And I Thought My Husband Might Try To Take My Job

I survived two days without my children. Or should I say my children survived two days without me.

My first text to Scott: Hi! N needs a bath. I’ve been going 3 hrs between wake up & 1st nap. And 3&1/2 hrs between 1st & 2nd nap for her.

Scott’s first text to me: Boo up since 5:30. Super whiney. Super duper whiney. Not the start the champ had in mind. He woke N at 6:15.

And then the chaos texts begin: [You're] less than five hours gone and N already has a black eye. #isuckasstay_at-home-dad (He texts in twitter lingo now. Or he was not PLANNING on send that message to me.)

Yes, my daughter falls off a very low chair in JUST THE RIGHT WAY. Now before anyone chastises my husband, he STILL feels awful. So awful that not only does he THROW OUT the offending chair, but he creates a reading area for the kids. Complete with less dangerous chairs:

And after hearing that I am ABOUT TO TAKE A NAP, he texts me: You have a hard job. Get some rest. When u come home I am going back to being a pediatrician (High five for the appreciation text. Y’all were SO right!)

The next day he texts me: Learn[ed] a few tricks

He does the dishes (which were piled higher than me) and at least one load of laundry. (Perhaps while the kids are in the cage. Note to self.)

And there is nothing like asking your family to meet you in the airport (even though my car was already there). When E runs down the airport hallway at the sight of me, well, I started running towards him and we only need a field of flowers and a backstory involving one of us PRESUMED DEAD.

My daughter just holds me (not EXACTLY for dear life). And I tried not to say anything about her eye. (I CAN’T WAIT for my Wife-Of-The-Year Award!)

My first night home, my husband falls asleep at 7:30 p.m.. And I go in at 9:15 and say: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (Dashing all hopes of my award since it’s fairly apparent HE’S SLEEPING.)

And sadly, I do not get the picture of the woman at the airport with the mullet HALFWAY DOWN HER BACK. A twitter friend suggests that I pretend to talk on my phone. Alas, it is too late. The she-mullet heads to Washington D.C. as I head to Charlotte, North Carolina to catch my connection. (I’m as surprised as you are that she’s heading further North than me. Perhaps she’s catching a connecting flight to Walmart.)

I do, however, make a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to my aircraft:

I change seats with a mom and her toddler so they would be more comfortable.

The flight attendant said: You don’t have to do that.

Me (as I stand in the aisle): It’s fine. I’m happy to do it. I travel with children. I believe, well, EVERYONE SHOULD TRY AND MAKE TRAVEL EASIER FOR PARENTS. (ARE YOU LISTENING YOU RUDE PEOPLE WHO COMMENT ABOUT BABIES CRYING IN THE TERMINAL?)

And did my GOOD DEED for the day:

A young man strikes up a conversation with me en route to Virginia. He’s flying to his hometown to try to get his life back together after a recent divorce. He leaves behind an almost ex-wife (who’s already begun dating again) and a three-year-old. He did not want the divorce.

Young man (seriously, he is 23 years old): She wasn’t happy. But I was. At least I thought I was happy.

Me (trying not to hug him): If you thought you were happy with her, imagine how happy you’ll be with the love of your life.

Did I leave anything out? Because I’m on four hours of sleep and have trouble making coherent sentences because I TALKED FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DIDN’T KNOW EXCEPT WHEN I SPOKE TO THE BRIDE. But look at my happy face at the reception! (It’s actually the only face that allows me to breathe):

Oh yeah, FREE PHOTOGRAPHY TIP: The wedding photographer said: Whatever is closer to camera looks bigger and whatever is further away looks smaller. So don’t be surprised if all my pictures have boobs in your face and my butt trying to sneak out of the frame.

Thanks for all your comments, tweets, calls, texts, and facebook messages. Y’all made the trip easy even when I tried to make it difficult.