I Thought I Might Stop Crying Today. I Was Wrong.

I’ve been weepy lately.  Like REALLY weepy.  Like break out the calendar because there’s no other explanation weepy.  Except I’d be three weeks early.   And I’m not pregnant because that would be a medical miracle or possibly the Messiah.  (And if I’m carrying the Messiah we are in trouble.  Because I’m bringing him up a bleed-heart liberal and what will far-right wing Christians and far-left wing atheists do with all their free time?)

So I’m left with depression or as I like to call it, my über-crazies.  A diagnosis I’ve been trying on for the last few days.  I hung out with major depression years ago, and we keep in touch now and then.  Nothing necessitating medication these days — I just shore-up my eating, sleeping, talking to friends, and praying, and the days pass.  Because I can survive a few days of hating you and me.  But this has been a week and a half.  And I have been doing EVERYTHING that I am capable of doing to keep myself in check.  And I still cry.  And I recall the definition of major depression is five or more of these symptoms nearly everyday for two weeks.  Stupid medical school.  And this makes me cry some more.

But between my tears and pleas for my husband to come home because I CANNOT PARENT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE LIKE THIS, I realize what the heck is going on.

I AM having the crazy hormonal crazies.  Because N is WEANING.  She’s only breastfeeding once a day and is beginning to skip ENTIRE DAYS.  And my body is like HOLD UP GIRLFRIEND, this is the last of the hormone tidal waves of baby-making and parent-making, and I AM NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.

The hormones get revved up in pregnancy, freak out during labor and birth, go COMPLETELY INSANE (also known as days three through five postpartum. take note of those dates because if you EVER have children or have a wife who has children or a friend who has children YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THEM IF YOU SURVIVE), hormones then spill out during breastfeeding, and, as I’d almost forgotten, make a final bow (with a standing ovation) at weaning.

So I’m almost back to ME! with, hopefully, less weep.

I feel a bit relived since, between my blog and twitter, I can’t deny that I’ve had a string of bad days.  Although I may have to put the hurry-up on the weaning process because not only am I ready to get off the ride, but my family is waving their arms and screaming HELP US THIS ROLLER CAOSTER IS OUT OF CONTROL.  Except when N is banging her head against my chest.

If I hate you meanwhile, you can hate me right back.  But please give the got-my-boobs-back Alex another chance in a few weeks.  Because I’m coming home!  (And if she isn’t.  Well, I hope that I call myself out before you comment: N’S BEEN WEANED FOR TWO MONTHS.  GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN AND SEE YOUR STUPID DOCTOR, NOT YOUR BLOG.)

PS.  My other realization: I will never breastfeed again.  Not because I hate it.  But because we are DONE.  At least with the biologic babies.  Oh weepy weepy, how did I even type that through the perma-blur that passes for my vision these days.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

12 thoughts to “I Thought I Might Stop Crying Today. I Was Wrong.”

  1. oh dear, I get emotional enough as it is. Joel better run for cover when we have our “one and only” (We are way too selfish to have more than one).
    Good luck, stay strong, and keep writing. I love it that we reconnected and love reading your blog.

  2. You're such a great blogger. Thanks for sharing your thoughts that others dare not share. You real-ness is comforting to this mama who can relate to this post in a big way. My problem is that Tucker will not wean and it's been wayyyy too long. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm going away by myself (yay!) and that'll be that (hopefully). Oh, and your golf post made me laugh. We're trying to teach T how to play, too. Which just means hit the BALL with the plastic club…not the brother. Anyway, I hope you get back your “me” soon…I can empathize right along with you.

  3. I agree. Thank you for writing about depression and crying and feeling like you can't parent. I get that way all the time and my kid is 6 – no hormones (unless they're perimenopausal) that I can excuse myself with!! Hang in there. Thank goodness for blogging, eh?

  4. hormonal rollercoasters are really the unfair part of the cool fact that as women, are bodies are amazingly crafted to grow and feed entirely NEW PEOPLE! (crap, that's amazing!!!) – I guess there has to be a few downsides to our superpowers : )

    take heart, dear momma, as I feel your pain (depression plagues all branches of my family tree… and I am still trying to drop the last, groggy, wee-hours feeding over here yet fearing the hormonal and physical shift it carries along with it) – I realized last weekend, happily, as I stared into the closet at the wardrobe that might-almost-fit-soon, that I no longer need to consider my outfit in terms of it's capacity to facilitate whipping boobs out in public places! (do I sound like a girls-gone-wild-retiree or what?) fitted, under-the-boob seam dressy shirt? no problem! underwire bra? YES! one-piece dress with ZIPPER DOWN THE BACK? hello, let's get together!

    so what I'm saying is… there are perks to consider! (ironic, given the post-nursing gravitational pull at work on the um, equipement) – the end of nursing does have it's advantages! (goodbye pump!) I mean, we haven't even mentioned wine, caffeine, chocolate, and cold medications which you may now feely partake of as needed, no?

    enjoy…. and call whenever you need a weepy, hormonal, weaning, listening ear – I'm right there with you!

  5. Goodness, we could talk forever on this subject. COme see what I wrote on mine. I had so many episodes on this –already–Ihad to start a label on “mental health.”

    I'm here, and I'm a good listener. I never judge.

    So happy to meet, you …I LOVE the internet! The internet has helped me more than any prescription ever did.

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