If You Have A Barney Tattoo, Don’t Despair. He’s About To Go Cool

Barney and Friends first aired in 1992. I’m an eighth grader heading into high school. The perfect age to hate a GIANT PURPLE DINOSAUR WHO LOVES EVERYTHING. And I remember how cool Sesame Street, Smurfs and Care Bears are. I KNOW that no show will be an kitchy. I laugh anytime Barney is schooled, beaten up, or otherwise humiliated. I cry when I hear that awful theme song. I love NO ONE in my family. I’m far too busy hanging out with my friends!

And even today I have trouble letting my son watch Barney and Friends. I am afraid he’ll like it. He’ll sing that song. He’ll smile in a constant FREAKY way. He’ll lose all sense of rhythm. And that 13 year old girl in me, who still glares at preppy kids, can’t handle it.

Until last night. When my son broke out in song:
Punk Rock Barney theme song

So I created Punk Rock Barney!

I hope PBS is paying attention. The uncool yet wanna-be-cool parents (ME AND SCOTT) would TOTALLY FORCE our children to watch Punk Rock Barney or PRB. (It needs an acronym to retain a full coolness factor.)

PRB will have TONS OF ADVENTURES. He’s the lead guitarist in a band. He tours the world (probably Europe and some random hole in the wall bars throughout the United States run by friends of friends) but learns to say NO TO DRUGS (straight edge baby). He considers getting his fourth tattoo but decides that three is enough. He falls in angst-y love with a preppy rich girl. But then comes to his sense and becomes soul mates with Alterna-Dino Girl (ADG). They stay up until four in the morning gazing into each others’ eyes. They get matching Mohawks. They mosh. And eventually, they break up because PRB needs his SPACE. He’s a MUSICIAN and must be angst-y and forlorn to PLAY. But he writes one hundred songs about ADG. And we all know that they will ALWAYS LOVE EACH OTHER. Life just sucks that way.

This is SUCH A HIT! My son will love it. Let’s make it happen, people!

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

25 thoughts to “If You Have A Barney Tattoo, Don’t Despair. He’s About To Go Cool”

  1. That giggly chuckle makes me want to crawl under the couch.
    I have something even less cool than the original Barney. Meet Bernie, the imported Barney knockoff, which is apparently the best we could do for my baby sister circa 1992. My husband was the first one to recognize him as a fake Fendi (apologies for the Sex And the City reference if you aren’t a fan). Jack loves Bernie just the same. And I’m okay with it – the genuine article might have come with batteries!
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..House lust =-.

  2. Totally on board with PRB. It came to my attention recently that my son has, in fact, watched Barney. It was kind of how I imagine finding out your kid has tried cigarettes would be – I felt disappointment in his judgment, fear for his future, and told him never, NEVER to do that again.
    .-= jamie´s last blog ..A New Spin on Saying No =-.

  3. PRB Rocks. But that’s redundant. I too have festered a hatred of all things Barney. I find myself drawn to PRB. He should have van and as he and the band go from gig to gig they’d solve murders and mysteries.
    .-= Walt´s last blog ..Shuttle Fini Flights =-.

  4. I remember that damn barney guy. I was so glad when my kids out grew him and his posse.

    Sorry I can’t be on board for “Barney”. He still drives me nuts. lol

  5. I don’t let Barney in my house. Even with tatts. Just a little nauseated thinking about that purple beast. Who knew you could ruin a color and dinos so easily? Ug.
    But it would be great to mix things up a bit, I mean punk kids need a show they can relate to!

  6. My oldest child hated Barney – I was thrilled. My youngest could take him or leave him – I was ok with that. My oldest taught the youngest a song about Barney getting shot and he died. Youngest proceeded to sing it to best friend who lived down the street…kid down the street cried, was traumatized. I think my label as the cool mom on the block dropped a few notches…oh well, saved on the groceries since I didn’t have to buy as much kool aid and snacks! Love this version of
    Barney…or let’s say he is a new and improved Barney that I could tolerate!

  7. Barney gives me a migrane. Yet both my children loved him. Thankfully they are pretty much over him. I don’t know if the Barney Dart Board or Barney Voodoo Dolls are responsible, but I’m thanking both of them all the same. PRB, on the other hand, sounds like a real winner. Go PRB!

  8. You mean Barney is still around? OMG, I HATED him! That song made my skin crawl. Luckily, Annie (who was the kid who was in Barney’s era; the other one is too old) is a genius who only watched “Bill Nye, the Science Guy.” WHO BY THE WAY I RECOGNIZED IN A RESTAURANT IN LA JUST TWO WEEKS AGO. I think I am the only person IN THE WORLD who would recognize the Science Guy in mufti! molly
    .-= molly campbell´s last blog ..RECIPE FOR DISASTER =-.

  9. Barney doesn’t make an appearance in our house. Once, at my parents’, Barney was about to come on so I started the search for the remote. My mom says “Letting her watch it once won’t kill you” But my daughter, my dear lovely 3yo(at the time) daughter, thrusts her finger towards the screen and starts marching around and chanting “NO, I don’t like Barney” – even though she had never seen it. Then yesterday actually, my other daughter – 4yo – brought a coloring sheet home from preschool to show me. “Ooo good job coloring in Barney” I praise, she replies “Who’s Barney?” I’ve gotta say, I felt a twinge of bizarre pride.

    I will confess that my husband would still not let PRB in the house either. Despite the fact that he was in a punk band when I met him, he doesn’t want our kids exposed to the punk culture yet. I don’t quite get it, but whatevs. He’d always try to distract the kids when the highschooler a few doors down would walk by with her friends with their mowhawks, chains and torn plaid skirts (tho I suspect that this is somewhat do the the poseuresque quality of the get up) I still find it humorous.
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..Almost there =-.

  10. I am afraid to let my son watch Barney for the same reason…that he’ll like him! I can stand behind PRB though!

  11. I’m a little older than you. Barney was hitting his peak right after I graduated from high school and spent my summer working at a daycare. Where the sound of “I love you, you love me” THREE TIMES A DAY set my nerves on edge like nothing else.

    Which is probably why I almost broke my ankle leaping over a pile of toys, lunging across the couch and grabbing the remote when I heard the opening bars the other day.

    My son looked at me like I’d gone insane.

    Elizabeth said, “Gaah?”

    And my home was once again secured against the purple dino.

    PRB? I don’t know. I may be too traumatized.
    .-= Mandy´s last blog ..Public Nursing =-.

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