motherhood thinks you are a coolwhip queen!
Susie@newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Good Manners Makes All The Difference
Twitter: theloushe
May 20, 2010 at 10:43 pm
You’ve just made me SO glad that I didn’t run this errand for my hubby. And seriously? The receptionist was a) that clueless about what you might be bringing in, and b) horrified by spooge? SERIOUSLY?
Crossing fingers for a nice no-swimmers verdict for you!
Twitter: blogmom221
May 21, 2010 at 5:43 am
You have a wicked sense of humor! If I had to run this errand for my husband I would have been bright red and laughing the whole time. I loved your post over at OMWC.
Joy´s last blog ..How to Score Beach Reads for Less (for vacation bookaholics)
Twitter: omgswetapants
May 21, 2010 at 7:35 am
NIICe way to start off my blog reading session.More than nice.you are EFFIN’ Hilarious,ha!also,did you REALLY say spunk?
Sweta´s last blog ..This is what happens if you spend too much time online..
The Mother said:”I am continually surprised by the unfortunate lack of spunk exhibited by medical receptionists. ”
Ok I just peed myself laughing. PD receptionist’s “Lack of Spunk”????? Oh shit…..laughing agaginininin….
Walt´s last blog ..The History of Crew Chiefs
I’m with Marinka – your hubby needs to buy your tampons for you!! Hilarious post.
Cecilia´s last blog ..They support one another, because that is what people are supposed to do
Twitter: mommyofamonster
May 21, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Been there, done that. Without the snarky receptionist! We had to go through fertility treatments to I’ve had a few awkward errands like this!!
And you know what? Hubby’s still never bought me tampons. This situation must be rectified!
Over from Organic Motherhood…Following you now
Natalie´s last blog ..Trucker Mouths & Flip Offs
Why thank you for that Alex Late Enough. You have just made my evening.
‘No, just spunk’. I want to be able to go to the penis doctors and say that dammit!
Gappy´s last blog ..Occasionally I am too sad to write…
haha, great post…
staciesmadness´s last blog ..DeWyze Choice
It’s tragic to come into contact with people who can’t take a joke…any kind of joke.
And they’re stealing our air!!
Heather (qtberryhead)´s last blog ..You Are Unique…Just Like Everyone Else.
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