How To Play Golf With Style

  1. Grab your faded plastic golf clubs.  One for each player.  The third player (also known as N) gets the broken one.
  2. Grab AT LEAST two golf balls each.  Try to avoid the dented ones because they do NOT travel far enough.
  3. Line up multiple golf balls on tees, which will be carefully chosen by your instructor, E.  And may or may not look like a random blade of grass or a crack in the cement.
  4. Hit each ball as hard as you can, preferably at someone.
  5. If a cat happens to walk by during your game.  STOP IMMEDIATELY and begin running at the cat with your golf club held over your head.  Don’t stop until the cat has left the golfing area or dies of a heart attack.
  6. Return to your ball quickly yelling GET IT MAMA!
  7. Mama should be quickly hitting the ball back to your side of the court.  UNLESS you don’t want her to.  Then yell NO MAMA!
  8. Suddenly veer to the right and around the basketball hoop with or without your golf club.  If you chose to do this without your club, throw said club into the air, preferably into the upper branches of a tree so you can continue to yell GET IT MAMA!
  9. Every so often when you make a nice bank shot off the windows of a house yell SCORE and run around with your arms in the air and then hug and/or bump chests with your mama.
  10. Repeat until you are distracted by a basketball.

We use to shout TIGER WOODS! before each stroke.  But yelling his name with a golf club in my hand just seems wrong.  Now we stick to WATCH OUT N!

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

2 thoughts to “How To Play Golf With Style”

  1. Tiger so needed you guys with the “Watch out!” about a four months ago in his drive way.

    And here I thought golf was not a very active sport! Hah! Now, GET IT MAMA!

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