Don’t Wear The T-shirt Of The Band You’ve Already Slept With

On our Sunday hike, I am sitting with my daughter at a picnic bench.  A man in his late thirties is about ten yards away from us wearing the t-shirt: I Heart Hot Moms.

I don’t really get the shirt:  Is he a single guy on the prowl for a mom?  Single moms?  Married moms?  Does he want a ready-made family?  Is he infertile?

Then I see a little girl wander towards him and think: AH-HA!  He’s a divorced guy looking for a mama for the kid.  He’s looking to be KING OF THE PLAYGROUND.  Giving little up-nods to divorced moms that say: YOU’RE HOT.

Then his wife and second child show up.  I’m perplexed and turn away. But she starts chatting me up.  She is SUPER nice.  She complements my children’s names.  She asks about the onesie my daughter is wearing:

Her: What does her onesie say?

Me: “I’ve got rights!” It’s from Amnesty International.

Her: (SILENCE)

Our conversation resumes.  She knows I’m from Connecticut and my husband is from Pennsylvania.  I know her favorite kid names. How far apart in age they are. (18 months) How far apart in age mine are. (31 months)

And I’m not surprised to find out that she was born and bred in the South because she’s is so very sweet and overly interested in my life.

But the whole conversation I keep glancing at her husband’s T-shirt and wondering: Are you warming me up to pop the big question? Because my husband and I don’t swing. Although I find it a compliment that you and your husband consider me a hot mom.

As I relay this conversation to my husband on our walk back, I add: Anyway, I think we lost our chance with the whole children’s rights onesie.

He isn’t amused.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

3 thoughts to “Don’t Wear The T-shirt Of The Band You’ve Already Slept With”

  1. I think we have the same conversations in our brains. Why we're BFF's? I have come to realize that just because one thinks something, doesn't always make it appropriate for a t-shirt. Would it have been better if it said, “I heart My Kid's Hot Mom?” Then again, if you have to overtly explain something on a t-shirt, it's probably not funny to begin with. Maybe she didn't know what amnesty international was and felt silly asking? Oh dear.

  2. “I Heart My Kid's Hot Mom” makes me think: is the woman he's with the kid's MOM? Or is he just giving her a shout-out now that he's moved on?
    I thought about the fact that she might not “get” the onesie and I almost began to explain it to her… But then I thought: They're just going to think I'm interested.

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