As Of Now, We Are Only Prepared For The Slow Moving Zombies

Over the weekend Scott asks: Can I buy a hammock?

Me: {shrugging} Sure.

Scott loves relaxing and the hammock seems a perfectly easy way to make him happy.  And here is our son enjoying the hammock.

Which turns out to be a very TEACHABLE MOMENT. Because my husband is planning on us becoming TREE PEOPLE.

Do I hear you thinking: What are tree people?

Why they’re people who live in the trees POST-APOCALYPSE. You haven’t heard of them? Well, that’s because my husband MADE THEM UP.

But they are loosely based on Sid the Science Kid, a PBS cartoon. Specifically, the pulley episode. And since there seems to be only four episodes total, you may have seen it! Or go to this link and scroll down the sidebar FOREVER until you see the pulley song. Basically, the tree people use a pulley system to bring EVERYTHING into their tree home. We, meanwhile, will be living in a hammock. In this tree:

Scott goes on to inform me that he has diagrammed the attic-to-roof and roof-to-tree ratios and the tools needed to reach the tree in case of FAST MOVING ZOMBIES.

Of course, the 28 Days Later zombies could probably make the leap to our new home, also known as a TREE, as well as we can. So we’re kinda hoping for World War Z zombies, i.e., slow flesh-eating monsters who CANNOT climb trees.

Of course, I point out: The slow zombies will pile up around the tree and then climb each other to eat us. (I’m no dummy.)

But Scott replies: Ah, but every lower branch we cut is also a SPEAR.

Point taken. But I still think battening down the hatches in a Home Depot or Target would be better. (Yes, in fact, this conversation occurs so regularly in our home that I bought my husband this t-shirt for Christmas.)

Regardless of who or what brings the apocalypse (zombies, nuclear war, the Tea Party, a giant meteor), we are prepared.

Yes, that is four gallons of water and a hand crank radio. And we are currently debating how to legally obtain strong antibiotics. I was also informed a few months ago that if we ever have work done on a wall in our home, Scott may or may not dry wall a gun into that space.

I’ll just start praying for the really really slow zombies.  Like the world being attacked by ELDERLY ZOMBIES. Since we’ll need to BREAK DOWN A WALL and LEAP INTO A TREE to survive.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

59 thoughts to “As Of Now, We Are Only Prepared For The Slow Moving Zombies”

  1. This has to be a dude thing. My husband, too, is worried about the apocalypse. He wants to raise chickens and make a garden. (Though with his work hours, he really has no time to do this and I am NOT dealing with chickens. Plus, it’s against our township’s code.)

    I actually did my master’s thesis on dystopias, which is a close cousin of apocalypse. And the movie 28 Days Later gave me nightmares for months.

    Have you read The Road? Freaky.
    .-= Jana @ Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..Pregnant in Paris =-.

  2. We are not into apocalyptic events in this house. We actually giggled all the way through 2012–but they deserved that with the killer neutrinos that set it all up. Oh, and the cell phones that worked just fine with all those neutrinos bashing around. And the towers collapsing.

    We did enjoy “Shawn of the Dead.” Do we get points for Simon Pegg?
    .-= The Mother´s last blog ..Grab the Butterfly Net! =-.

    1. So my husband laughed his way through 2012, too. You just never know which apocalyptic movie or book is going to create concern in our home. (And he also loved Shawn of the Dead)
      And yes, you can come over when the world ends and have some water… as long as you haven’t been bitten.

  3. Most definitely a guy thing! My S. was just telling about the movie “The Road” coming out on DVD soon – a post apocolypse father and son story. I think your S. and my S. should have a date night. I’ll buy the popcorn.

  4. My husband worries every time we have a storm – which here in Texas is quite often! If the winds get bad he starts making his plans and preparations for “imminent” tornados building his siege room in the downstairs bathroom……..Yes, definitely a guy thing preparing for the (un)inevitable!
    .-= Aging Mommy´s last blog ..Three Is A Magic Number =-.

  5. If your husbands like “the Road” in either book or movie format (author also wrote “all the pretty horses”- very much a guy movie) then you should buy them World War Z. they will love it. And it makes gift buying very easy for the next few holidays. I already asked for a water filter for my birthday. And I’d be more than happy with pretty much any blunt object if my wife just called it something like “A special Zombie-killing stick”

  6. Who knew a hammock could take you so far? We’re considering one, but if it means we’re living in the tree, I’m not sure. Oh heck, I like trees. And having an escape route to the tree tops might help. You never know.

  7. My oldest is reading this over my shoulder as I am and when we finish he says, “See, I told you zombies were real!”. This is why the boy is never allowed to read over my shoulder. Also, I now have a whole day coming of listening about zombies.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Blogiversary =-.

  8. Too funny. I take it you guys watch alot of horror flicks?

    I also have a box of “in case of disaster strikes” under our stairs (where we go for tornados) and It has everything from plastic gloves to canned food to flash lights and a picture of Jesus.

    We are well prepared for the “What if”.

  9. We have World War Z, Zombieland, and The Zombie Survival Guide in our house. I think your family and my family should meet and come up with a strategy on what we will do to save the world from the Zombie Apocalypse.

    It’s all up to us, I just know it.
    .-= Justine´s last blog ..My playground faux pas =-.

  10. Oh, I think we were a bit that way until we had one too many false alarms, like the Y2 scare or whatever that was called – when we went into the 21st century and everyone was warned to get plenty of water in case the world blew up. And we also bought water and candles, etc. for a hurricane that was more like April showers. I know, I should knock on wood. Anyway, at least you are prepared! The dinosaurs certainly weren’t. (PS – nice hammock! I could never get onto one without falling…)

  11. I am SO coming to your house when the elderly zombies of the apocalyse invade because all the trees in our yard are very very small, practically bushes, or tall weeds and we would NEVER SURVIVE at all. Meanwhile, that hammock looks really comfortable. Do you think it would stay up if attached to two large weeds?

  12. LOL – the economist I’m married too is the same way, Alex…Mr. Must-Save-The-Planet (usually from the wife, me) always checks if I’ve recycle the “right numbered” plastics, has plan for every conceivable zombie invasion possible and insist that we build a tree house in the backyard…though we have no kids, just two labs who like to swing in the creek and chase the trespassing squirrels…you know, just in case they’re zombies in the making.
    .-= ettemeyer´s last blog ..I’ve Got Zero Friends =-.

  13. I worry about a lot of things, but I’ve never worried about zombies. I think you’re approach is a good one, though. We have a tree that looks promising, and I’ve seen that episode of Sid the Science Kid, so I’ll buy a hammock and we’ll be all set. Right?

    In all seriousness, your posts are hilarious! Do you guys really talk about this stuff? I’d love to be a fly of the wall…

    1. We totally talk about this… Ever since reading World War Z. I’m just waiting for my son to pick up on it and present escape routes at his preschool. Then we may get a phone call. Or two.

  14. The fact that S can go from Sid the Science Kid to Zombies is something…not quite sure what, but something definitely. I thought living in trees was more of an Ewok thing anyway…Maybe S can watch Empire Strikes Back to get some more detailed designs on the tree home as well as spear making.
    .-= Chara´s last blog ..Week 28: Officially into Third Trimester! =-.

  15. I know whose house I’m going to if the apocalypse comes! We are not prepared. I like to mentally prepare but no one takes me seriously. I once tried to discuss a contact your family in an emergency plan with my dad but he just laughed at me. I often mentally rehearse evacuation scenarios in which I refuse to leave the dog behind and have to smuggle him across a police barrier.

  16. Hallelujah. I thought I was the only one this worried about zombies.

    Except, embarrassingly enough my fear comes from Zombieland.

    And also, I can never spell embarrassingly correctly. Which is embarrassing.
    .-= KLZ´s last blog ..All You Need is Love =-.

      1. I was cool with it, and found it funny, until Harrelson’s character reveals he lost his son. Which, WTH comedy.

        Since then I’ve been casually trying to determine how to protect an infant from fast moving zombies.
        .-= KLZ´s last blog ..All You Need is Love =-.

  17. Do you ever go out to eat and people near your table stop eating to listen in on your discussion? A bunch of us got together for a pre-gunshow buffet (gun show was be hosted in same casino). So naturally the topic of conversation went smoothly from guns to Zombies. Defensive preparations, offensive tactics, the usual stuff that comes up when Zombies are the topic de jur. Did I get that french part right? Anyway, they still want me to join and although I’ve guns and ammo stashed in the house, I’m still not sure. Check out this site for more information ….

  18. I just found you yesterday and I can’t get any real work done because I keep reading your crogs. (blog crack) (you can’t use “black” b/c it’s already a word)

    Anyway…if you hide out in a CVS there are plenty of supplies AND a pharmacy. So although it wouldn’t be “legal” to use their antibiotics; I’m sure you could get away with it in a post-apocalyptic-adrenaline zombie attack. My 16 old son and I have been discussing this for a couple years now and we’re relatively sure this is our best option. The one in our hood is complete with one of those metal gate thingys…so you know it’s secure.

    anyway, thanks for the laughs and tears…and for your incredibly thoughtful, liberal-Christian, former Republican/smoker, bible quoting and people loving, recovered musings on motherhood, marriage, and life. You need to write a book.

  19. I hate to be all pessimistic – I mean, my fingers are definitely crossed for you guys during the apocalypse. But how many spears could you possibly make from those branches? Only a few – maximum a dozen or so. And every dead zombie will be a convenient step up into your tree of soon-to-be-death.

    These are the important things to think about – I mean, who wants to be taken down by slow moving zombies?

    That’ll just be embarrassing.

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