sperm with sunglasses

The Most Awkward Errand Ever

sperm with sunglassesI nearly run through the heavy door. The waiting area is carpeted in the shade of blue that doesn’t quite register without a second glance. An older woman and her walker sit to my right. And I think a man in his fifties is by the door, but I am desperately trying not to make eye contact. I elbow my way to the receptionist. She’s a middle-aged woman in round tortoiseshell eyeglasses.

Receptionist: May I help you?

Me: Yes. I have… well… THIS.

I place an indistinct white bag on counter. The receptionist blinks.

Me: Okay, well, I have a specimen… In here… Of SPERM. {I begin speaking too fast} My husband had a vasectomy and we want to know if it worked and I was already on my way to the gynecologist so I thought that I should drop it off and…

Receptionist {interrupting}: Is the white paper in there?

Me: I don’t know. I haven’t looked. {grimacing}

The receptionist blinks again. So I glance. Into the bag. Carrying the cup of man juice.

Me: No white paper. Just spunk.

Receptionist: Well, is his name on it?

Me: Wouldn’t it be weird if his name WAS on each one? Like little sperm branding!

Receptionist {exacerbated}: Is it on the cup?

Oh. Back into the baby batter bag I go.

I pull out the cup and see that it already has his name on it, but I don’t want to KEEP PULLING OUT SEMEN. So I ask: Should it say anything else? Like jizz? Or ‘don’t get me pregnant please’?

Receptionist: No! Just fill this out.

I do as I’m told (SURPRISED?) and am directed to the white plastic SPECIMENS basket. A cup of urine is waiting to keep the man chowder company.

Me: Do I take the cup out of the bag?

Receptionist {horrified}: NO!

Me and the man seed lean in real close to the receptionist: EXCUSE ME, MA’AM? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU WORK AT A PENIS DOCTOR’S OFFICE?

The end. Of the most awkward errand ever. But mostly for the receptionist.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

43 thoughts on “The Most Awkward Errand Ever

  1. That is freaking awesome! I don’t think my husband would have the courage to carry his baby makers in a bag to the doctor’s office! That poor receptionist!

    PS My N got yet another black eye yesterday in the exact same spot. Please send the bubble wrap suit when you are done with it…I need her to have it at school.
    .-= Krystyn´s last blog ..Reunion Coffee Review and Giveaway =-.

  2. Oh man, that’s the best story ever. And it’s made even more awkward by the fact that I will be seeing your husband tomorrow for my kid’s 18 month checkup. Yay Internet!!!!
    .-= Valerie´s last blog ..18 months =-.

  3. Great post. It brought back odd memories when I went to my “Penis Doctor”. Pretty straight forward. Banged out a batch fresh from The Tap. The cup was still…..um…..warm. The pre-op exam was awkward as hell. Standing there with trough dropped the Doc sat and examined my Junk to see if there were problems. I was thinking, “Wow, I’m two steps away from a really nice blow job. Gee, he’s got nice hair.”
    .-= Walt´s last blog ..The History of Crew Chiefs =-.

  4. I’m thinking that if you work at “that” kinda doctor office you need to lighten the fuck up. For real.

    Too freakin funny. Sooooooooooo, did it take or what? You can’t just leave ppl hanging.
    .-= soccermom´s last blog ..HONESTY Award =-.

  5. What is it with these people and their sense of humor – or the lack thereof? I would be so thrilled to be in a penis doctor’s office. So much material to mine…for my stand up comic gig based solely on my job!
    .-= Justine´s last blog ..Soap in my mouth =-.

  6. OMG OMG that is fantastic. Do you know that you work in a penis doctor’s office? Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff? This needs to be made into a commercial for vasectomies or something.

    When my dad got a vasectomy, he also got a free t-shirt that said, “All Juice. No seeds.” I guess his drs. office had a little more sense of humor about the whole thing.

  7. HILARIOUS!! My friend’s husband just got “treated” last Friday and she went with him. She said sitting in the waiting room there was the best entertainment she has had in a long time, and proceeded to tell me all about her encounters!

  8. Sooo funny! When I had to drop off my husband’s sample for fertility testing, I carried it between my boobs so it wouldn’t catch a chill. When I took it out to hand it to the receptionist she was all ::blink blink blink:: and then? She laughed so hard she actually fell out of her chair.

    I do believe I got the better receptionist.

  9. You’ve just made me SO glad that I didn’t run this errand for my hubby. And seriously? The receptionist was a) that clueless about what you might be bringing in, and b) horrified by spooge? SERIOUSLY?

    Crossing fingers for a nice no-swimmers verdict for you!

  10. The Mother said:”I am continually surprised by the unfortunate lack of spunk exhibited by medical receptionists. ”
    Ok I just peed myself laughing. PD receptionist’s “Lack of Spunk”????? Oh shit…..laughing agaginininin….
    .-= Walt´s last blog ..The History of Crew Chiefs =-.

  11. Been there, done that. Without the snarky receptionist! We had to go through fertility treatments to I’ve had a few awkward errands like this!!
    And you know what? Hubby’s still never bought me tampons. This situation must be rectified!
    Over from Organic Motherhood…Following you now 🙂
    .-= Natalie´s last blog ..Trucker Mouths & Flip Offs =-.

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