And I Thought My Husband Might Try To Take My Job

I survived two days without my children. Or should I say my children survived two days without me.

My first text to Scott: Hi! N needs a bath. I’ve been going 3 hrs between wake up & 1st nap. And 3&1/2 hrs between 1st & 2nd nap for her.

Scott’s first text to me: Boo up since 5:30. Super whiney. Super duper whiney. Not the start the champ had in mind. He woke N at 6:15.

And then the chaos texts begin: [You’re] less than five hours gone and N already has a black eye. #isuckasstay_at-home-dad (He texts in twitter lingo now. Or he was not PLANNING on send that message to me.)

Yes, my daughter falls off a very low chair in JUST THE RIGHT WAY. Now before anyone chastises my husband, he STILL feels awful. So awful that not only does he THROW OUT the offending chair, but he creates a reading area for the kids. Complete with less dangerous chairs:

And after hearing that I am ABOUT TO TAKE A NAP, he texts me: You have a hard job. Get some rest. When u come home I am going back to being a pediatrician (High five for the appreciation text. Y’all were SO right!)

The next day he texts me: Learn[ed] a few tricks

He does the dishes (which were piled higher than me) and at least one load of laundry. (Perhaps while the kids are in the cage. Note to self.)

And there is nothing like asking your family to meet you in the airport (even though my car was already there). When E runs down the airport hallway at the sight of me, well, I started running towards him and we only need a field of flowers and a backstory involving one of us PRESUMED DEAD.

My daughter just holds me (not EXACTLY for dear life). And I tried not to say anything about her eye. (I CAN’T WAIT for my Wife-Of-The-Year Award!)

My first night home, my husband falls asleep at 7:30 p.m.. And I go in at 9:15 and say: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (Dashing all hopes of my award since it’s fairly apparent HE’S SLEEPING.)

And sadly, I do not get the picture of the woman at the airport with the mullet HALFWAY DOWN HER BACK. A twitter friend suggests that I pretend to talk on my phone. Alas, it is too late. The she-mullet heads to Washington D.C. as I head to Charlotte, North Carolina to catch my connection. (I’m as surprised as you are that she’s heading further North than me. Perhaps she’s catching a connecting flight to Walmart.)

I do, however, make a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to my aircraft:

I change seats with a mom and her toddler so they would be more comfortable.

The flight attendant said: You don’t have to do that.

Me (as I stand in the aisle): It’s fine. I’m happy to do it. I travel with children. I believe, well, EVERYONE SHOULD TRY AND MAKE TRAVEL EASIER FOR PARENTS. (ARE YOU LISTENING YOU RUDE PEOPLE WHO COMMENT ABOUT BABIES CRYING IN THE TERMINAL?)

And did my GOOD DEED for the day:

A young man strikes up a conversation with me en route to Virginia. He’s flying to his hometown to try to get his life back together after a recent divorce. He leaves behind an almost ex-wife (who’s already begun dating again) and a three-year-old. He did not want the divorce.

Young man (seriously, he is 23 years old): She wasn’t happy. But I was. At least I thought I was happy.

Me (trying not to hug him): If you thought you were happy with her, imagine how happy you’ll be with the love of your life.

Did I leave anything out? Because I’m on four hours of sleep and have trouble making coherent sentences because I TALKED FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DIDN’T KNOW EXCEPT WHEN I SPOKE TO THE BRIDE. But look at my happy face at the reception! (It’s actually the only face that allows me to breathe):

Oh yeah, FREE PHOTOGRAPHY TIP: The wedding photographer said: Whatever is closer to camera looks bigger and whatever is further away looks smaller. So don’t be surprised if all my pictures have boobs in your face and my butt trying to sneak out of the frame.

Thanks for all your comments, tweets, calls, texts, and facebook messages. Y’all made the trip easy even when I tried to make it difficult.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

25 thoughts to “And I Thought My Husband Might Try To Take My Job”

  1. Absolutely brilliant post. You look lovely in that dress. OK I am now decided, it’s been three years and I’ve never been away from my daughter for even one night, but I think it’s time to try!

    1. oh, you must go. it’s scary so start with leaving in the evening (but before dinner so you can eat a quiet meal) and just sleeping at a local hotel. But don’t come back until you’ve had breakfast in bed!

  2. Yay, you made it! Great post. You look great in the photos too. I love what you said to the young soon-to-be-divorced guy. I hope that somewhere, in his blog, he is writing, “And then this married lady told me that…” 😉

    Best part is your daughter running to you at the airport and your hubby konking out at 7:30!
    .-= Cecilia´s last blog ..Sigh…The Torture of being on Auto Pilot =-.

  3. I don’t know how you kept from hugging that young guy…I would’ve just caved.

    Maybe it’s b/c I’m an old hag and it’s safe for me to do (-:

    Your husband is a keeper: a reading area of their owm, that he did. I’m the one who comes up with that stuff over here.

    A man of action is what you’ve got.
    .-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Lost In Translation =-.

  4. The picture of the kids in the dog crate is fabulous! Your husband’s response to you being gone was kind of the response I was HOPING my husband would have when I was gone a few weeks ago. Alas, I haven’t gotten my wife of the year award yet either…I hope you get yours soon!

    By the way, you made a very pretty bridesmaid!
    .-= jamie´s last blog ..A New Spin on Saying No =-.

  5. Okay, you must stop posting pictures of your skinny ass self with comments like hiding your butt…it’s just not fair.

    End vent.

    Glad your hubby survived the two days with the kids, you know, since he’s a trained professional, and all.

    And, that you had a great time!

    Oh, and your poor baby with her black eye. My N had one back-to-back on the same eye before the first one even healed.
    .-= Krystyn´s last blog ..Mommy and Me-The 13th Edition =-.

    1. Your vent is well-timed. I’ve noticed that I’ve been harsh on my body and I hate that! So after reading your comment I thought: That’s enough!
      And five hours later my son patted my behind and said: You’ve got BIG BUNS Mama.
      So it’s a work in progress 😉

      And I’m glad that I’m not the only one with a black-eyed baby!

  6. So you may not have gotten an award, but it’s nice that your husband acknowledged the difficulty of your daily tasks. Whenever I go away (as often as possible), my husband refuses to acknowledge how stressful it is to manage the kids. He usually plays it off legit, and later I get the real scoop from the kids.
    .-= Mrs.Mayhem´s last blog ..I Am Not Athletic =-.

  7. It is nice to hear you had a great trip and a warm homecoming. I didn’t ask Captain Attention how your trip was when we went in for a visit this morning (ask him about the Future Bulemics of America visit). He did look a little tired though! Welcome home!

  8. Your husband is on to something, I have a cage much like the one he used. I like it. I think it will work 🙂

    And really, how sweet and amazing are you? What you said to that 23 year old. Perfect!!

    Thanks for the evening giggles.
    .-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The flavour of lust =-.

  9. The Momalom 5-4-10 had me reading all day and night as the participant list is long but man have I missed my old haunts – your blog in particular. LOL’d many times – especially the pic of your kids in the cage. Classic!

    And you look gorgeous in that dress. Now how about a picture of them shoes you talked about? 😉
    .-= Justine´s last blog ..It’s not me, it’s you – or is it? =-.

  10. There is absolutely nothing better than hearing your husband tell you how hard your job really is. And that he’s looking forward to going back to his own job, which is significantly easier. Your husband sounds like an awesome guy too, btw. I’m totally digging the cushy chair reading area.

    AND you do deserve mom of the year award. You are awesomeness. And hubba hubba!! You look stunning in your bridemaid dress!!!!

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