I am a music loser.
How do I know? Let’s see. I only like songs that I already know all the words to. Making new music difficult, if not impossible, to like.
I also love the song All Star by Smash Mouth and work it into my life as much as possible. Me: E! You went down the BIG slide! HEY NOW! YOU’RE AN ALL STAR! GET YOUR GAME ON! GO PLAY!
I was once music cool. Maybe music TOO COOL. I only liked bands that were NOT on the radio. I started listening to Phish in 1993. And stopped when ONE SONG off ONE ALBUM (Hoist) was on the radio. I actually went through a phase in 1993-94 where I would ONLY listen to oldies stations. Any song that came out during my sophomore year of high school? I do NOT know it. At all. (Thus, relegating it to the I don’t know the lyrics so I won’t listen to it group.)
I went from hippie Phish to Ska to Hip Hop. And then I fell off the planet. Seriously. I just stopped listening to new music.
My theory? I had surrounded myself with the music cool. And when I went through my loner phase, I lost all music credibility. Because all my cred was through other people having good taste.
And perhaps my redeeming quality is that I recognize other people’s good taste. But when left alone, I don’t even know where to start. I’m at baseline a music loser.
At first, I tried to fake it. Oh yeah THAT GUY rules. His song ABOUT LOVE and the DANCE CLUB is awesome. (If I say the possible themes really loud, I get double the credit. Also if I slur them. Then ABOUT LOVE is also ABOUT CHUB which covers two major song themes in one loud, slurry, music cool phrase.)
But it’s just too little too late. I heard Lady Gaga for the first time last month because a BLOG had a video of hers up. I had to GOOGLE Justin Bieber. And only because he is ALWAYS trending on Twitter and I wanted to know: WHO ARE YOU TWITTER MAN? And the saddest for me is that I recognize NO SONGS on our local underground radio station.
But I’ve just decided to SUCK IT UP and accept my music loser status. I’m just not a music person.
If someone wants to tutor me, I can clearly pick out good music. (Yes I can SCOTT.) But I can’t find it.
And as I am dancing to new Black Eyed Peas (which is a band that I cannot STAND (because I know good taste) but brought my kids from HYSTERICS to gentle boogies so I am ROCKING OUT with the head bob) in my white mini-minivan (it’s pretty small) with my two children in the back and food stuck in three places on my shirt, I realize. I’m lame. Whether I get down to Erica Badu or the latest unknown band, I’m still lame.
No kid watches her mom dance and sing and think: WOW. COOL. Well, maybe at first. And by AT FIRST, I mean until they are five. And then they will realize that mama can’t dance even if she can.
I will never be music cool in the eyes of my children. I will call a song AWESOME and they will roll their eyes. (Because who says AWESOME anymore?) And if I listen to the local pop station, my kids will like the alternative station. And if I listen to the alternative station, my kids will like hip hop. And if I listen to the hip hop station, my kids (god-forbid) will like country. And I will not listen to that station EVER.
I’ll just listen to my eighteen Pink Floyd CDs and have an angst-ridden sing-a-long. All by myself. Queen of Music Loser Land.
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