Our Dinner Parties Would Be Very Interesting

I’m on the phone with my friend CA:

CA: How are the kids?

Me: The kids are great. Except N is eating sand. (N looks at me with sad sandy face.)

As I save N from herself, CA replies: It’s better than eating dirt.  My boyfriend ate dirt.  As a kid.

Me: Good to know!  E has enjoyed sand for the last few years now. Maybe dirt and sand eating makes good men.

CA: Hey, have you ever seen Man vs. Wild? (I actually think she called it Survival Man.  But I could be making that up.)

Me: I’ve heard of it. (Okay I don’t have cable.  GASP.  Take a deep breathe.  I’ll be okay.)

(watch the video or the rest of the conversation means nothing)

CA:  SO DO ANTS. (which is EXACTLY what she yelled when she first saw this episode)

Me: What?

CA: I ate ants.  As a kid.  Not the big crunchy ones.  The little ones.

Me: Sugar ants?  …So they don’t taste like sugar, huh?

CA: No. They taste like bad citrus JUST LIKE TERMITES!

Later on I realized that CA could survive longer in the wild than me.  The boyfriend and her making dirt sandwiches sprinkled with little ants for protein.  Even E and N could eat sand for a week.  Think of all that iron!  The worst that I’ve eaten is CAT FOOD. Dry cat food. (I can’t even smell wet cat food without going vegetarian.) So I could survive on my back porch.  With my three cats and the large opossum that frequents Chez Iwashyna-Cats.  (Yes, neighbors, I feed the opossum.  Even ugly things need to eat.  And it outweighs me.)

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

13 thoughts to “Our Dinner Parties Would Be Very Interesting”

  1. I've eaten alligator and kangaroo but they were both cooked. I don't think I ate bugs but not sure. You were there- did I?!

  2. 1. I mentally cried, “Oh no he di'ent!” when he ate the termites…and a piece of rotting wood? What the what?!
    2. I could not even survive on “Survivor” given the chance to win actual food. My body has to eat…FOOD (actual food) or get utter crabby and start malfunctioning at a HIGH rate. Ask my husband.
    3. Um yeah. I don't think so. Eating olives at Europa was a big step.
    4. I think our opossum from under our shed went to your house.

  3. Thanks for sending my cats' new best friend, Oppy, over. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT. Oh and if olives are your hardest, you couldn't even survive on my back porch.

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