N with E's undies

If My Family Had Genetic Disorder, It’d Be Underwear Obsession Dysmorphia (UOD)

Our family has a bizarre obsession with underwear. Well, mostly me. And my daughter. (Which worries me. On many, many, levels.)

My son just avoids it at all costs.

Tweet: E refuses to wear underwear. AGAIN.

(My husband is a no comment. Mostly because it’s no funny comment.)

For those who have known me since I had boobs, you already know that I ALWAYS had matching underwear and bra. And not the red and black undies with a black bra. I needed THE SET. And if I was running high on laundry and low on matching sets? I went braless. I just couldn’t handle it. Seriously. (Which is why everyone who knew me, knew.)

It wasn’t until FORCED BY PREGNANCY and breasts that grew into watermelons with nipples that I had to back off this strange obsession. I could not justify buying eight bras when my chest size changed every month. And I DARED not go braless. (I could’ve lost an EYE.)

And when it came to NURSING BRAS? Well, I was terrified of underwire because IT MIGHT AFFECT MY BREAST MILK SUPPLY. (Thanks La Leche League) And the most exciting non-underwire nursing bra? White cotton with BLACK AND RED DESIGNS ON THE INSIDE to stimulate my breastfeeding babies MIND. (And why do the nursing bra models have that come hither look? Seriously. Your boobs are like rocks made of milk in a big cotton sack with plastic clips. And you are complete numb from the waist down from fear that you might get pregnant again and have to PUSH A BABY OUT OF YOUR VA-JAY-JAY.)

So I gave in and let go of my UOD. With another pregnancy eleven months after weaning E, I have never gone back. (Sorry Scott.)

So you’re thinking: Your one year old daughter wears diapers. How do YOU KNOW if she carries UOD?

Well, I KNOW that she’s still wearing diapers because yesterday, Sally Dog and N were having a contest on who could poop the biggest, smelliest, and most often. N won.

But I also KNOW that N has UOD. And here is my scientific proof:

N and my bra
Do you see that look? DON’T MESS WITH THIS BRA, MAMA. UNLESS YOU’RE GIVING ME UNDIES.
N with E's undies
And without her own set of underwear, she is forced to carry E’s around.
N dragging E's undies around
Like a flag. A flag of suffering. UOD is real, people.

My remedy was to get pregnant, and I’m kinda hoping that N will wait a few decades.

So I’ve been moving some college savings into the Victoria’s Secret fund. It’s not tax-deductible but maybe we’ll qualify for disability.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

21 thoughts to “If My Family Had Genetic Disorder, It’d Be Underwear Obsession Dysmorphia (UOD)”

  1. At least the genetic disorder you’ve passed on to your offspring is HILARIOUS. As long as they can laugh at it, they stand a good chance of surviving in this harsh world.

  2. LOL 🙂 I think UOD is a kind of nice obsession to have – for example, if I had it, I wouldn’t be shopping for my underwear at Costco. And better your daughter than your son! Ack…now that you mention it, I think maybe my son has it…he HAS to match his underpants to his pajamas and whatever he plans to wear to school the next day. He has a major meltdown if I give him the “wrong” underpants. You’re right – this is a real disease if reading about it makes you think you have it too!
    .-= Cecilia´s last blog ..My First Mother’s Day… =-.

  3. Too, too funny!
    Nursing bras. I hate them. Just when you need more support, just when you want to separate those huge things from your huge tummy… well. Ug.
    My girls display a different obsession. Both, at a young age would sift through the laundry, looking for bras and panties and wear them over their heads. Both – and the more of each, the better. When it came time to wear her own, my big girl didn’t wanna. Just mine, on her head.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Teeth, houses and lifting weights =-.

  4. Me too! But alas, it has changed for me as well. I can’t pinpoint when exactly though. Sampson may have something to do with it. FYI…dogs like to eat underwear. It doesn’t matter if it’s clean or dirty. Kinda ruins the whole “set” thing. And for a long time I’d never wear cotton. Now it’s pretty much all I wear. Gosh, I feel miserable. What have I become?!
    .-= Chara´s last blog ..Week 28: Officially into Third Trimester! =-.

  5. Hmm. I do not have this problem. I take very little interest, usually, in matching undergarments. Usually, I buy tan things. Tan goes with everything.

    Maybe Victoria’s Secret ads have had a little too much effect on you? Redefine “What is sexy?” to chaotic bras and underwear are sexy, dammit! And angels are not.
    .-= Jana @ Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..Being Brave =-.

  6. I like this made-up disorder. There are definitely worse things out there.

    I hate nursing bras. I’ve always had larger boobs and the way they fit, it felt like I was carrying two watermelons that were ready to pop out anytime. My boobs just did not feel like mine in these. But then again, when we’re nursing, our boobs never feel natural. So there is that…
    .-= Justine´s last blog ..It didn’t feel like courage =-.

  7. I don’t match my underwear. Part of the reason is that most cute bras don’t come in size flat chested. ( I was still an A cup while nursing. ) And I don’t wear underwire because it is uncomfortable, so any cute bras remaining after you eliminate the ones that only come in sizes for people who actually need to wear bras, are also out. I stick with black and tan.
    .-= stayathomemd´s last blog ..Will Elena Kagan Support Gay Rights? =-.

  8. Alex, I think it’s simply WONDERFUL that you wore matching bra and panties. That you cared. Because that says alot about a person, and now that I know this about you I understand how weird you are. And how caring. I wish I had the disorder. And so does my husband, because he would love it if I would choose to go braless if I didn’t have the matching set. Men…:)
    .-= Reasonably Chubby´s last blog ..Okay, I’m Not Gonna Lie… =-.

  9. I’m impressed by this disorder, not one that I share (much to the chagrin of the nice folks at Victoria’s Secret who send me monthly catalogs despite my requests to unsubscribe). And, as a mom who’s been pregnant and/or nursing for the last 3+ years, I hear you on the nursing bra situation. As if I needed any more encouragement to feel totally unattractive…
    .-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Random Acts of Courage =-.

  10. I was going to post a pic but it appears I can’t. I don’t have matching sets. It could suggest to my husband I was feeling sexual which could lead to sex which leads to more children which leads to more peeing in pants (you and new kid) and it just goes on and on. So I stick with the stuff that I don’t ever want to be caught alive or dead in – because then I’ll keep my clothes on.

  11. Bwahahahaaha!!! Greatest post ever. I am totally applying to the government for disability via UOD. I used to have the same obsession with matching sets. I even had one in VELOUR for those cold Chicago winters. My husband never got over the velour panties though. He thought they were a practical joke. Meanwhile, now all I’ve been wearing for the past 5 years is ginormous and hideous nursing bras in colors remarkably similar to the color that puke stains white clothes. In sizes like 38F and such. Mind you I was a charming and dainty 34B before I ever got pregnant. And that was with a wonder bra. Can I get in on the Victoria’s Secret IRA? Because I think I’m going to need it whenever I finish nursing this 3 year old.

  12. Freaking hilarious! I have the opposite of UOD. I really don’t care. Is that bad?

    But, I think my youngest has it. In the last week, she has taken her diaper off twice when she wakes up in the morning. Not to awesome!
    .-= Krystyn´s last blog ..Attitude? What attitude? =-.

  13. I love this post! I always wanted to be that woman who matched, but have had too hard a time finding functional matching sets. Count yourself lucky though. All I have to do is mention the word “bra” and my pre-teen boys seem to vomit in their mouths. At least you will always have someone to shop with! I guess I’m stuck with the uglies because I am NEVER alone long enough to hit up Victoria’s Secret.

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