I’m on the phone with my friend CA:
CA: How are the kids?
Me: The kids are great. Except N is eating sand. (N looks at me with sad sandy face.)
As I save N from herself, CA replies: It’s better than eating dirt. My boyfriend ate dirt. As a kid.
Me: Good to know! E has enjoyed sand for the last few years now. Maybe dirt and sand eating makes good men.
CA: Hey, have you ever seen Man vs. Wild? (I actually think she called it Survival Man. But I could be making that up.)
Me: I’ve heard of it. (Okay I don’t have cable. GASP. Take a deep breathe. I’ll be okay.)
(watch the video or the rest of the conversation means nothing)
CA: SO DO ANTS. (which is EXACTLY what she yelled when she first saw this episode)
CA: I ate ants. As a kid. Not the big crunchy ones. The little ones.
Me: Sugar ants? …So they don’t taste like sugar, huh?
CA: No. They taste like bad citrus JUST LIKE TERMITES!
Later on I realized that CA could survive longer in the wild than me. The boyfriend and her making dirt sandwiches sprinkled with little ants for protein. Even E and N could eat sand for a week. Think of all that iron! The worst that I’ve eaten is CAT FOOD. Dry cat food. (I can’t even smell wet cat food without going vegetarian.) So I could survive on my back porch. With my three cats and the large opossum that frequents Chez Iwashyna-Cats. (Yes, neighbors, I feed the opossum. Even ugly things need to eat. And it outweighs me.)