A Downside To Being Potty Trained

E Out The WindowI’m driving with E and N and it is VERY close to N’s nap time.

E: Mama! I have to PEE!!

Me: Wait. We are almost home.

E (near tears): BUT I HAVE TO PEEPEE

Me: Okay, we’re almost there (as we hit every STUPID RED LIGHT for the next six blocks)

E: The pee-pee is coming Mama!

Me (thinking): OH CRAP. I don’t want to clean his car seat.

Me (saying): Well, try to hold it, but if you can’t, that’s okay, too. (The good angel on my shoulder gives herself a high-five.)

Light turns green. I blast off from zero to forty-five at minivan speed. We careen left.

E: E’s HOUSE!

I slam on the brakes. Throw off my seat belt. Dash around car. Ignore my other child.

E (holding car door closed): I want to go out the window.

Me: What? I just broke three laws and ran over a cat to get you home to pee! Get out of the car! (The little devil punches the angel for extra measure.)

E: Okay. But through the window.

Exasperated and well-aware of who is cleaning the car seat, I pull him through the window. And he runs off to the first liriope bush in our front yard, drops pants, and pees. For like an hour. As I give mouth-to-mouth to the cat and wonder if N’s still in the car.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

24 thoughts to “A Downside To Being Potty Trained”

  1. Who would have taught him to climb out of the window while yelling “Dukes-of-Hazard-Style”? oh yeah…You. On the upside, at least he didn't try to get you to pee with him in the front yard this time and anyway, we still have at least two other cats 😉

  2. My son is newly potty trained, but we haven't had this kind of scenario happen yet. I know it's coming, and I kind of just wish it would happen so I can stop wondering what kind of humiliation and destruction will be involved in finding him a potty in time. I will, however, be sure to make a note not to introduce him to the concept of exiting the car via the window, in order to expedite matters in the crucial moment.

  3. I wouldn't have rushed either but E REFUSED to wear diapers starting in the summer of 2009. So it was clean pee everyday off the floor or potty train. And with a two month old, I was not pleased with either choice. My harrowing tale: http://www.lateenough.com/2010/03/22/how-i-hous
    And yes, we have peed pretty much everywhere… especially with the lack of aim most boys seem to have 😉

  4. heehee!! oh and just look really pathetic and store owners will take pity on you. Or threaten to pee on their floor (oh wait, we already did that. TWICE.)
    It IS worth it in the end. I promise!

  5. That's funny. This is why I'm not in a rush to potty train. I have so much more control with diapers. The lazy part of me wants to wait until I go back to work and let them do it at daycare, but we did buy a potty or two.

  6. LOVE this!!! This is hilarious! I so know the feeling. And little kids won't think of emptying their bladders in advance but will only notice when the pee is on the verge of coming right out. I remember having my then 4 year old pee behind a bush right by the front door of a planetarium (which was closed) in a downtown area. Luckily it was a holiday and not many people were around.

  7. PS I read your other comments. We (royal We, I mean “My son”) peed on the floor of the store toy department too. Bless the teenage part time employee who mopped it up without complaint.

  8. Hahahaha! Times like those that I'm grateful the potty training fell through, though we're trying again next week (there is a forced smile on my face and excitement in my voice right now). And I love that you linked liriope bush.

  9. You definitely have more control with diapers, but once the kids get it, IT'S AWESOME! And the potty songs (we also had a dance) was pretty fun.
    Although I am VERY glad E's little camp was so encouraging because I would have just left him house-trained and never had the courage to take him anywhere.

  10. HAHAHA!! Thanks. I felt pretty bad for the store (and now it's out of business… don't think that it was the smell of urine though… hopefully)

  11. Dude, I wouldnt know what a liriope bush was had someone not told me. And I still call it licorice and calliope and all sorts of names. (also do you know how hard that bush is to spell?) So I'm just looking out for my readers 😉 Oh AND so my friends know what bushes to avoid when they come over!

  12. Hahahaha! Times like those that I'm grateful the potty training fell through, though we're trying again next week (there is a forced smile on my face and excitement in my voice right now). And I love that you linked liriope bush.

  13. You definitely have more control with diapers, but once the kids get it, IT'S AWESOME! And the potty songs (we also had a dance) was pretty fun.
    Although I am VERY glad E's little camp was so encouraging because I would have just left him house-trained and never had the courage to take him anywhere.

  14. HAHAHA!! Thanks. I felt pretty bad for the store (and now it's out of business… don't think that it was the smell of urine though… hopefully)

  15. Dude, I wouldnt know what a liriope bush was had someone not told me. And I still call it licorice and calliope and all sorts of names. (also do you know how hard that bush is to spell?) So I'm just looking out for my readers 😉 Oh AND so my friends know what bushes to avoid when they come over!

  16. Just found you through the Mommies Network. Fantastic and funny and tragically (for the cat) accurate. 😀

    Love, love, love your writing. (And I don't give out three “loves” to just any ol' author.)

  17. YAY for visiting and more importantly RELATING (cat killers unite!)
    And, oh my goodness, three LOVES!!! You made my night!!! (see, three exclamation points :D)

  18. That totally sounds like something my 5 year old would do. Act like he is going to soil himself and then stop to look at a beautiful flower on the way to the toilet. You are my hero.

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